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comment by kleinbl00
kleinbl00  ·  180 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Silicon Valley’s $400 Juicer May Be Feeling the Squeeze

When I celebrated the demise of Gawker, my roommate bemoaned the fact that this included Deadspin. i derided him cruelly. But I've since become a believer. Deadspin is bomb.




rrrrr  ·  180 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    One of the investors said they were frustrated with how the company didn’t deliver on the original pitch and that their venture firm wouldn’t have met with Evans if he were hawking bags of juice that didn’t require high-priced hardware.

They simply need to put a hard, unsqueezable cartridge around the juice bag, equip the cartridge with DRM to make sure no-one uses third-party juice, build the squeezing mechanism into the cartridge instead of the main machine, add a chip that disables the cartridge if it's decoupled from the inner bag or the bag is refilled, and build in a small pouch of indelibly dyed bittering agent that gets injected into the juice if tampering is suspected. Explain that it's "for the safety and security of all our customers," so terrorists can't pass off dangerous terror-juice as the real thing. Then repurpose the main machine as an interface to the cartridge's various encryption and protection chips plus a big green "go" button. Of course this will put the price of the cartridges up, but you can sell the machine for half the price to get people hooked. Heck, you can even throw in a free half-filled starter bag of freedom juice.

Fresh bagjuice for everyone, and happy venture capitalists too! Honestly, has this idiot never seen a printer?

And if he wants to be really modern he can sell juice squeezing as a subscription service. Without a valid licence and an active internet connection your fancy juice cartridges become mere fruitbricks.

Oh, and call it "Smart Juice". You're welcome.

goobster  ·  179 days ago  ·  link  ·  

And Frütbrix is a GREAT name for a faux-Swedish EDM/Doomcore crossover band.

goobster  ·  179 days ago  ·  link  ·  

This is McSweeney's-level quality writing right here, my friend.

Laughed my ass off. Now I can't sit down. Thanks.