Here's a section of a stand up set I have planned for tomorrow's open mic at the bar. I've been going for three weeks and haven't really found my niche, I'm the youngest one at a bar where most of the comedians and audience are around 30 - 45 years old. I have a natural falsetto voice closest to Aziz Ansari's, but without any of the variance or impressions and a third of the energy. Tomorrow I'm going to try to speak in my slowest, deepest, deliberate deadpan voice, because my comedy style is closest to Steven Wright. I have no idea how it's gonna go, but I'm at the point where I think it sounds better for the set. =============== (walks up and knocks over mic stand) Sorry guys, I'm such a slut. (stammers a bit) I mean klutz. The Alaska Dispatch News filed for bankrupcy last week. I have to tell my pet bird to not shit so much. I told my therapist that I was going to do standup comedy today. He said, yeah, that's perfect for you. Your life is a joke. The last time I had sex I made a joke about how it felt like she was getting taller and taller while we were doing it. She said really? And I said no, I'm just pulling your leg and fucking with you. That was the reason that was the last time I had sex. What's the different between of grape jelly and grape jam? Grape jelly can be sold in squeezy bottles, but grape jam gets jammed in them. Sorry, I forgot that grape jokes aren't supposed to be funny. Kids can be jerks. The other day I was cooking for my extended family and my nephew took a baguette and started whacking me with it. Then it broke and he started throwing all the crumbs at me, so it got all over the kitchen. I was pissed, so I did the most french thing I could to him- I retreated. Sorry, I forgot that dough mess stick violence jokes aren't supposed to be funny either. I don't know why these jokes aren't getting enough laughs. I tested them in a state of the art simulation facility. I go into the shower with a notepad, pen, and a case of beer. Then I cross off all the jokes that don't make me piss my pants laughing.