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comment by ButterflyEffect
ButterflyEffect  ·  11 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: November 18, 2020

Yeah, I'm in the process of listening. The problem I'm running into is, I don't really know what a person is supposed to do about that.





mk  ·  11 days ago  ·  link  ·  

When people say something like that, I think it's important to understand that they are likely motivated by the potential rather than the fault.

Do you agree with them?

ButterflyEffect  ·  11 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I think I get an impression of what something would ideally look like and react strongly to not meeting that ideal or feeling unprepared to achieve that, and am just generally not dealing well with criticism as of late. You are right about the "potential" because another part of this has been the fact that these reactions are unpredictable to the people giving me this feedback.

cgod  ·  11 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Don't take it too hard.

I had two different people tell me I was an asshole on the same day that another person remarked that her mother always said if two different people told you the same thing about your self it was probably true.

mk  ·  10 days ago  ·  link  ·  

If I were to describe you, 'asshole' wouldn't be on the list. You have an honesty of opinion that I admire. But I've never known you to share one with malice.

cgod  ·  10 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Well mk, people on this coast are enormous babies.

If someone is standing on your foot, etiquette here would require you to say, "excuse me, sorry to bother you, but you are standing on my foot."

If you were to say,"Hey! Get off my fucking foot!" You would have to listen to at least an hour of explanation on how no one meant to stand on your foot and that it really hurt their feelings to be asked not to stand in feet in that manner with such strong language.

Next thing you know I find I'm trying to figure out if I'm supposed to apologise for having got my foot stepped on.

I'll give you an precise example. The other day, someone close to me was ruining some of my things. Of course I said, "Stop doing that to my things, you'll ruin them!" She stopped but gave me a hurt look and sulked away. A few days later my wife said, "You know, when she was destroying your things, she didn't realize it and you needn't have said it like that." Names and things obscured to protect the innocent but the real problem was I didn't apologize at the start of objecting to my shit getting destroyed.

Now being that you are a good midwestern, who's also lived on the East coast you wouldn't think about apologizing to someone who is standing on your tits, but that's exactly how it's supposed to be done out here.

Sometimes I'm an asshole but other times I am, without malice, very direct and it's taken awful hard.

If there is an upside to all this it's that people are very aware of the violence of language and attitude and I've learned a great deal about all the subtle ways we go at each other that I might not have learned if I lived in another place. I'm still learning it today.

Another upside is that if you need to get something done or you have found yourself in the middle of something or in a bit of a tight spot, people here are easy to bully. You can bully and bluster your way out of most things if needs be.

Oregon my Oregon!