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comment by thenewgreen
thenewgreen  ·  1960 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: November 14, 2018

That's super fucking nuts. Run!

I'm curious, I was talking with a friend of mine that is a physician. She is single. She has begun dating a guy that insists that they split the bill each time they go out, even though he is the one asking her out. Is this normal? She recently asked him to dinner and she paid because it was at her invitation. Is it old fashioned to think that the fella should pay when he asks a girl out? What are your expectations, if any?

If anything above is less than PC, please be gentle in your reply. Any offense given was not intentional. I'm an old fool. Been married for 14 years.





_refugee_  ·  1959 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I always make the offer to split. However I’m not often taken up on it. I went on two first dates this week — at the first, the bar put us on the same tab (which I didn’t expect) so when the guy closed, both our drinks were on there. I offered to pay and we ended up agreed that I would buy us a round. This wasn’t even financially but honestly I think the guy was assumed he made more than I do (which maybe he did — he said he bought his truck in cash, which is pretty substantial after all) and also this is the guy with the gun who I suspect buys into more stereotypically masculine/feminine “norms” or tropes of behavior. On the other date we were on separate tabs. The guy did say he expected us to be on the same but I told him not to worry about it and offered to buy one of his two drinks.

What I would say is it seems typical for the guy to expect to pick up most of the tab for the first date. I think if that happens it’s good behavior of the counterpart to at least offer to contribute.

Insisting on 50/50 splitting the bill for every date is like the other side of the pendulum. For me such insistence would be a bit of a pinkish flag; unless you know you’re both in the exact same financial situation, a 50/50 split isn’t necessarily really fair, just equal.

I went on a match.com date earlier this year to a movie and we split with him buying tickets and me buying drinks and popcorn.

For me, I’m very financially comfortable and I don’t expect everyone I go on a date with to have that same comfort. I also feel uncomfortable expecting a man to pay for everything (because then I feel like there’s an unspoken sense of obligation). On the other hand a person who insisted dates be split rigidly 50/50 would probably make me feel a little uncomfortable too. I like the middle ground where I always offer to pay my part of the bill or part of the bill or where both of us are contributing to the date (like the movies example). I guess I would call that “splitting the bill in spirit without whipping out a calculator to do it.” In my experience, guys generally seem to prefer paying at least 50% of a bill to a majority — but I’ve had some bad luck with dating partners in that realm, aka some guys who seem insecure about money/a woman paying. I wouldn’t expect that to reflect actual social norms or I would hope it didn’t.

I do feel like the expectation should never be that the guy or masculine person is going to pay for the entire bill and a good standard of “being a decent person” behavior as the non-masculine person is to at minimum offer or make a token payment. For instance if the guy wanted to cover the dinner bill I’d say “here let me get the tip.” I don’t mind being treated and I’m not gonna fight a person who wants to treat me, but I’d never go on a date I couldn’t pay for. In the pat on rare occasions when I have, I’ve made my financial status clear to the person beforehand and we’ve agreed on who will pay and what activity we will do.

It’s honestly a super complex subject from my experience. I have definitely known guys who liked to always pay. To me that strikes me as an uncomfortable power imbalance I don’t want to be a part of.

thenewgreen  ·  1959 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. This is some solid insight for us fellas :) I like your approach. If someone pays for drinks, saying "I have the next round." Or dinner, "let me get dessert," is a really good way to maintain a "balance," in the budding relationship. Smart.

Isn't it crazy how complex human interaction is? It's easy to forget that there are thousands of years of conditioning informing how we interact with one another. We are living in a time when we are, perhaps, changing the dynamic between the sexes faster than ever before.