Healing after a breakup is a lot of back-and-forth, progress being a trendline that curves towards independence and happiness. I know this, but the backslides I've made in the last few days have been demoralizing nevertheless. I'm craving an emotional connection that single life simply doesn't afford; I'm not ready to start a new relationship, but grieving for my last one causes so much discomfort that it's hard to not complain to someone. When I was in the relationship, I complained about it here. I asked you about knowing when it's time for a relationship to end. That relationship needed to end, but the way it ended didn't feel like a severing - it was apathetic, languorous. I felt like a boat cut from its moorings; effortlessly, naturally drifting away from safe harbor. Part of me wishes I had raged, or wept, or begged, or done anything to express the deep unhappiness I felt in that moment. It wouldn't have affected the outcome, but it's easy to feel like I'd be farther along in my healing if I'd done something to overwrite the good memories with a bitter ending. I don't believe that, but it's easy to feel that. I've been doing a lot for my own happiness in the time since. I've read three books in the last two weeks. I'm eating better. I built a dresser yesterday. Everything in my life is shiny and new because I've restored it carefully in the image of who and what I want to be. That doesn't change that the person I was in that relationship stubbornly keeps wanting to exist. Starving him out is painful and slow, and it makes me want things I can't have right now. Big sigh. On a metatextual note, I'm a little embarrassed about using Pubski as my diary every week. I think I'm opining to an audience sees the weight of my emotions through a lens of anonymity, hoping that it protects you from the weight of them. I'm seeking the feeling of talking to someone, but freedom from the guilt of placing my burdens on someone's shoulders. Maybe that's not fair to all of you? I figure that this space exists to fill with ourselves, and my person has always been driven by an emotional engine, so if anyone's annoyed, at least you're annoyed by an expression of myself too honest to share with people who don't know me as kingmudsy. I hope you're annoyed, anyway, because I'm annoyed with myself.
Someones it feels great to talk about your emotional dating squishy love stuff on hubski, and then some other times it doesn't feel so great (for a variety of reasons), and then some other times you don't share anything about it cuz you don't got anything going on in that arena at all. I mean, I think we're still all here to read about it. I'm here for all the sturm und drang und angst. /giphy michael jackson eating popcorn And also I like you! I am eating popcorn with relish, but also, supportively. ;)
There is no right way to do Pubski. The neat thing here is that every once in a while, the diary writes back to you (in a non-creepy, constructive way). For whatever it's worth, doing things for your own happiness is a good North Star to plot your boat's course by - given your last port.