On Monday I lay awake in bed for hours trying to think about what I want, what I really want, from work and I came to the conclusion that I want money - to be able to pay off my house and take care of my family. Tuesday I got a call from a guy I used to do web design for. He offered to pay me to do it again and I turned him down because it's hard. So that theory is out the window. Meanwhile I keep getting more and more involved in church. I'm not a religion person in any form, but this is a farm church and we spend our time growing crops or baking bread to give to people in need. It's good work and it feels rewarding. I think there's some lesson here in the futility of close inspection and the value of action, but whatever. Speaking of bread, I'm making my biggest batch - an octuple batch. I'm kind of worried I don't have containers large enough for the proofing process. Lastly, in games - Cities Skylines came out with a new expansion for green cities. I don't know why I love management games so much, but it's really fun to make a city. I beat the main story of Odyssey, but there's still a ton more to do. I'm really amazed at how dense the game is - it feels so small but contains so much, which is a brilliant design. Also the new overwatch hero scares and excites me.
Maszlow's Hierarchy has been heavily discredited as a psychological tool but as an aphorism it ain't bad. What you're saying is that you want security out of work. That's not strictly accurate, though. You need security out of work. it is the thing that ensures your food water shelter sex. It does not provide self-actualization, which is that thing Maszlow figured few people ever achieved. It doesn't give you the tip of the pyramid. Your church gives you the tip of the pyramid. What you're grappling with is the dichotomy between your need for security and your want for self-actualization. you turned down the web design gig because it does not provide you enough security for the self-actualization it would deprive you of. If you thought web design was your one true calling, you would have taken it regardless of the money. After all, nobody is paying you to bake bread.