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comment by FirebrandRoaring
FirebrandRoaring  ·  394 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: January 24, 2018

The first four paragraphs is what I've been going through, myself.

Whatever you're feeling is okay. That's the first step: accepting how you feel. No justifications, no second-guessing: just "that's how it is".

My biggest reason to fall back and let the whims of others take me was because I was afraid of failing at whatever I planned. I've never acted on my own: it was always someone else's idea that took me forward. As a teenager, I even sought out others' suggestions to work on because that's the only thing I could work on: my own ideas I was always pushing away from.

Breaking into my own life was a big shock, because now I had to figure out what to fill my days with, and in the end, binge-watching your favorite show can only get you so far before you're sick of lying in bed with the laptop on your belly. It took a while, with experimentations, mistakes and coming back to the safe space of doing nothing productive for hours and filling my sadness away with food.

Now, I think I'm starting to figure it out, "starting" being the operative word. For one, I'm mostly a rebel, so plans and strict frameworks are not for me. My activities are spontaneous, and I dwindle in confinement. So they should remain, otherwise I'm left feeling vaguely (or sharply, when the pressure is high to proceed) dissatisfied with what I'm doing, with no particular reason to ascribe it to.

Maybe you're different, and maybe the way you do things will be different from mine, but I found it important to understand that it's okay to be me, and I think you would, too. It took a while to get to that conclusion, with a lot of research fueled by a vague momentum towards it — roughly seven years — so don't feel unsuccessful if you don't crack it right here and now.

At one point, I got disappointed with my desire to not disappoint people: it always felt empty, whatever I did to achieve that; superficial, with no essence or real ground behind it. After one too many times, I stopped worrying about it and let go, finding something else in its stead.

My advice to you would be to go about life the way you see best. If it's the desire to not disappoint others, so be it. But also, don't stop thinking about what you want your life to be. I think that eventually, the shallow distaste of the reward you thought you were looking for and the desire to have something better shall prevail, and you'll find a better way to go about your life. There's no need to force it: even non-rebels don't go against what they believe easily. Take your time, and take care of yourself while you're at it: there's only one person after all the worries are done that's going to be there for you.