2018 is all but over. I'd tell 2018 to eat a bag of dicks, but that would provide nourishment. Fuck you, 2018.
Just about everything about his damn year has been poor, bad, awful. In the weight corner, I'm fucked. My weight bounced over 200 pounds this year: down 60, up 50, back down 50, then back up 60. In 12 months. Net weight change for the year? Up 10. I've not been to a gym all year, barely exercised, hell I have no energy at all. But I'm upright and not bedridden. Medication is a hell of a drug; my healthcare out of pocket this year was just shy of 20K and thanks to Trump I'm worried I won't get the deduct that like in the past. Good times.
In job news, I hate my career, I hate the industry, just nothing but hate and disapproval for everything except my coworkers. The Internet has now lived long enough to be the villain. The Internet needs massive government regulation, or to be killed outright. Every Libertarian in Silicon Valley needs to be shipped off to Somalia so they can live in their government-free paradise so the rest of us can get to work rebuilding society. I'm at least in a small part on the "responsible for this shit" side of the equation. Human beings as a collective on top of that bell curve are not built to handle social media, global communications and instant feedback. hell, normal average human being can't leave a decent coherent Yelp review for fuck's sake. We've given sociopaths, narcissists and evil manipulative bastards control over how we get our information, while at the same time destroying the "traditional" information outlets that at least balanced our more terrible tendencies. Other than not taking part, I have no idea how to fix the problem. A decade ago the crazy uncle and aunt would watch fox news and rant in seclusion while the kids in college with the Che shirts would have to repress that idiocy once they got out in the world. Now, with the click of a button, these people have a brotherhood; combined with filter bubbles and the splintering of mass media so we no longer have a common culture, I do not see good things in the coming decade.
There is a real problem I face. I'm not good enough at anything else to make a comfortable living. I could say fuck it, sell a ton of shit and walk away. I've lived in a car before and I am not afraid of that if need be. But I could also get a job for $15/hr and live with a roof over my head and food in my belly. I won't ever, EVER do so-called "gig economy" work. I'm not working for peanuts and zero security so Silicon Valley billionaires can get richer off the destruction of the working class. I've thought about driving a truck again, I've had a CDL in the past and they hand them out like candy now due to a labor shortage. By the time the trucking industry is disrupted I'll be dead. I'm too old and unhealthy to go back to Alaska and watch the world fuck itself, and since I hate drugs I won't exactly fit in up there. I doubt physical trades will take my unhealthy ass, and I'm not going to take some kid's place, so I'm stuck in office type work. The sad truth is that I am only good for one career path at this point. So I just have to grow up and accept the tar baby I get to punch for the next decade. Speaking of punching?
Friend #20 punched his ticket out on Thanksgiving. He'd been happy the last month and I thought he was turning a corner. The divorce was final after an ugly round of lawyers, litigation, accusations, and hell. So, turns out he totally fucked over his ex-wife in the way he set up his finances; she gets less than nothing and has to pay for all his bills, debt, funeral, everything. The last bit of money to his name she did not get he drank and smoked, so at least he got something out of all the bullshit. His life insurance is null and void; again she got nothing. The ex-wife is evil, and we told the guy don't marry her. Some men just won't learn; don't marry manipulative psychopathic demons. The absolutely horrible part is that I am so numb to events like this. After a certain point, it's just news. Oh did you hear? Another dude killed himself, here's Tom with the weather. The nightmare part is that I understand the want to go away.
But here is the thing with me. I've always been a stubborn bastard. I've always done my own thing when the whole world told me I was wrong. I always went along my own path even when that path tried to eat my face. I'm at that point where I want to do the work to get better, and am. I'm keeping spreadsheets of food consumed. Going to doctors. Examining what I joking call "Old men in crisis career counseling." to see what other job paths I can take for a decade then retire. And I've learned that Im a not-that-bad teacher. Too bad that science outreach and education is not a viable career because nobody wants to pay for that shit. And the schools are underfunded so the kids have to go out on the internet and learn the world is flat while cramming for the tests they have to pass or else the school's funding gets butchered instead of getting an education and learning how to think and process information. Looking around, everything sucks and it is hard to see anything good or decent out there.
Yet, things on the macro level, at least for a little while longer, are getting better. Coal is dying. Fossil Fuels are dying. Maybe even fast enough to not totally kill the planet. The Boomers are all old cunts dying in their underfunded Medicaid dystopia they created for themselves. The Millenials are getting their shit together and are (hopefully) going to kick the stool out from under grandpa's ass. The environment is still being taken seriously at the state and local level, even in the reddest of the reddest shit stain backwaters. Anti-Vax people are losing court cases and are laughed at despite idiot celebrities working to bring back mass-produced child-sized coffins. The young kids are all cynical bastards who challenge you on EVERYTHING and it is beautiful to watch in action. If we in the West can hang on and not lose our souls in the next decade I think we are going to be fine. IF. We'll see.
The last week of the year is traditionally my week off. No email, no internet, no technology, no video games, no bullshit. I don't get such a pleasure this year as I am spending holidays with family. (A whole 'nother rant of anger and shit) But I'm walking away from the internet for a while and doing everything I can face to face and not online. Hopefully I get some down time here and there. Maybe I will be online, but I'm going to try to stay offline as much as possible, maybe even go sit on top of a mountain and watch a sunrise if I get the time.
If I am not online, be safe all, happy holidays and here is to hoping 2019 is not the shit show 2018 was.