Yesterday was the hardest day of a hard week. I spent 4.5 hours trying to talk my Mom down from an Alzheimer's induced panic/paranoia/confusion episode. It happens most days but yesterday was intense. I wish she would just die. Yep, that is something I thought last night. As she was pushing me and accusing me of stealing from her. What an absolutely horrible thought. What bothers me most about that thought is that it is entirely selfish. I wish that for myself. She does not know that her personality has flipped from the super loving person she has always been. Or realize she is making interacting with her hell for all those that care about her. She is lucky that she has good friends that understand that she has severe brain damage so stick by her but many have been driven away. Her siblings rarely visit. 1 kid never. 1 kid maybe once a month for an hour if dinner is supplied. 2 kids daily. I cook, shop, manage money, arrange for her personal care, cleaning and everything else and she thinks I am the enemy. I am POA so am getting her house ready to sell in the spring and that is going to be a whole 'nother story. I expect her hate for me will intensify after I move her to a place that is best for her. Oddly 'nough, given kleinbl00's transplant story earlier, I was also relived that my Dad died (experimental lung transplant 30 years ago; first person in NA to take AZT; died like an AIDS patient). Relief was my very first reaction. I was incredibly sad and remain so to this day but I was really relieved that his years of hurting had come to an end. That is very different than the feeling of relief I believe I will feel when my Mom dies. What an absolutely horrible thought. Also found out today that that my buddy that I was planning on going on an month long eco-tourism tour of Central America with has to put that on hold until he "finds out what is is wrong with him". Would not really tell me what his issue was other than something stomach related. Might just go with myself for 2 weeks I guess. Getting old sucks. Or as my 97 year old grandma put it: Whoever said these were the golden years was a fucking liar.
Everything you are feeling about your mom is a super normal reaction to the situation you are both in. It probably takes a little bit of courage to go through the door and try once again to make her life a little more comfortable and pleasant. When you walk out that door you're probably sad, tired, lonely and feeling abused. At least that's how I felt dealing with a similar situation. Helping someone you loved out of this world is one of the finest things you can do. It's humbling, serving someone who isn't and is the person you loved. There are so many tough days and contradictory emotions at play and in the end you swallow them and come back the next day. Good luck to you and your mom.
Alzheimer's is 100000x worse than cancer. I'll make that argument any day. My Grandmother was the youngest of 12, 8 girls, 4 boys. Three of the boys died in WW2, four of the girls dies of things like polio, measles etc. The remaining women, with the exception of my grandmother, all slowly slipped away as their bodies kept chugging along. One of my aunts was arguably one of the wittiest, funniest, sharpest people in my life. Watching that light go out over a decade was worse than watching a family friend's body get eaten by cancer. At least with cancer you get to remain 'you' for lack of a better way. Taking care of a parent is rough, and hope that you get to have some down time. Doing the right thing by those we love and care for sucks, don't it.