Share good ideas and conversation.   Login, Join Us, or Take a Tour!
comment by kleinbl00
kleinbl00  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: In honor of Valentine's Day, tell everybody your tale of heartache and woe

I would rather be sad than numb.




tacocat  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Tell that to francopoli

kleinbl00  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

He's mostly just angry.

francopoli  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I sat and though about this for a few while working. I'm not angry, not really. I'm pissed off at a lot of things: the direction of my country, the regression of politics, internet cultures, education, etc. But being pissed off is not the same as angry.

When and where I grew up, men did not display emotion. We were supposed to be Stoic rocks around which we build friendships and families. Emotions were for women and children. If you cried as a man there better someone in a casket, and once the box was in the ground you better stop that shit. If you got overly emotional you better be drunk, and we are all going to make fun of you in the morning.

This of course leads to the inevitable conversation:

    Kid: Gee, Mister, a lot of these older guys are alcoholics, and the younger ones are killing themselves. Why is that?

    Adult: Well, Billy, it is a great mystery, isn't it.

I got lucky. About the time my friends started on the path to having this shit eat them alive I discovered the online world and anonymity. With an anon account I could be angry, sad, etc and not have to deal with parents and family telling me to snap back into shape. Some people I grew up with were not so lucky. So I come off as an angry bitter cunt online sometimes (most times?) but that is not really what I am for the most part. 25ish years ago I was living in the void asking, legitimately, why bother keeping on. Then, yes I was angry. At the world, but mostly myself. Now I have a job I love with people I enjoy working with. I have a seven-figure net worth (at least on paper), a house I love living in, a car, money to do fun shit once in a while. I have a hobby that brings me joy with people who appreciate my contributions. I even use my hobby to better the community I live in and can say I'm doing my part to make the place suck just a bit less than when I found it.

I can honestly say that right now, I am content. But that is not really the word I am looking for. The word is Happy. I Am Happy. It's weird typing that out as there have not been many times in my life I could say that and mean it. But yes, now is one of those times. It takes getting used to somedays because I still have that Stoic anti-emotional mindset and appearance that was beaten into me from childhood. But, yea, happy.

WanderingEng  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Thank you for writing this out so well. I feel like I'm in a sort of similar place. Five years ago I wouldn't have said I was happy. Today? And not just today metaphorically but literally today, Valentine's Day when I'm single and sharing my bed with a cat? Yeah. I think I'm happy.

The best example I'd have of love lost is a good friend who randomly texted me a picture of her cats last night. She's in a relationship that appears really healthy. And I think I'm single and not just as healthy as I've ever been, but actually healthy. We have a great friendship.

francopoli  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Five years ago I wouldn't have said I was happy. Today? And not just today metaphorically but literally today, Valentine's Day when I'm single and sharing my bed with a cat? Yeah. I think I'm happy.

Weird felling, ain't it. Good, but weird. I'm technically on a medical necessity controlled diet, but I still did my February thing and bought $200 worth of fancy chocolates. Instead of eating them all by myself as I normally do every year, this year I shared them at the office.

tacocat  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I did think you weren't entirely serious in your first comment but also that it was coming from a place of honesty.

I do appreciate being stoic but I think it has its time and place. The men who've influenced my life are, variously, stoic, tough guy, hard ass, bad ass, empathetic, sensitive and intelligent. I feel like kind of an odd duck but in a good way. I can sometimes try to be a sarcastic hard ass but I can also be sincere and emotional if I need to be.

I also have never had close male friends. Guys still more often than not rub me the wrong way with the constant rib poking about whatever may not be suitably masculine about them. I'm pretty witty though and now that I'm around a lot of men that do this I will sometimes throw them some smart ass comments about gender expectations or the treatment of women.

Over the last year and a half or whatever it's been that I've been in some kind of treatment, I've decided that my closely held beliefs are worth vocally defending, even if they're unpopular. So I can be sort of a jerk if someone says something stupid in group therapy and turn around and give a sincerely empathetic response based on my own experience to someone who seems to be earnestly reaching out and not rambling on about some canned bullshit in order to sound good.

I think men are fortunate in that we can fill a dichotomous role at this point, depending on who we're with, where we can be like the old kind of man's man but also sensitive. Woman who might seem stoic would be called frigid bitches and that's unfortunate because that kind of behavior can have it's place, in some work roles and environments for example.

Just fuck all expectations. Everyone is just a person and we'll all be healthier people if we're not expected to act or look a certain way.

francopoli  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Just fuck all expectations. Everyone is just a person and we'll all be healthier people if we're not expected to act or look a certain way.

Bingo. Takes most of us WAY too fucking long to figure that one out. Life is too short to live inside someone else's head.

_refugee_  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

It’s impossible to represent any facet of any person’s reality, no matter how you try to detail and explain and contexualize it, posting online.

tacocat  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I'm not sad or numb but I go to a lot of therapy and appreciate the effectiveness of processing emotions by expressing them

francopoli  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Good. Guys who are forced to bottle that shit up end up in dark places.

tacocat  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I end up in dark places pretty often. It comes and goes. Therapy and medicine. If you can afford it

francopoli  ·  96 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yup, been there. Here is to making the dips not so deep as you get better.