The painful growth stage of change. You have to be some special kind of asshole to say there is no way in which you could improve yourself. But it's one things to admit your faults or that you have them. When you are actively trying to confront and change those things it's full of uncomfortable realizations about behavior that you did not even know was a problem. Also around 90 days into early sobriety, it's pretty common to just randomly want to drink for no particular reason.
Thanks. I try not to tell anyone I care about about urges because it's not a big deal and I don't want them to worry. But in the interest of hubski as a place to learn I'll explain the urges I get to people who will never be addicts. Being tired is apparently a trigger. When I got off work and was tired I'd drink a lot. As I am wont to do. Counterproductively because I would stay up later to drink more. I was kinda surprised by that but there are different layers to addiction. Like the physical act of putting liquid in my face is something I still do obsessively whether it's water or coffee or Dr Pepper, I'm just Pavlov style conditioned to drink stuff. I'll just drive by a gas station and the the pre action thought of turning into the lot will strike me for no reason other than for years I'd drive by gas stations and stop to buy beer. No desire to actually drink just subconsciously, "Hey look. That thing with the stuff you need. Better stop." but without words just a quick feeling that I should stop. I went to a bar which I'm not supposed to do. But it's an awesome bar https://www.sisterlouisaschurch.com and my girlfriend was in town and I wanted her to see it. No desire to drink. But we were trying to leave, I was trying harder, she was finishing her drink, and I instinctually wanted to just down her drink in one swallow so we could go. Which is rude and a dick way to get us out the door. But that was my impulse to get us to leave. To get my way really. And we were at a restaurant for my brother's birthday and she didn't finish a gin. So gin has the magical ability to make me vomit immediately in a way rubbing alcohol probably couldn't. But as soon as she turned her back to get up I instinctually thought to finish her drink. Didn't want to. Know even in active addiction that gin is useless to me. Still had the thought for no rational reason other than it's what I done did for years, finish other people's drinks given the opportunity. Her drinking is a whole other story. It doesn't trigger me but she's a cheap date who can't hold her booze. She'd die if she tried to keep up with me. But don't even want to really go into it. It's a thing. Things can be good and bad depending on context.