last night i went to my second-to-last therapy visit and i said to her "you know, this is a lot easier now that everything is going so well - i barely have anything to talk about" and everything really is going quite well it's been about 4&1/4 months since i started medically transitioning and i'm reaching the point where more often than not i like the way that i look i just looked back on the post i made here when i said "i came out to my mother, she was accepting" - i said that in november 2015 and i'm sorry to report that that was a judgement made far too soon because as soon as my dad got to her that acceptance didn't last - it took me 5 months after that to finally go to a therapist and a long chain of bullshit before (last october!) i finally got to a therapist that actually took me at my word that yes, i really am sure, been sure, before things could progress, and that span of time between last october and this march before i could even get an appointment with an endocrinologist because of all the hoops everybody in the goddamn medical community apparently requires and the gist of it is that i've been really, really angry at everyone and everything around me and it's nice to not have to be that anymore it wasn't a great time for a while there for that and a bucket of other reasons but the REAL gist of is that now i can use the past tense for practically the whole bucket and it's a beautiful day
I don't really have much of anything to offer, but I'm happy for you and hope things continue to go well! Enjoy the day.and the gist of it is that i've been really, really angry at everyone and everything around me and it's nice to not have to be that anymore
last night i went to my second-to-last therapy visit and i said to her "you know, this is a lot easier now that everything is going so well - i barely have anything to talk about" and everything really is going quite well
I bought a new whip. It just passed emissions. Now I’m 25th in line at the DMV. May God have mercy on my soul. At least they’re rockin’ “eye of the tiger” UPDATE: what witchcraft is this? How do you go from Survivor to Adelle’s “Hello”??? And now it’s “How to Save a Life” by our friends the Fray. Three songs later. Now I’m 23rd in line. This is going to be a long morning. 
a cute little yellow mini cooper with a white roof and mirrors
cute is good mini coopers run the line between "ugly as sin" and "cute as a cute thing" and the yellow makes it cute you will never be called an asshole if you roll down the street in a mini cooper at least not by women, generally speaking
Fuck 'em chicks dig cute cars. I drove a Dodge Stealth for 15 years and succeeded in impressing an entire generation of teenage boys. buy a Porsche convertible? All of a sudden post-menopausal women start chatting you up. You know what this is? That's womanbane.
Not to be a story topper, but I bought this bad motherfucker last week, and I'm still high about it right now:
It’s five o’clock somewhere… Car rental in Turkey is always an adventure, and always works out somehow. In Izmir we once got a Tofaş Şahin, like the antiquated taxis then in service, and discovered it had one-candlepower headlights. We had leftover fuel before returning it, and stopped by an uncle’s mechanic shop, where he alternated pulls on a siphon hose and cigarette trying to harvest the last few liters. This year we aimed higher, reserving a Nissan Qashqai or similar. On arrival in Marmaris, we were offered a free upgrade as the Nissan was still out. The whole rental car industry seems like a scam, but I’ve learned to just roll along with it and hope for the best. We ended up enjoying a nice ride on the switchback road out of the valley. We took a rest stop on the side of the D525 facing Bafa Gölü. It was a feast for the senses, all five of them. The visual splendor of the lake was cancelled by the roar of tour buses flying past two meters behind us. The vaguely pleasant campsite aroma of the wood-fired samovar was offset by the universal barely-comfortable plastic chairs. The tiebreaker was the food, and our sense of taste was delighted by the otlu peynir gözleme (cheese crepes) made before our eyes. The only way we could get it fresher would be to sit closer to the fire. The roadside rest stop was mobile, unpacked from a van. A family of four provided service, the matriarch cooking and managing the cash in a hip bag, a man and woman doing cooking and bussing, and a young girl greeting and fetching tea. Produce, olive oil and honey were displayed for sale, but the main attractions were the view and the breeze. Well-fed and rested, we proceeded toward Izmir, crossing through the gorgeous and fertile Büyük Menderes River valley. The ancient river gives us the word meander, a reminder to take our time and enjoy the stops along the way. 
the rental i ended up stuck with in maui is a 2011 nissan sentra. you know how i know that? because their entire fleet is 2011 nissan sentras. meanwhile, just out of reach on turo, the fiat 500 (steve if you really want a cute vehicle...) whose owner won't deliver to the airport, even for a fee. how does anyone get to maui except the god damn airport?
This Week Today is the last day of my internship. Ten weeks flew by. Tomorrow I come in for a 15 minute exit interview and then receive (or not) a job offer. Analyst at Morgan Stanley's Legal & Compliance Division. My team would most likely be in Global Financial Crimes, the firm's anti-money laundering group. Crazytown. I'll probably accept the offer, too. When I reflect on my path, I never thought I would ever take a role in compliance at a Wall Street firm. But sometimes we don't live out the inchoate conceptions of our futures-that-were. Just trying to make the most of what I have right now. That involves paying down student loans, acquiring some coin, and making moves in a few years. This Fall Friday I fly to San Diego to help my sister move into her new place. After ten days, I come home for three, to then board a plane for my semester abroad in Seoul, South Korea. I've cycled through every phase of anticipation, and currently at sheer trepidation. I watched some videos of last year's Yonkojeon Games--an annual set of games in five different sports between the historic rivals, Yonsei University (my school to be) and Korea University. The school spirit is no joke. However, I'm at a point in my life right now where hangovers not only suck, but they give me anxiety. And I'm about to go to a city with what some consider to be the best night life in the world. I'm not complaining... I'm just a little sore in anticipation. Any tips on traveling and travel-documenting? elizabeth Should I get a camera? I don't have one save my iPhone.
Honestly, if it’s just for posterity and not for some fancy artistic shots an iPhone is plenty. The one drawback is that phone battery drains fast during travel with google maps, research and general planning. But you can get a power bank and then you’re good to go. Lugging around a dslr is tedious so I feel you really got to be into it for it to be worth the effort. You’re always paranoid of getting it stolen, it’s heavy, and it’s an extra device to think about charging, dumping and backing up the footage etc. A lot of people opt for the action cam like a go pro, but personally I dislike the wide angle look, and if you really want to make the most of it you’re also stuck with 5000 accessories. There is also a middle ground with small pocket cameras / compact mirrorless cameras that I like if you have a couple hundreds to spare. You get a dedicated camera with a longer lasting battery, quality can be a bit better than your phone (zoom, low light capability), and you look less like a target for theives. In the end it all comes down to how much effort you’re willing to put in for “the shot”. I’ve met many people in my travels that buy a big dslr that they end up leaving at home 95% of the time because it’s a pain to carry around.
That sounds like that would be me. I'm interested in the middle ground. I'll check those out. Although, do you find that the "portrait mode" capable iPhones are comparable to those compact cameras? Because then I might very well stick with the iPhone and a battery pack.I’ve met many people in my travels that buy a big dslr that they end up leaving at home 95% of the time because it’s a pain to carry around.
I don't have the newest iphone so I can't really tell. A shallow dept of field, good low light and a zoom are things that a smartphone won't have. Honestly iphone + battery pack is really all that you need for decent memories and social media posts. Especially if you have one of the newer phones.
Whitmer beat El-Sayed as a shock to fucking nobody. Establishment Dems win again. Vacation was wonderful, a few days of Lake Michigan sun and sand does wonders for me. I'm wearing a long-term remote cardiac monitor that is supposed to be just as accurate as a full ICU hookup with just one small stick on sensor and no wires. I'm wearing it in the hopes that we can correlate my increased symptoms with an abnormal heart rhythm that we can then treat. But given that when we look at past data I'm in normal heart rhythm less than 50% of the time, I don't think that this is a primarily electrical problem. It's my belief that this is lots of little things all progressing and finally coming to a head. I have been walking a narrowing razor edge for years and it's finally gotten too sharp. The increased fluid that I need to keep the passages into and out of my heart open also causes a different passage to close up and my lungs to fill with that same fluid. When I am dry I can barely move from fatigue, when I am overloaded I wheeze pink mucus. I apologize if this is oversharing. This is the fight I have been having daily since mid-march. It took almost two months of missed work and numerous ER visits to even get the ball rolling on the more intensive diagnostic work and referrals. I survive. Today I finally took care of some administrative stuff (Shoutout to steve and the DMV) that had been piling up for a while. Later I am going to get an oil change, make falafel for dinner and share it with my fiancee and her siblings, hopefully one of mine if I can get his ass out of bed before 7 PM. We have only been in the new house for three months and I want to move. Our friends on the west side of the state kept showing us rental properties while we were visiting and made it seem damn attractive. The cost of living is so much lower that for what I am paying right now to rent part of a 3bed/2ba in Ann Arbor I could have an entire 4bed/4ba, fully furnished house with brand spanking new kitchen, bathrooms and a 2 acre back yard. The minute I feel comfortable working 40 hours again I am done with this urban lifestyle bull. I'm going to live by the beach, play my guitar, jump in the lake every day from when it thaws to when it freezes. At this point in my life I feel semi-retired. I'm on fixed means, have lots of 'free' time, and I am medically required to take it easy. It's a confusing thing to be facing when I feel as though I should be looking and sounding a lot more like blackbootz over there. (Congrats bud! Bring ethical behavior to corporate finance! Save us all!) Planning for the future is hard to the point of being impossible because there are so many things out of my control. No financial goal makes sense really when the RPS is still in school for another year ish, I still have my own student debt, and I continue to have random, shockingly high expenses even with my bougie-ass health plan. I keep being told that I am not going to have a heart transplant any time soon and simultaneously it's the only treatment modality available with current tech. Choir starts back up September 17 and I'm very very ready.
Jeez dude. Not oversharing, in fact I'm glad to hear the extent of it. That life by the lake sounds grand. Lol. Your term always makes me chuckle.RPS
Oh, hi. The summer Shakespeare program that my family runs ended yesterday, and I am fucking beat. Things were a mess this year from a tech standpoint, but the students were great. I recorded one song with a student, which I should be done mixing soon. Sad to be back in a quiet house again, but I am not missing the dirty dishes on every available surface. I'm moving, again. This time to Brattleboro VT, only about two hours away from my family, into a three-bedroom apartment that costs less than $1000 a month. Teaching preschool, making music, same old same old. Great little art scene that I'm looking forward to becoming a part of. I'm sort of running on empty these days. This summer took a lot out of me, and sadly I don't have time to rest before moving. Still, found the time to make a banjo-ukulele. Tamborine, scrap wood, recycled plastic hit with a heat gun to shrink it. Expect to see a bit more of me after the move. [PS: kleinbl00, anyone else with an opinion: I have been sitting on a bit of Tesla stock since 2015, and have been dying to get rid of it for almost as long because Elon Musk is a terrifying crazy person. What do you think are the odds of him actually sticking to all this going private talk?]
Musk isn't crazy, but he certainly isn't a stickler for rules, either. In my opinion, stock markets are one of the worst innovations in the history of economics because they pervert your core business from "making money" to "making people think you're making money." Things may have been different before Welch and "shareholder value" but that predates my investment experience by decades. Either way, the logic of taking things private makes perfect sense to me - tire-kickers don't get to tell you what to do, assholes like Carl Icahn can't swoop in and upend your business model because they have sand in their vagina, and you don't have to report shit to no one. Considering SpaceX isn't modeled after Boeing or ULA but after the Korolev Design Bureau I certainly see where he's coming from on the whole "gone-private" thing. Is he serious? Damn skippy. Will he get away with it? Less certain. I've been hanging onto a few shares since...err... March? Which means I think I'm in at about the same strike as you are. I'ma ride it out 'cuz the crazy fucker is approaching profitability for the first time and having worked for public vs. private corporations the private ones are hella more efficient. Maybe the asshole will even hire a designer. I mean, it breaks my heart that he bought a fuckin' McLaren Mk I but his cars look like the default avatar from a generic Korean sedan appreciation forum. Anyway. According to the WSJ the SEC is now sniffing around his anus about those tweets but I really doubt Elon Musk gives a fuck what the SEC sniffs. If he can get away with it he will. And in order to get away with it he need only prove he had an investor at the time of the tweet who told him they'd finance the thing at $420 a share. He doesn't need to prove they weren't lying, he doesn't need to prove they didn't do it so they could scoop up a bunch of shares prior to the announcement and then dump them immediately after. I'll bet he does it. PS. Thy banjo? 'tis dope.
You've said it better than I ever could have. Musk is trying to demonstrate that the entire valuation system for companies is broken. WalMart is successful because they pay people less than a living wage, and the government picks up the slack. The entire assets and future of Tesla is not now, and never will be, worth $420 a share. But the idea of Tesla? The goals of Tesla/Musk? I'll buy that shit at $1000 and be pleased as fucking punch to have a tiny a part in it. I think Musk's whole idea is to destroy Wall Street and the rapacious culture of "profits over people", and force people to weigh the entire benefit/impact of a company and their products and culture, rather than solely basing value on quarterly earnings.
I know this is just an off-hand comment, but it's not right. There are a gajillion ways he could make money, and by no measure is any of his businesses profitable right now. So they are not Making Money... they may, at some point in the future, and that is the intent. But they aren't. Anyone can make money. I think Musk is trying to make a Difference.
My crazy time continues. Maybe a little less crazy than the whole "I am becoming a father thing". I have been in therapy for the past 1.5 months and I noticed that it is stopping me from doing my usual "layering-up" after tough times. Usually I try to distract myself with what happened to a point where it does not become relevant. Therapy is keeping me de-layered and feeling naked. Went to a fun neuroscience conference Mid-July and discussed my data with many people. Got a lot of suggestions and some inspiration from cool speakers like Frans de Waal. The conference was in Berlin so I stayed for another 5 days there to enjoy the city and go dancing with friends. Re-connected with a friend I "broke up" with last year (because I was madly in love with her and she had a boyfriend and didn't keep her distance...) in Berlin and things worked out fine. Feels better now. Had one week back in the lab before I traveled north, to Hedeland Denmark where I experience my first The Borderland, the regional burn event of the Scandinavian countries. It was wonderful, sad, hard, exciting, amazing... All the feelings one can have, a burn. It wasn't my first burn, but it was definitely the burn I was most vulnerable at. It felt like I was connecting, emotionally, to many more people than usual. It also had episodes of self-doubt and sadness to it. My flatmate who I schlepped with me enjoyed it very much. Two days after we got back he told me "I miss the burn!". We both had dreams for a week after we came back. For some reason there is much to process after such events. Just a few days later I traveled to Nancy - France, to meet the girl I met in Israel before the whole pregnancy ordeal. We kept in touch in the past few months and things got more and more intense with time. Now I am basically madly in love and I cannot do anything about it. Throughout out countless Skype convos and phone calls it felt like she feels the same. I was very excited to see her again after these wild months. As always, things turn out quite different than one expects. We were simply not in sync. While I was in complete affection-mode, she was worried about our possible future together. She feels like she should have children, like, right now. I am in Germany doing my PhD for the next 1-2 years and she is in Israel. Then comes the whole issue with her being jewish and me arab and how our families will deal with that... What should we do? How do you keep a relationship that is basically based on long-distance for such a long time? Of course this whole "imbalance" between us was also tough on me. I kept having thoughts of her actually not liking me enough. Her finding out that I am not what she thought I am... Old insecurities that I thought I had conquered and buried 6 meters deep suddenly occupy my mind since I came back from Nancy. On one hand I am filled with love. On the other I am also afraid of a heartbreak, with old memories bubbling up where I would fall in love, just to find out that I was not loved back. Rinse and repeat. Until it became a habit. Meanwhile my boss is pushing me to work more. I am finishing my third year. During out last talk I broke and decided to tell him what was going on with me the last few months. He was very accepting and wished I would have told him earlier. I guess I got lucky with this one. Nevertheless, I am still going for 80% workload. Time to get things done. And in a week, my father is coming for a visit. This time alone... My whole therapy has revolved around our interaction when I was a teenager. I haven't spend time alone with my father since I was 15. I wonder how that will go. Well.Beep.Boop. Thats where I am. the roller coaster continues.
Being off-the-grid for two weeks was something I really needed. I am still working to get my head back up to speed with my current life, however. The previous last two weeks, I whittled a small canoe, painted a cottage, drove a four wheeler, fished, and drank beer. Things like that. I also attended two memorials for family members of the Greatest Generation. One was for my grandmother. I cried through my eulogy. My brother got a boat. It's been a while since we had a proper boat at the cottage, and it was a blast. Next year, I am building a sauna. I'm still going somewhere with this painting. Not sure where.
Afternoon. Y'all have coffee here too? I'd love a Cortado. Hard at work in the lecture-free period: 2 final papers due mid-September. Family visited (kind of a shitshow but ultimately fun and strengthened our relationships, I think), so I had a bit of a break, but now it's back in the library. Writing 15 pages about Heinrich Heine and 9 about Milo Rau (Swiss Theater artist-- totally fascinating guy). It's a good thing I enjoy academic work, because the summer is really fucking nice here (not exactly hard-work-friendly). Continue to beat down depressions as they pop up. Swimming, surviving, etc. Speaking of which, the new Mac Miller album is awesome. Check it out if you're into hip hop and/or artistic representations of coping. Also getting weirdly good at foosball, and finally convinced my best friend to join Hubski (hi izzy417)! Life's good.
Where are you these days, anyway? Germany? USA? Still doing anything radio related?
Germany forever. Transferred here full time to finish my bachelor, albeit in English & American Studies. After that hopefully either Dramaturgy studies or continuing the path towards English professor. Radio not as much these days, been meaning to look into the station here, but they're pretty small & internet-only anyway. Izzy's taking over back home, since I abandoned ship :/ Living my best life though, so that's nice
Tours are going awesome, last stretch of planning before Burning Man.... Life is good. My boyfriend still seems a bit « stuck » which is a bummer. I wish I could help somehow but it’s something he probably needs to figure out on his own. But I’m sure he’ll be fine. Took 22 kids overnight camping at the Ukrainian camp last week and I'm pretty proud of it. It was something I liked when I was a camper there and hasn’t been done in years despite the camp having a massive tent for it. There are a couple things I’d change if I were to do it again next year, but overall I think the kids enjoyed it :) It was fun to see them cooperate to bring all the gear to the camping ground with the big ones helping out the little ones. And how they set up the tents and started the fire by themselves. Too often good ideas like that stay stuck at the « that’s something we should do » phase. It’s nice to make things happen from time to time.
Bit late to the pub - was busy eating phenomenal swordfish and sitting on a Greek beach yesterday. The Greek know their food. Lovely holiday so far, almost entirely relaxing. Almost, because driving in Greek traffic took some getting used to — traffic laws and road markings are optional here. Gotta go with the flow. Our apartment is fucking opulent, by my standards at least. Between the six of us we have three terraces, one on the rooftop with a pool, two bathrooms, a small jaccuzi and an elevator that enters into the apartment. And it was only thirty bucks per person per night.
I want to ax the entire board of my nonprofit except for one other person, and start over. That's harsh, but it's where I am at. It should not take 36 hours and counting to receive a response from a text message I sent out to two people asking about proper attendance for a meeting, so now I'm just running with it. And just about everything else. Setting agendas, leading meetings, if I didn't care about this nonprofit as a net positive for the city I live in, I'd let it die. But I'm going to drag this fuckin' thing kicking and screaming through the next year if I have to. Meanwhile we're still basically fuckin' broke and have not nearly enough board members. I have three meetings the upcoming two weeks to rectify one of those issues, which will in turn hopefully solve the other. We need a 3-5 year plan, very, very badly and I only have so much time. ... Went on a sunset hike up at Mt. Rainier with a great group of folks, and assembled tacos while we were up there. Had some laughs and more serious conversations about relationships. A lot of age gap questions and comments, since our group had people between 23 and 39 in it. My thought is that an "acceptable" age gap for dating and relationships really depends on where you're at in life. Funny that two of the guys had a much wider range than myself or most of the girls.
I have oodles of non-profit experience, and know of what you speak. For the most part, volunteers are only worth as much as you pay them. It's a sad thing to say, but universally true. While there are bright sparks from time to time, who will uplift your heart and validate all your efforts, they too will fade over time and eventually fail you. Non-profit success comes from making simple plans, with easily achievable goals, in short timeframes. Aim low: succeed. Aim low again: succeed again. Progress is turtle-slow, but it works for two key reasons: 1. Volunteers spend a short amount of time, and see their efforts have a meaningful effect. This gets them to come back and volunteer again. 2. "Big thinkers" get turned off and go away, and the more boring - but trustworthy - people who actually DO THINGS will stay. And do things. While the Big Picture People will be off pontificating and talking about 5-year plans, your meagre army of drone-like functionaries will push the ball ever forward. (See #1 above.) Take time for yourself. Don't burn yourself out. Slow and steady wins in the end. Good luck.
Appreciate the advice, especially this bit. Would you be open to a PM with some more specific details? I'm interested if you already know the event we put on (it's in the South Sound).For the most part, volunteers are only worth as much as you pay them. It's a sad thing to say, but universally true. While there are bright sparks from time to time, who will uplift your heart and validate all your efforts, they too will fade over time and eventually fail you.
I hardly post except when I'm angsty and whiney, but this week has been good so I don't have much to say except have a nice week.
Nothing super exciting to report. 1. I've fallen into the rabbit hole that is Elite: Dangerous, and I'm super, super hooked. 2. Trying to find a balance with the stimulants I'm taking, and not burning the candle at both ends. It's fun but exhausting, so I need to figure out how not to push myself quite as hard. 3. Coding is pretty fun. I'm teaching myself C# as a gateway into full-fledged C. 4. Related to 2 and 3, I've been contemplating frustration tolerance and my emotional responses to learning, how to set goals, that kind of thing. I think I'm on to something.
No way, or at least I've found C# to be much more intuitive. The standard library is a lot more straightforward, and you don't have to do memory management at all if you don't want to. By the same token, you never really have to worry about whether you should pass a variable by reference or by value. Pretty much the only question is whether to make a class static or not.
Two things. One, C != C++. Also, what do you mean by a programming language being x number of pages long?
Revisiting my new living situation. An extended lapse in thought missed that I only have two days of school per week for my last semester. Living at home and commuting looks so appealing right now. Sitting down and mapping out what that looks like presently.
I’ve always interpreted “The devil went down to Georgia” as the devil going even further down from hell into this hellhole of a state. Counting down the days until escape.
I’m doing better this week than last. Last week I was at the breaking point of stress and general angst about my career situation, and I had to watch my checking account to make sure it didn’t get overdrawn. I had a meeting with the company that runs my retirement accounts and I feel a bit better about that stuff. I had to slash my contributions though because it was the last of my spending money. I’m trying to find some side work doing tutoring/bass lessons. I’m really kind of excited about the bass lessons. I’m not actually interested in teaching chemistry at all though honestly, but I’ll need the money.