I've never had anyone as bad as your uncle in my life. But I'm basically sundowning my family.
When my mom left my dad without so much as a note (we got the FBI involved - she was utterly incommunicado for a week) she called me and my wife picked up. I told my wife to tell her I didn't really feel like talking at the moment. It was glorious - she didn't call me for two years. Then she had a stroke and I felt guilty so I called her.
It was a mistake.
Robert Frost said that "home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in" and my family made it clear from when I was a small child that they didn't owe me shit. On the other hand, I've built myself a lovely family. I'm still unsure it's real. And the end result has been that the stuff I used to shrug off about my own family now bugs me to the core because I've conclusively proven to myself that it's unnecessary, it's cruel and it's not the way families are supposed to be.
I'm sure social workers and psychologists would pillory me for this, but follow your bliss. Surround yourself with the people who make you happy. The people who make you unhappy? They have to meet you on your terms.
"No, ma, I'm not coming to Christmas. When I was at the wedding it was clear I was in an environment that viewed my wife as less than human and I'm never subjecting myself or her to that ever again. If you want to come see your granddaughter you can come out here where I don't have to worry about the toxicity. Sorry. I'm happy now and that happiness is something I cherish."