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comment by tacocat
tacocat  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: June 28, 2017

I'm living in a sober living facility. I had really low expectations even upon getting here but I like it much more than I expected. I'm very near my girlfriend for the first time.

Speaking of my favorite young lady, her ex husband seems to have been pushed to psychopathy by the divorce. He called her 65 times in an evening. Repeatedly. One after the other. Last night he told her to kill herself. She thought she saw his car in the parking lot during one of these dialing sprees so she hid in her bedroom until I went to check for his car.

I'm resisting doing a few things that seem obvious to me. Involuntary psych hospitalization, police report because he's a cop so he'd probably get fired. Then he'd lose his house. Then their six year old would have to learn that her dad is an awful person. And more child care responsibility would go to my girlfriend. I'm near the point of not giving a shit about any of that because I have a serious fucking problem with people who hurt women I love. Right now I'm trying to get outside opinions from her brother and sister-in-law but I'm not sure they care for me too much because of the whole acute alcoholism thing. The only way I know to contact them is Facebook and I'd understand if they ignored my requests and I'm not sure if my PMs worked since we aren't friends.

someguyfromcanada  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Not your problem dude. So don't make it yours especially when you already have one problem that you alone are in charge of right now.

That is probably the hardest life lesson I have ever had. Took far too long to sink in. I am a helper. That is my natural instinct and it is not always a good one. Sometimes you can not be in charge of making things better. There are other adults in the room and whatever happens is not your responsibility.

tacocat  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I liked what Kleinbl00 said about being vindictive. But in the moment being unable to leave this place and hearing her cry and hyper ventilate, the only thing stopping me from just intentionally ruining his life was knowing she wouldn't want that.

someguyfromcanada  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Eye for an eye makes everyone blind but that is not the essential issue. She knows you are in a place where you need to focus on you and she calls to cry and hyper-ventilate about the situation she created for herself?

Hard facts: Sounds like she either has no idea what you are trying to accomplish for yourself or she does not care. No rational person puts such an extra burden on one who is already carrying plenty of load.

Not if they understand what caring is about anyways. I am not at all saying she is not a good person but perhaps she is oblivious to the fact that she is putting a tremendous burden on you in a time where you need no more.

You can not be good for anyone unless you put yourself first right now. Codependency is not a wise replacement for booze.

I know that sounds harsh and is easy to say from a far but I have been in your shoes and am on your side.

tacocat  ·  354 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Yeah, that is not an accurate assumption of what happened that night.

kleinbl00  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    Speaking of my favorite young lady, her ex husband seems to have been pushed to psychopathy by the divorce.

Speaking as someone who has been there, done that, when the ex sets a low bar you can be doubly thankful - in part because it makes you look good, and in part because it gives you opportunities to demonstrate your helpfulness. My wife's ex broke into her car, stole her shit, and got his (her) car repossessed.

tacocat  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

He already violated the terms set in the divorce papers. If it was up to me he'd lose his house and job but I understand the difficulty for her in being vindictive in the way I would prefer.

kleinbl00  ·  355 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Vindictive gets you nowhere. The goal of divorce is to get the irritant out of your clamshell as soon as possible because while we all love to look at pearls, nobody wants to make them.

You can't move on with someone else until the ex gives up the mental real estate, and that's so much easier without conflict.