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comment by kleinbl00
kleinbl00  ·  1615 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: October 23, 2019

What sort of trouble?





OftenBen  ·  1614 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Religion.

The answer seems to be, as always, limit contact, proceed without them.

steve  ·  1611 days ago  ·  link  ·  

As a religious person, I’d be happy to be a foil to work through some stuff. Although I try not to be a dick about it... so maybe I won’t be able to help much - but I’ll do my best.

OftenBen  ·  1611 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I appreciate the offer.

Do you believe I'm living in mortal sin because I'm cohabiting with my significant other without being married?

Does this one act create a permanent and unbridgeable gap between me and God?

If your daughter was living with a man in a committed relationship, engaged, would you remove her from your will? Would you refuse to support her in school?

Because if you dont believe those things, there isnt much to say. That's what they believe.

steve  ·  1610 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Do you believe I'm living in mortal sin because I'm cohabiting with my significant other without being married?

I believe that my beliefs are mine, and for me, and only applicable to me. I believe that you get to do you as long as you aren't harming others.

    Does this one act create a permanent and unbridgeable gap between me and God?

no... and a "christian" who thinks the above, needs to revisit christianity. (I'm over simplifying - but seriously)

    If your daughter was living with a man in a committed relationship, engaged, would you remove her from your will? Would you refuse to support her in school?

oof... this is loaded... and heavy. first things first - I don't plan to pay for any of my kids' college - so there's that...

but to the rest of it... on the one hand, I can speak from experience: when your child chooses something you don't agree with, it's hard, it's complicated, it hurts, and it's just hard. But also, I actively try to choose the high road, to love more than to judge - to support more than to tear down.

    Because if you dont believe those things, there isnt much to say. That's what they believe.

I'm sorry man. I know it's hard for you... it's also hard for them. They're lashing out because their illusion of control and hopes for things for their daughter are vanishing or already gone. I really hope they can widen their view to understand you're both happy together... and that is a good thing.

OftenBen  ·  1610 days ago  ·  link  ·  

PM Incoming

kleinbl00  ·  1614 days ago  ·  link  ·  

That's a broad sort of answer with a broad (and unhelpful) answer.

It's important to recognize that humans often rely on religion in order to square their senses of justice and empathy with a world that is unjust and callous. When someone is getting up in your grille about religion, it's because you aren't aligning with their understanding of the cosmos. And in general, atheists respond to this... "interest" with antagonism: "I refuse to humor your childish insistence on the sky god".

It's been my experience that a polite willingness to humor the religion of others, as well as a projected confidence in one's own "spiritual journey", tends to blunt the attack. Consider: the Christian faithful often feel confident and comfortable assailing atheists in ways they would never come at a Jew or a Muslim. I have seen devout Episcopalians be happier that their kids have found Scientology than are still "lost" to atheism. If you can find some protective "spiritual" coloration you are likely to be camouflaged from their need for proselytization.

OftenBen  ·  1614 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Its meant to be a broad answer.

There isn't a concise way to explain the problem.

I don't have it in me to type out a novel detailing the origins of the situation.

Suffice to say that there is no amount of camouflage that will make someone decide to act loving instead of antagonistic towards their own child.

kleinbl00  ·  1614 days ago  ·  link  ·  

You're not wrong. But you're also giving too much credo to the problem being religion. It could easily be that "religion" is just an avatar for the concept of "adopt my ways completely and unquestionably" in which case it can be dumb shit like "date an African-American" or "listen to rap" or "vote democratic" and you're right- there's no room for dissent in that case.

But you benefit from determining what the problem truly is.

I spent several years at loggerheads with my in-laws over a panoply of symptoms that all boiled down to "we don't like having our ways challenged by outsiders" and after all, they'd already accommodated one new husband why should they be required to accommodate another. Problems still erupt but I'd be a moron to believe they're what they're ostensibly about.