It is 2:30 in the afternoon. I have no been off ADHD medication for 3 days, making focus difficult and concentration impossible. The earliest I'll get meds is likely the 29th. I'm excited. Fuck it. What is happening.
I'll tell you what is happening. Another goddamn, motherfucking, shit eating ANIME ROUND UP MOTHERFUCKERS.
YOU WANT THE HOTTEST GARBAGE? Okay great. This post is full of it. Not all of these shows are new, none of this is a particularly deep analysis, but fuck it. Fuck it all. Anime round up.
Okay, here are the shows that I have recently watched, here's the list you motherfuckers. Look at this fucking garbage. Berserk, Flying Witch, Netogome no Yume or whatever its called who fucking cares, Umaru-Chan, Dirty Pair and the only series here that I will recommend because its great, Little Witch Academia. All the other series are trash. Stop watching them. Little Witch Academia is great. Stop wasting your time. Don't even fucking read this post, you don't care. Oh yeah I forgot two series, fuck it. Maria Holic and Carnival Phantasm. Fuck, and Shimoneta.
Alright, let's get in to this shit. Anime is terrible. I fucking hate it. Why do I watch this shit? It's like gambling, that's why. Every time you watch a non-Trigger anime you're rolling the dice on whether or not you get to eat a fat turd or get something pretty good. Maybe sometimes its awesome, but nah usually its just garbage. Between the lack of meds, the Berserk anime, and E3, I have literally no idea where I am or what is happening right now. Am I dead? I don't know. They made another The Mummy movie. Is this hell? Am I in hell? No. This is reality. The grim secret of mankind is that we are stuck in this forever, an endless hell of mediocrity, and people fucking love it. They love this shit.
Let's start by talking about the generic trash anime that will waste your time. Spoilers are ahead. I won't spoil the good anime, because I'm not a dick. I'll spoil the bad anime because you don't actually care.
Maria Holic is the second series I started watching after Little Witch Academia tricked me in to thinking that good anime existed on a large enough scale to be worth my time. It's an older series, it has a great opening song. The art style is kinda neat and they put a good amount of effort in to the animation. The story is basic as shit and stupid. A lesbian not-catholic girl enrolls at a catholic school to meet a girlfriend, and runs in to a boy who is cross dressing as a girl for reasons that never turn in to anything important. The characters never develop and nothing happens. It's not funny and any plot that they sometimes stumble in to is immediately destroyed in the opening of the next episode.
I'm not joking. The most plot they have is all of her classmates thinking that the lesbian girl stole their panties during a physical exam. The beginning of the next episode, they reveal that the dog did it. Fuck you for watching. Look at that valuable time you wasted. I spent almost 7 hours watching nothing happen.
I'm going to group these next couple of animes together: Carnival Phantasm, a comedy take on Fate/Stay Night, Netogome no Yume a boring anime about nerdy girls with giant tits who fall in love with the weeb audience's self insert, Umaru-Chan a show that is fucking garbage fuck everything.
I didn't finish any of these shows. I tried. I got 4 episodes in to Carnival Phantasm and gave up, 3 episodes in to Netogome and gave up, and 2 episodes in to Umaru-chan. Of the three, Netogome is the best because I laughed one time, when they had the line "all normies should just die." That was stupid. It was stupid but it was at least mildly funny. The other two have no jokes, just characters doing things that I think are supposed to be funny. Maybe if you were a tiny baby who has never seen a comedy before, you'd find it funny. Maybe if I had some sort of horrible disease, I could stop existing and never have to watch this shit again.
Umaru is my personal hell though. Carnival Phantasm at least has a good opening, Umaru is a fucking nightmare of bullshit. The joke is that the character is a huge lazy piece of shit at home but is a great student outside of the house. It'd be somewhat funny except they draw her in a way that looks like a tiny dumb gnome and I hate it. You know what'd make a good joke? If you were to say, contrast the appearance and expectations of someone with fairly high class with their actions, like say, have a student council president in a weird fascist society who is sexually repressed act inappropriately because she doesn't understand social interaction. I mean hell its a joke at least.
Hey, when you have a character that looks ridiculous and acts ridiculous? It's not unexpected, and its not funny. Ridiculous characters behaving like jackasses is what you'd expect from a ridiculous character. There's no contrast. So fuck Umaru. Fuck it. Burn it to the ground.
Now let's get on to the mildly amusing ones. Flying Witch and Shimoneta.
Shimoneta is a hard sell. The main character wears panties on her head to perform terrorisms with porn. It's a series about a fascist future in which pornography is regulated and moral purity is used as an excuse to uphold a police state. It's weird. It's fucking weird. I liked it because I like when weird shit that should be the worst thing you've ever seen in your life puts effort behind what it's doing. The storylines are simple, the jokes are basically what you'd expect, but it's entertaining enough. A man wears a bodysuit made out of used panties. He's a villain. The ending song is great, and the opening has the phrase "thrust forth with your sexcalibur" and I find that funny.
Flying Witch I only got a bit in to because I've been busy. Whenever the characters are doing witch things, I love it. When they're going to high school, I get bored. There's a great scene where a lady stares at a plant for an uncomfortably long period of time, just stares at its fucking weird face, so that was pretty good. Nobody wears witch hats, so 0/10.
ALRIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS. We're down to the last bits of our anime round up. The last two series, both of which I give stunning recommendations. Berserk and Little Witch Academia.
Berserk is a fucking terrible anime, done in bad CGI. There are legitimately scenes where characters have 3 frames of animation for 20+ seconds, half the time characters just switch to 2D drawings? It's so fucking bad. It's probably the worst anime I've seen in a long time, and you should 100% watch it as long as its with people. I have no idea whats happening in the anime. The main character is Guts, he has a big ass sword and its cuts Dreamcast-ass skeletons in half while randomly making the sound of a metal fork hitting a pan really hard. He doesn't have any super powers besides being really strong. The animation is hilariously bad, dialogue makes no sense, and oh yeah, the first episode? Takes place LITERALLY A YEAR BEFORE THE SIXTH EPISODE. Literally a full year before. Why? What? How? When? What is happening?
Berserk is such a confusing shitshow and I'm fascinated by it. The manga itself is probably the second most famous manga of that era, second only to fucking Jojo's Bizarre Adventure in terms of popularity and cultural appeal, yet this shit has the budget of maybe $200 and a half-eaten sandwich. It's spawned entire genres of manga and video games, had a huge influence on everything from dark souls to final fantasy, and yet the best they could do is THIS. Holy fuck. I don't even want to link images to you, I have a few, but my god. It's so bad that you're not even ready for it. You're not prepared at all.
Watch it with people. It's on crunchyroll. You'll hate it, but its hilarious. Watch it without knowing anything about the series too, you don't care. It's confusing and baffling but fuck it whatever, it's stupid garbage but you will never be bored. It's the best bad anime for that reason. Oh, right. Caveat. This anime is based off of a very old work, and well. There's no easy way to say it? There's a lot of rape. Literally there's rape in the opening song. One of the characters has in fact been raped so much that she's braindead, then the other female character with a name gets almost raped by a horse. There's also gratuitous nudity, but nobody has any nipples or genitals of any kind? Which is great, since at one point a character is fondling a woman's nipple-less tits and its the most awkward thing you'll see in your entire life. Wow I fucking hate Berserk. They play none of this for laughs by the way. This is all taken seriously.
Little Witch Academia is literally the polar opposite of Berserk. Its great. Nobody gets raped or murdered horribly. Instead, a character who is earnest but untalented grows as a person despite everyone, including herself, doubting her. It's a charming, well animated world. None of the episodes are bad, though a few are weaker than others (and are mostly there to build the world.)
Little Witch Academia is the story of Akko Kagari, a girl who aspires to be like her favorite witch, Shiny Chariot. She's terrible at magic, she can't fly a broom, but she wants to be a witch more than anything else. I won't get too much in to the plot, but its the story of how this character grows from being an idealistic youth, on the outside of a society that she idealizes, in to a full on member of that society and her discovering all of the problems that it has and how she has to navigate them. It's wholesome without being boring, none of the characters are lazy villains.
It's a story about an idealist fighting two societies that have no place for idealism, the human world and the magic world. Humans don't care about witches or magic at all, since everyone has cell phones anyway. Witches are stuck in traditions and old ideas of what a witch is, and don't see Akko as part of that tradition. It's great. It's heartwarming and sentimental and funny and earnest.
It is not a plot heavy series, and if you are watching it expecting each episode to be a carefully crafted story with a stunning conclusion, hey this isn't your show. It's a character driven show. All of the characters in it are characters that can be related to in some way, with only gag characters feeling two dimensional. Even the two bully characters? They have a few little moments where they're human beings.
There are two episodes left, and it's coming to netflix I believe this fall. It's probably my favorite anime ever made? Maybe it shits the bed in the last two episodes? Unlikely, Trigger knows how to end a series well.
And that's it for the first half of 2017 folks. You may have wondered why I didn't write anything about Dirty Pair, but that's secretly my review of Dirty Pair.