I'm going to rant about shit for a bit. Overall I'm doing fine and I have good support, but it's almost 7 am and I can't sleep. Maybe if I vomit some thoughts out they'll stay out for a bit.
I'm tired, I'm just so tired all the time.
2019 kicked my ass, a couple solid breakdowns at the beginning of the year had me leave my job. then 6 ish months of job searching and going back to therapy.
My anxiety has only increased the last few years.
To push myself I applied for a job at a pretty nice grocery store, shit was going to be rough, being around people all day, everyday.
I wanted part-time work, to ease back into things. But my dumb ass took the full time position, because 6 months is a long time to be out of work, and almost enough money is better than not enough money.
The holidays were a shit show. Barely making it mentally through some days. I took a job in sales....in a grocery store...what the fuck was I thinking?
Some days were okay, I get to sell artisanal cheese, this is interesting and fun. Big corporate grocery store isn't so bad. I like my manager.
But then I can't seem to land on a consistent schedule, and suddenly I'm fighting for regular days off that I assumed I could get. We've been short staffed for a few months, one day they say they're trying to hire someone, the next day there'e no wiggle room in the budget.
Sometimes I don't get all my breaks, because there's no one available to cover during my expected break times.
I see myself start to care less. I start showing up a few minutes late occasionally. Not because I didn't get ready on time, but because the walk from my car the the building is suddenly the longest walk of my life.
I request part time. I'm assured this would be fine. A higher position opens up, JUST specialty cheese, no other responsibilities, it sounds great. Another month passes... I'm still not part time, less hours, but not part time. And the new positions isn't filled. Just still empty. I didn't interview great, and my experience is low, but really? Noone promoted after a month and 20+ interviews?
And now all we hear about is Covid.
It's been a shit busy week. Our store is doing 3-400% more than holiday sales daily. But mostly in toiletries....
Customers have gone insane.
A miracle has happened! his week I was actually scheduled part time. Only a few shifts giving me a 4 day break... you probably see where this is going...
Mandatory 10 hour shifts, for every single employee. Every day, from now until corporate says stop.
The extra money isn't anywhere near good enough for the extra anxiety, pushy crowds, angry panic shoppers, and the increased chance of catching what everyone is praying they don't have.
I'm expected at work in less than 3 hours. I have been awake for more than 24. My mind is racing and I can't stop it.