Getting my booster in two weeks, which is nice. The thesis went for the adviser's final review, which is nicer. Apart from this, I'm so tired of people yelling and barking at me unless I retaliate ten times worse, that as a consequence, working nights is bringing me sickening levels of pleasure. And I do mean ten times worse, had a grown man look torn weighing trying to kick my arse vs running away to cry. The fact neither receiving nor dishing out verbal abuse seems to phase me anymore is rotten on a level I don't want to be comfortable with.
Booked a 3 week vacation to Mexico. Hopefully it will turn around my mood and dissatisfaction with the workplace environment at the moment. I like the work, but the seasonal funk coupled with a toxic environment has pushed it to the point I was crying on the metro home most days and talking myself out of up and leaving every morning. The dude I can’t stand in the project has his little workshop right outside the office door. Which means he’s always eavesdropping and butting in with opinions on shit that doesn’t concern him. Or just walks in Willy nilly to tell us about how he hates going to Michael Coors while I’m trying to get shit done. And I’ve been too wiped to have a productive confrontation. Having booked some flights, I have newfound energy and optimism. Maybe I’ll tell him to fuck off and leave him the 3 weeks I’m away to recover. Because any confrontation will only lead to a pissy attitude and no real improvement from what I’ve previously seen. Would love to not be around for that bit. My boss being a depressed insomniac and going through a hard breakup has not helped the general office mood. Especially since I’ve told him he’s been a shitty friend and we’re on a strictly professional interaction type of relationship at the moment where we don’t even ask each other about our weekends. It sucks, but I’ve told myself I won’t invest any efforts in repairing that friendship because I’ve tried and failed too many times before. He’s not a bad person, but I feel I’ve been dragged into some emotional turmoil and suffered some collateral damage from the aforementioned breakup, so I had to step away until things settle (if ever). Can’t wait to eat some tacos.
ennui noun - a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. "he succumbed to ennui and despair" Yup. I do like that this quote separates ennui from despair, and makes them two different things; because they absolutely are. Someone feeling ennui could never commit suicide because they couldn't get up the energy to do it. Someone in despair could spark into self-destructive action, while someone with ennui simply couldn't be bothered to. --- From endemic into flu season. So, the pandemic is about to be relabeled endemic, at which point we all throw away our masks and caution and go out and get sick with the flu for a few days, just like we did in the olden days. Aaaaaand just about that time we will roll into the 2022 flu season, where the regular old seasonal flu will be shockingly bad, severely impacting the industrial and food supply chains, so we roll into the 2022 holiday season with scarcity on the shelves and under the Christmas trees, and everyone will act shocked - shocked, I tell you! - that after isolating for two years, the heretofore unprecedented rates of influenza and STDs measured at the end of 2022 will drive a particularly puritan news cycle into the beginning of 2023. Sigh. ennui noun - a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. "he succumbed to ennui and despair"
That's not even remotely the worst-possible outcome... just the most likely one. Worst possible is the rampant Omicron spread gives birth to a new - more deadly - variant mutation... the virulence of Omicron with a mutation that alters the spike protein to make our existing defenses ineffective... and we are back to March 2020, but with more dead. AND humans are tired and exhausted and not willing to do any preventative measures any more... defeated. THAT's catastrophizing.
The point being, you are making "the world" responsible for your mood, and your perspective on "the world" is focused like a hypodermic needle on all the shit you have no control over. Not only that, you require absolutely no basis in fact or preexisting conditions in order to paint a ghastly canvas for you, alone, to stare at and feel bad about. You do you, man, but I'ma call you on it. this is a bad mood you're choosing which is not "ennui."