Just wanted to let you know I'm doing better.
It's been a rough month. I've been feeling low, but it's the duration that got me. I've skipped a lot of classes, so now I have to work my way back to the crest of the wave. I have great confidence in my ability to do so, but it will take time and effort, which I don't seem to have much of lately.
I feel exhausted, and yet, I'm getting stuff done. I feel mostly down a lot of the time, and yet, I've made my own food and I keep taking care of myself. One step at a time can do wonders when all you can do is put one sentence down: for this moment, one sentence is enough. Most problems aren't as big as we imagine them being.
What helped me put it together was an article by Mark Manson, "Life is a Video Game — Here are the Cheat Codes". It reminded me that, despite how bad I feel about things, I have it all pretty good. I have a roof over my head and means to pay for it. I have food and clean water. I have cheap access to the Internet and even ways to circumvent with ease political censorship my country's government installed.
Most importantly, it reminded me that I'm not a victim of circumstance, nor am I center of the universe. I'm a human being, of advantages and flaws, just like every single one of us. It let me see that, in desire to protect myself against pain and discomfort, I separated myself from the world and the people more and more, and that made me more selfish. Mark pointed out nicely that the point of therapy, for most of us, is not to get help, but to get a chance to see things from a more objective perspective, through the eyes of a person far less caring about you than yourself. Seeing what I kept doing for so long from the article... well, it opened my eyes.
All of this requires sustainance. It requires constant practice. It's easy to forget when you feel good - and dreadful to remember once you feel bad. I'm working on a little something to help me keep my mind on.
One of the "cheat codes" for life, according to Mark, is "share your shame". He says that we retain our deepest fears and sources of shame as something to hide from everyone, as if they make us any less human. We're afraid to be different, and we think that whatever we experience, must be unique by default, when it is rarely the case. Admitting our flaws makes us more complete rather than more vulnerable. The more we accept of ourselves, the more at ease we are with ourselves - and there's nothing more unsettling that escaping one's true self.
I was writing public confessions of sorts here before. If it's okay with you folks, I'm going to keep doing that. It helps. It also gives me a chance to get outside perspective on things, which is invaluable.
I want to end this by thanking you guys. Hubski's been a fantastic place for me ever since I found it. I'm grateful for everything you do as a community and everything you do for me. I appreciate the opportunity to come here and talk about things, whether I feel good or bad. I know I haven't been talking much good lately. I want to change that. I want to share good with you, too.
Thank you, guys. Be well.