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comment by kleinbl00
kleinbl00  ·  184 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: February 14, 2018

I read about the Gell-Mann Amnesia Effect yesterday. It's credited to Michael Chrichton:

    “Briefly stated, the Gell-Mann Amnesia effect is as follows. You open the newspaper to an article on some subject you know well. In Murray's case, physics. In mine, show business. You read the article and see the journalist has absolutely no understanding of either the facts or the issues. Often, the article is so wrong it actually presents the story backward—reversing cause and effect. I call these the "wet streets cause rain" stories. Paper's full of them.

    In any case, you read with exasperation or amusement the multiple errors in a story, and then turn the page to national or international affairs, and read as if the rest of the newspaper was somehow more accurate about Palestine than the baloney you just read. You turn the page, and forget what you know.”

In the space of two paragraphs, you observe:

    And interestingly, everyone thinks everyone's painting looks great except their own. People are silly things.


    I still don't know what the fuck her deal is and I question her motives for contacting me. But my therapist said I did a good job of establishing clear boundaries. And it was only a little depressing later to speak with my ex.

I know this much: I determined in my early '30s that I was attracted only to deeply broken women and that their deep breakage led to a shitload of unhappiness. I was fortunate in that my wife was feeling broken when we started dating, but wasn't, really, which allowed me to fool myself into doing the right thing. What was astonishing was how much easier it was to not be broken when I was with someone else who wasn't.

I doubt I will offend you when I point out that your life wasn't exactly flying high when you started dating her. One might reasonably conclude hers wasn't either. It's possible you're both in a better place now... and a little forgiveness might go a long way.

tacocat  ·  184 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Relative to me I get the impression she's in a worse place and after a while together last year I realized she was in a bad place from the start. I tried to offer reconciliation with some patience (that ran out) and an offer to go to counseling together but I got the same old shit. I just gotta keep my distance for a while. I tried to leave it so she understood I'm here but that it's not good for me to always be there for my own mental health. She has a hard time with subtleties of emotion. Tends towards the black and white. It's not fun

And while she works through her shit I'm not going to pine for her alone. I'm trying to find someone closer to mentally fit as I feel I am or at least I'm working towards

kleinbl00  ·  184 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I dated a girl - twice - whose problems were dire. They were entirely of her own construction as well. It was the second time around that I realized that unlike every other girl I'd dated, I couldn't "fix" this one - I told a friend (who I had fooled around with, but not dated) that I felt like I was reaching down onto the rails of a subway to help her up but I could see the train coming and wasn't sure if I could pull her up before she pulled me down.

It was a watershed moment. From that point I started dating defensively. There are people with so much baggage that you can't carry them and the more you try, the more you delay not just your own travels but theirs as well.

tacocat  ·  184 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yeah. I thought I could just love her and she'd get better but so many problems for so many people are entirely of their own making or in their own mind and expectations of life. :

I'm not trying to find anyone who's perfect but I'm also done thinking I can fix anyone. Especially if they don't want help. We can improve people; we cannot fix them

oyster  ·  184 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I read something the other day that said something along the lines of how a good relationship doesn't make us want to change the other person, it makes us want to change ourselves. I'm still digesting it ,but it definitely stuck out to me. If someones wants it they'll work hard to grow and become the person you need in a relationship and you'll do the same for them. It's like we can only fix ourselves, and as much as we can support others we can't do the heavy lifting for them.