Already? Another one?
For the last two weeks, I've been staying up until as late as 5 AM. Today was no exception. The sole purpose of such night watch is so I could talk to a girl living four timezones behind me. It's the same girl I've talked about at last week's Pubski meeting.
It's difficult to talk about it without feeling pity for myself right now. I tend to internalize all my failures, and this, being a new experience, has many. I recognize that often, I set myself against an indecently-high bar. Still, being sober in reflection, - I did things that aren't good for any relationship, or for myself. Putting unreasonable pressure on her was one of those things. Selling myself low - another.
It's scary for me to be in a relationship where the other person appreciates me for what I am. Past memories tell me that after such appreciation, inevitably comes pointing out of how I fail as a person, in one aspect or another. Now, without external sources of shame, I make one up from inside to "compensate" for good behavior. I'm accustomed to surviving in toxic conditions that no longer exist in my life, and the survival instinct is difficult to rewire because dangers don't just disappear - not in nature, anyway.
Either way, I don't believe it's going to matter. I don't think she still takes me seriously as a potential romantic interest. At this point, I'm just glad to have had someone who sincerely - and obviously - likes me. "Obviously" is a big one for me, because my default state of mind on people's attitude towards me is "uh, it's this guy again". Unless people tell me they feel good about it, I don't dare assume otherwise. It's something I've been working on for the past few months, but with the busload of things on my shoulders doesn't do my healing favors.
In other news, I've finally figured out how to not stress so much about university and the pile of debts that I've accrued by missing two months' worth of classes due to depression. It's a job. I may not like it, but it affords me opportunities I couldn't have otherwise acquired. It pays, too... technically: my parents send me money to live on. Besides, it's not the worst thing I could be doing, given the freedom I get for doing it. Just have to do well enough. For now, it's okay.
I'm glad to have found this place. You guys are awesome. There are great conversations here from time to time, and the trove of experiences people bring here is fantastic. Keep up the good work, fellas.