Lordi, as well as a big swath of Eurovision's greatest hits, are readily available here:

The Lordi is basically just pseudo-Gwar. It's aight? For something truly impressive, look for Cezar's 2013 entry on that page. My opinion on Eurovision underwent a complete 180 when I was able to watch the whole thing. It is absolutely glorious.

I am trying to imagine a show where every state in the United States somehow picks a band to represent them and they all go sing in front of millions.

It would be the most craptacular clusterfuck in the history of music.

mmmmmyup.

I get ms. Penny's snark - she hasn't seen the whole thing either. She needs to pay for Peacock Prime or whatever, or just VPN the thing. It's a very different experience, and one that I absolutely treasure. However, there are a few things that just need to be corrected inline:

The winner is decided by a global tv audience of millions, plus judges from all the competing nations, which include most European countries, and also Russia, Israel and, for some reason, Australia.

And sometimes Canada. But not Russia, not this year. Note that Russia has been quite a dick Eurovision-wise of late:

To really explain Eurovision, you first have to explain the actual concept of a country.

I wouldn't go that far, I would simply point out that Europe got really fucking sick of their teenagers listening to nothing but British and American bands so they gave us Abba and that is entirely appropriate.

In the late 90s, the Eurovision voting system was democratized in a way designed to cause maximum carnage: half the points are still awarded by national judges, but the other half are thrown open to the unpredictable field of late-night weekend televoting.

And I gotta admit it's pretty awesome.

This year, Latvia’s offering on the altar of national dignity is an extravagantly deranged number by Citi Zeni entitled ‘Eat Your Salad’.

Ain't got nuthin' on Serbia.

What could be the secret of Meghan Markle's healthy hair?

What could it be?

What could be the secret of Meghan Markle's healthy hair?

What could it be?

What could it be?

I think

it's all about deep hydration.

They say

our skin and hair show it all.

For example - Deep undereye circles could signal

liver trouble.

The pesky spots around the lips

point to an enlarged spleen

enlarged spleen

That's not a good spleen, not a very pretty spleen.

And the artist must be healthy:

Moving on:

All of this was in the spirit of Eurovision. Justin Timberlake, by contrast, demonstrated the fastest way to fuck it up: by taking it seriously.

Now that's just unfair. Lots of Eurovision bands take it brutally seriously, and they fuckin' nail it. Spain, Bringin' it:

But does it matter? The header image is Verka Serduchka, representing Ukraine in 2007 with "Dancing Lasha Tumbai:"

Ukraine's 2020 and 2021 entry, one of the dopest bands playing right now, did something very very different but bizarre in a totally different way:

To commisserate not getting to do Eurovision because of COVID, they did their own cover of Dancing Lasha Tumbai because fuckin' hell why not?

There may come a day when Americans are collectively capable of understanding Eurovision.

All that needs to happen is for Americans in general to realize that the American music machine is a bloated corpse. I think we're there, or past there. Of course, Americans might respond poorly to the votes Americans would get from the rest of Eurovision.

It will not be in my lifetime, though, unless something happens to make them appreciate the art of sucking at something on purpose.

Now that's just sour grapes. She's British? Yeah Great Britain in 2021 received zero points, and they deserved fewer.

That doesn’t mean they’re bored of petty point-scoring. Greece and Cyprus always vote for each other, Belarus always shovels its big prizes towards Russia, and nobody votes for Britain, partly because we’re reliably mediocre but mostly because every other European nation is fed up with our bullshit.

Serbia voted for Croatia this year.

Britain is a lot worse at Eurovision than you’d think.

No actually no one is surprised.

Britain might do better if its separate states were allowed to compete independently.

...what if this comment isn't about Eurovision

The former Viking territories often go down the death metal route

I mean, it's a crapshoot. Iceland 2019:

Iceland 2022:

This might seem at odds with the general high-camp pastel glitter pageantry, until you remember that metal is essentially pantomime.

There is not a country in the world without a metal scene. Every single scene would disagree with that assessment. Poke me and I will find the link.

The only honest way for Russia to run Eurovision would be to run Pussy Riot. The he neon riot girl band in tutus and balaclavas is the greatest Eurovision act that never was, in that they are such magnificent artists that it is has never mattered that barely play guitar between them.

Ahem.

AHEM.

The whole idea of a country is stupid and embarrassing, which is why anyone trying to do straight-faced nationalism at scale rapidly ends up producing bad vaudeville and punishing anyone who dares to laugh.

Prolly a good reason to bring up that Poland entry again because it's amazing.