Share good ideas and conversation.   Login, Join Us, or Take a Tour!
comment by kantos
kantos  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: June 6, 2018

So, my lady friend got back together with an ex. Before I knew, I came around to express my feelings to her in attempts to move forward romantically. Clearly, they weren't as mutual as I led myself to believe. So, I set a shitty boundary for myself of "I don't want to be providing emotional support for her, when that's what she's seeking from her boyfriend. So, I will exit this relationship save from spaces we both already coexist in."

Which, in and of itself isn't too shitty, imo. The part that bothered me is how this was more an excuse to effectively cut her out of my life despite enjoying the time we spend together. That is something I'd like to do to fully avoid the issue, but what this boils down to is:

1) Do I want to give myself both the space and time to grieve the reality of the situation before moving forward with our friendship.

Or

2) Do I want to give myself just time to grieve the reality of the situation while moving forward with our friendship.

And what that would mean is getting a bit clearer with how I'm willing to show up with her (e.g. reciprocative processing shit around families, working out, finding past times in the city) and not (e.g. not willing to be her go to if/when there are troubles in her current relationship, not third wheeling, etc.)

Tl;dr realizing I can choose to enjoy the friendship I have with her. Plus, I don't want to let the fact that I didn't get what I want to get in the way of having a dank friend - is what I'm sorta coming to terms with.




ThatFanficGuy  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    before moving forward with our friendship.

Is that a real possibility? Would you be able to enjoy it?

I know I can't. I fall out with people who didn't reciprocate my appreciation of their company. It's difficult for me to process, because it hits hard. Both time and space are necessary.

Figure this part out.

kantos  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Is that a real possibility?

I have examples of past relationships where we have mutual attraction we don't act on. For my own reasons, part of me decided to turn this dynamic into an all-or-nothing situation to replicate how some of them went wrong. It took me this long (and some kind people reminding me) to see these dynamics are going to happen throughout life.

    Would you be able to enjoy it?

I have a feeling if I set those boundaries right, and stick to them, there's no reason why I can't choose to enjoy our time.

    I fall out with people who didn't reciprocate my appreciation of their company.

FOR THIS EXACT REASON, I think I can make the former work out. The moment I knew she was back with her ex, I began to find arguments for how I wasn't being appreciated. When, in reality, I've kinda been dead fucking wrong. I helped her move, and she offered her services as a masseuse as payment. It's not uncommon for one to pay for the other when we don't split bills. etc.

It's kinda rough to get out of my head on this, but the fact I can see the other side of this gives me hope I can do this right.

ThatFanficGuy  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Then by all means, be your best self. Let us know how it works out. Best of luck.

AnSionnachRua  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Well that sucks, dude. It's a tough predicament, too, being friends with someone like that. Sometimes it can work after a bit of time, sometimes you just need to walk away. A tough call.

kantos  ·  14 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Sometimes it can work after a bit of time, sometimes you just need to walk away. A tough call.

My best reasoning at this point is this is an opportunity to test out finding a middle ground in this all. Where I can still enjoy my new friend in a way that doesn't look like she was out of my life from the start. Latter sentence doesn't exactly sound right to me, but I don't know how else to put it atm.