Thanks for the great advice bl00, your comment has been on my head all day. I've made a triple venn diagramm for my job, litcat, and freelance. You're right about how thinly I'm spread - I worry about my other jobs while doing the job I'm supposed to be doing, and it's fucking with me hard. Out of respect for how angry and frustrated I was yesterday, I did my best to apply myself to my job today. I acted like I had gotten out of a depression this morning (why this works is still amazing to me), and acted as jovial as could be (I also ThatFanFicGuy's comment and thought it was hilarious, so I acted like what he probably thought I was like) I voiced my fear of my review with my team lead today, she enthusiastically felt that I had nothing to worry about. That I was helpful and the account managers really liked me, I was a serious asset to the company. I trust her judgement, mostly because I felt I was going insane yesterday. It's more likely that I am just a weird person with a lot of individual skills that are useful when the fires are bright. There was a few days where I spent 7 hours dicking around, but more days where I was immediately useful at other things. But there is another lens that occurred to me while at work today: My job is to keep clients on our monthly retainer. SEO doesn't actually matter at the scale that we're doing it, (most of the keyword estimates are at 10 searches a month) it is more that the clients are kept, they believe we are doing something, and we are there when they need help. This is what's wrong - my position's value lies mostly in reaction, when my idea of productivity is in being proactive. I need to see myself more like a firefighter to enjoy my work. My job vs. my freelance work is interesting topic that I need to reflect on, because its something me and my boss talk have talked about and is something that I'm going to think about this weekend. I tell my clients that I can't do SEO work for them because of my job conflict, and I end up doing the work I'm passionate about - web design and hosting. At the agency, it's cheaper to have me make a few emails to designers and developers from Freelancer.com, than it is for me to go into the code. The Venn Diagram I have is about which of three jobs I should cut. It would probably sound insane to you, but my gut instinct is to cut Lit.cat and focus on embracing my job and freelance work. I'm starting to realize that this entire comment and the reasoning is starting to sound more like weaseling out of burden of doing good work that you're trying to instill in me. I promise, goddammit, good work is all I want to do. I'll be more cognizant.
Right-o. Sounds like you're gonna be okay, friend. Based on what your team lead said, you're your own worst critic. That's great! That means with some self-esteem exercises you can learn to stop beating yourself up! Which doesn't mean everything's right as rain, as you were. It means that you're already doing much better than you thought you were and are therefore that much further on the path to greatness. For example: If your job is to do SEO, and it "doesn't really matter at the scale you're doing it" that means you need to scale up. Bring that up in the review - mention that you feel underutilized and that you'd like some help exploring ways to extend your services to a greater audience. There's nothing but upside for them on this; it's a rare company that turns down the possibility of risk-free revenue increases. 'cuz let's be honest: there's nothing geospecific about SEO. Your clients could be anywhere. There. Now you're no longer reacting. You're being proactive. And look at the bright side - you can fail like a mutherfucker and it costs neither you, your company nor any of your clients a thing. And don't "cut" a hobby, which is what lit.cat is. Backburner it, scale it back, put it on hiatus, and promise yourself you'll get back to it when you can afford the time and energy. That gives you the opportunity to putter with it when you've got the time and the inclination. I ain't never gonna give you shit for wanting to support clients and coworkers. One last thing: it may be cheaper to send emails to freelancer.com, but if you're underutilized your time is effectively free. Not only that, if it's fulfilling for you to work on stuff like that, see if you can't convince your peeps to let you take a whack at it occasionally for the simple reason that it increases your job satisfaction. The most efficient way isn't always the best way - sure, long-term you're probably more cost-effective as an SEO guy than as a designer. But sometimes you gotta flash the skillz. Did you know, for example, that the top 20 or so architecture firms in Seattle compete every year to make the dopest gingerbread house? and that they've been doing it for 25 years? Talk about a waste of billable hours... But they do it. Because it's fun. And they lord their wins over each other. Do some web design sometimes. Show of your skillz. Let them know what you can do. Who knows where it might lead.
What are some of those self-esteem exercises? I find my general level of anxiety trending upwards lately, and it's due in large part to the critic in my head.
Got it, ok. Damn. I was looking for Left Right Left Right Up Down. Seems like it's more complicated than that. But I agree entirely with the maxim that people don't care nearly as much as you think they do, for better or worse. Not only that, but internalizing this maxim has been one of the more liberating things I've experienced.