The hero's story: Once upon a time there was a college graduate who decided to travel across the US to find his calling by himself. He became overwhelmed and depressed and got stuck in Pittsburgh and got burntout after working for a year at a failing web design start up. He ran back home to Alaska and pissed away a year of his life as a NEET (not in education, employment, or training) living with parents. Then he got a job in digital marketing at a local firm. We join our hero now, 3 months into his gainfully employed position. What are his advesaries?
Enemies:
Sensibility to Social Threat
Our hero is extremely weak against a particular type of loneliness: The feeling of not belonging.
You don't have any close friends, and you were excited about getting a job because you would meet new people. However...
The open office layout is kryptonite for our hero, especially because he works in a department with 5 female coworkers who don't his interests and have husbands in the military. They invite each other to lunch without a glance at you, they talk about things you have no business hearing, they put their headphones on and you do the same even though you are dying to talk to someone right now, about anything, you don't care. You pretend that you are a ghost and the idea brings you solace, because it helps you realize that you are not entitled to their attention.
But is it too late now? Will you be fired on Monday for failing to make meaningful social connections? Use your creativity, dammit, the hero tells himself. You can connect to anyone if you try. Don't just do the small talk. Also, they don't hate you. You need to stop ruminating on the times you say stupid shit. You aren't going to get fired for being aloof. You're more likely to be fired for...
Internet Addiction
Our hero is probably going to get fired for this. The truth is, our hero is a piece of shit.
At first, our hero was grateful for his job. But, as his work involves the penny slot machine that is SEO, there is little immediate feedback for it. Each day is an exercise in expanding a minimum amount of tasks to fill in an 8 hour workday and trying to justify them on a worklog. Mostly he browses the internet. He has probably spent 7 hours browsing the internet some days, even though he knows he should be proactive. He just doesn't know how. Our hero needs to be smacked hard in the face and told what to do- for the last two weeks, he feels like he isn't in a position to make decisions by himself anymore.
This of course, ties into your lack of connection with your coworkers, hell, the company. And here is perhaps your biggest problem of them all:
Illusions of Grandeur
You are not only a piece of shit, but you also feel like you're entitled to meaningful work. This is why you run litcat, and this is why you take on freelance web design clients outside of work. But fuck you, hero. The hero is tired after regular work days. He is spread thinly and behind on everything. And he juggles 5 outside clients because he didn't major in marketing, he majored in psychology, because he is a dipshit, who believes he can improve himself to make up for the fact that he can't charge enough when meeting new clients because he is the worst kind of socially anxious and has to type to himself in second person and 3rd person to actually make sense to himself in his head, fuck, goddamn.
I'm not doing well. I need to sleep. I want to ask for advice, but I don't know where to start.
So the real question is: Have they talked to you about performance before? Because if they have, and if you still suck, then they know you're untrainable. But if they haven't, this is their chance. Without knowing more I'ma guess you're more likely to get a bad review than you are to get the sack and the best thing about bad reviews is they leave lots of room for improvement. You know what your problem is - you're applying yourself everywhere but work. I don't know what sort of moonlighting clause you have in place, but if you're doing the same work on the side that you're doing under employ you're violating it. And if you're not, then you should probably try to bridge out into doing that, too. Here's a truism that the shy can't hear often enough: no one gives half as much of a shit about you as you think they do. You know why they're ignoring you? Because you're pretending to be a ghost. We tend to have exactly the expectations of others that they set for us; if you hide in the corner and stare at the floor, I'm going to assume you don't want me to talk to you. If you wear a vibrant, loud shirt I'll assume you want to be noticed. If you smile a lot I'll assume you're happy. If you glare at me all day cracking your knuckles I'll assume you're looking for a reason to punch me in the face. This is us, as social creatures, picking up on the social cues available. I haven't worked a jobby-job in - fuck. Ten years now. It's super nice. Back when I did, I would get a big pile of things that needed doing and when they were done, I'd tell someone. Then they would give me more stuff to do. That does not mean that I was in a constant race against the clock to do everything as fast as possible, that means that I set a pace I could meet and ensured that my employers used me for everything they were paying me for. The only time I didn't do that was when I ended up in a position where I was actively, decisively sidelined from anything involving expertise and that period lasted about six weeks. Now that I'm freelance, working with a bunch of freelancers, we make it really clear when we're done with something because we all want to get done and go home. I'll bet your coworkers do, too. Instead of doing your damnedest not to connect, try heading over to the Queen Bee's cubicle, say "ahem, excuse me, but I'm done with everything on my plate - can I help you with anything?" "local" firms rarely have the luxury of dead weight. There's probably lots of shit that isn't getting done because there isn't staff to do it. BE THAT STAFF. Again - no jobby jobs in 10 years but the last jobby job I had, there was a board meeting about what to do with all the projects that couldn't move forward without my involvement (the decision was made to hemorrhage $20m in contracts). In the jobby job before that I had legit two business cards depending on which set of clients and what sort of work I'd be doing for them. Only guy in the company. Even now, I'm the only guy who does live sound and post and setup. Obviously my experience with the board room thing taught me that no one is indispensable but fuckin'A there is nothing worse than being bored at work. You've got three jobs. One pays you most of your money. One pays you a little. One pays you nothing. One you do not enjoy. One you enjoy a little. One you enjoy a lot. Two jobs you can do. Done it my whole goddamn life. Three jobs? Nope. Sorry, buddy. It's like dating two girls - you can do it, but if you're gonna do it right you have to put in twice the time. There's only 24 hours in a day and if you're wasting seven of them surfing the Internet it's gonna be even harder. The things you enjoy about freelance? Find a way to do that at work. Purge your freelance clients because if that isn't getting you in trouble it will. And acknowledge that they're giving you a certain amount of money in exchange for a certain amount of work and give it to them. If that number is greater than the work they're currently giving you, point out the discrepancy and give them every opportunity to remedy the situation. Put in a decent day of accomplishments so that when you do your own shit you feel proud, not guilty. Have you seen Neil Patel? Dude gets into SEO like Stephen Colbert gets into Lord of the Rings. It ain't my cup'o'tea but ain't nobody paying me, neither. Someone puts me on salary to do SEO shit? I'n'I am printing up cards that say "master of the dark arts" and digging into that shit like it's Rocky Road ice cream. 'cuz really? If you're supposed to be doing SEO and you're spending all day browsing the Internet, fuckin' learn some shit about SEO off the Internet and apply it like it's your job. 'cuz it is. Look me in the (figurative) eyes: I mix reality television for a living. I'm fucking good at it. I generate content that in no way edifies my existence on this earth and does not in any way make the world a better place. But that's what they pay me to do and that's what they expect of me so I put my goddamn back into it. There is nothing I've worked on - for years - that I would recommend you watch. NOTHING. I've got one friend that actively consumes the content I help make (despite a viewership in the millions) and she doesn't usually make it to the end of the season. But fuckin'A, that's my name in the credits, that's my work in exchange for their money, that's the increment of my (increasingly finite) time on this earth that I have exchanged to them in order to feed my family and I will not be phoning it in, thanks. Li'l story. I was "the car dude" in high school. Between my dad and I we had fifteen cars, maybe three of which were operable at any given time. And a friend of mine got in a fender bender and asked if I could pull it out so her fender stopped scraping her tire when she turned. Intially I pulled it out and walked away. But then my father - who's "advice giving" episodes can be counted on one hand - pointed out that if I left it the way it was, my shitty lack-of-bodywork would be driving around town for an indeterminate period of time and whenever anyone asked her who half-assed the thing back into operability, the name she'd give would be mine. So instead of calling it quits at 11am on Saturday, I reefed on that thing until 5pm Sunday, bondo, microplanes, 400 grit, sanded primer until the fucking fender was paint-ready. And she didn't ask me for that. And I wouldn't let her pay for it. But fuckin'A if my work is gonna be driving around town, it isn't gonna be half-assed. I don't half-ass and neither should you. It isn't a guarantee of success and it won't make you fireproof (see: $20m in lost revenue) but it sure as hell is a ward against bad performance reviews. You wanted a kick in the ass? There you go. Work like it's your job, party like it's the weekend and stand behind every fucking thing you do.
KB, as always, saying the things I can't scratch the words together for. Find the person in your office who makes shit happen and buddy up. In my office, that's me, despite my rank as a low-paid peon. My boss never asks me what I am working on, unless it's to interrupt with a potentially more important or urgent task. My coworkers get asked. How did I get to be the person whom the office doesn't run without? When I got there, I figured out what needed to get done that was being ignored and figured out how to make it happen while still getting the essentials done. Now that we have our full complement I can delegate the stuff that needs to be done but I hate doing to someone else and my boss is cool with whatever I decide.
Thanks for the great advice bl00, your comment has been on my head all day. I've made a triple venn diagramm for my job, litcat, and freelance. You're right about how thinly I'm spread - I worry about my other jobs while doing the job I'm supposed to be doing, and it's fucking with me hard. Out of respect for how angry and frustrated I was yesterday, I did my best to apply myself to my job today. I acted like I had gotten out of a depression this morning (why this works is still amazing to me), and acted as jovial as could be (I also ThatFanFicGuy's comment and thought it was hilarious, so I acted like what he probably thought I was like) I voiced my fear of my review with my team lead today, she enthusiastically felt that I had nothing to worry about. That I was helpful and the account managers really liked me, I was a serious asset to the company. I trust her judgement, mostly because I felt I was going insane yesterday. It's more likely that I am just a weird person with a lot of individual skills that are useful when the fires are bright. There was a few days where I spent 7 hours dicking around, but more days where I was immediately useful at other things. But there is another lens that occurred to me while at work today: My job is to keep clients on our monthly retainer. SEO doesn't actually matter at the scale that we're doing it, (most of the keyword estimates are at 10 searches a month) it is more that the clients are kept, they believe we are doing something, and we are there when they need help. This is what's wrong - my position's value lies mostly in reaction, when my idea of productivity is in being proactive. I need to see myself more like a firefighter to enjoy my work. My job vs. my freelance work is interesting topic that I need to reflect on, because its something me and my boss talk have talked about and is something that I'm going to think about this weekend. I tell my clients that I can't do SEO work for them because of my job conflict, and I end up doing the work I'm passionate about - web design and hosting. At the agency, it's cheaper to have me make a few emails to designers and developers from Freelancer.com, than it is for me to go into the code. The Venn Diagram I have is about which of three jobs I should cut. It would probably sound insane to you, but my gut instinct is to cut Lit.cat and focus on embracing my job and freelance work. I'm starting to realize that this entire comment and the reasoning is starting to sound more like weaseling out of burden of doing good work that you're trying to instill in me. I promise, goddammit, good work is all I want to do. I'll be more cognizant.
Right-o. Sounds like you're gonna be okay, friend. Based on what your team lead said, you're your own worst critic. That's great! That means with some self-esteem exercises you can learn to stop beating yourself up! Which doesn't mean everything's right as rain, as you were. It means that you're already doing much better than you thought you were and are therefore that much further on the path to greatness. For example: If your job is to do SEO, and it "doesn't really matter at the scale you're doing it" that means you need to scale up. Bring that up in the review - mention that you feel underutilized and that you'd like some help exploring ways to extend your services to a greater audience. There's nothing but upside for them on this; it's a rare company that turns down the possibility of risk-free revenue increases. 'cuz let's be honest: there's nothing geospecific about SEO. Your clients could be anywhere. There. Now you're no longer reacting. You're being proactive. And look at the bright side - you can fail like a mutherfucker and it costs neither you, your company nor any of your clients a thing. And don't "cut" a hobby, which is what lit.cat is. Backburner it, scale it back, put it on hiatus, and promise yourself you'll get back to it when you can afford the time and energy. That gives you the opportunity to putter with it when you've got the time and the inclination. I ain't never gonna give you shit for wanting to support clients and coworkers. One last thing: it may be cheaper to send emails to freelancer.com, but if you're underutilized your time is effectively free. Not only that, if it's fulfilling for you to work on stuff like that, see if you can't convince your peeps to let you take a whack at it occasionally for the simple reason that it increases your job satisfaction. The most efficient way isn't always the best way - sure, long-term you're probably more cost-effective as an SEO guy than as a designer. But sometimes you gotta flash the skillz. Did you know, for example, that the top 20 or so architecture firms in Seattle compete every year to make the dopest gingerbread house? and that they've been doing it for 25 years? Talk about a waste of billable hours... But they do it. Because it's fun. And they lord their wins over each other. Do some web design sometimes. Show of your skillz. Let them know what you can do. Who knows where it might lead.
What are some of those self-esteem exercises? I find my general level of anxiety trending upwards lately, and it's due in large part to the critic in my head.
Got it, ok. Damn. I was looking for Left Right Left Right Up Down. Seems like it's more complicated than that. But I agree entirely with the maxim that people don't care nearly as much as you think they do, for better or worse. Not only that, but internalizing this maxim has been one of the more liberating things I've experienced.
Hey, I was in a job a few months ago where I felt the same way. I felt like I had no connection to the work environment or my immediate coworkers. The work culture, if it could be called that, could probably be best described as actively instilling a sense of skepticism and distrust about all the other employees and their competence, as well as the rigor and integrity of my position. On top of that I felt like I had a lot of education and achievements that were not at all applicable to that job, and as a new employee I had no good direction and training was formulated in a less-than-competent way. I didn't know why I was there and I knew I was doing badly. It was a huge hit in my professional self confidence. Since then I've quit and started a new job that is amazing and fulfilling. I basically just handed ina resignation before I had anything concrete lined up because I couldn't take the psychological damage anymore. I had shied away from the kind of position I'm in now because it's a bit less money and I had thought I wouldn't be happy continuing with a research position, but it turns out I was wrong about that. I don't know how to direct you to that new spot, but there's hope. Try not to let your current environment drag you down too much and turn you into a pessimist.
I feel like you are my coworker... I know you're not but he is in a similar situation. I want to feel bad for him because he is sucking hard but he also puts in no effort to learn his job, be proactive, or even remember the stuff he's been taught. I've suggested he take notes, and when he asks questions I ask him what his notes say and he doesn't know where his notes are (some do exist because I have given him some of my notes when I was training him). Yet he also complains that everyone else knows how to do more than him and somehow still thinks he should get a promotion. What is it that you do? Knowing a little about what your office does might help me formulate some advice. It can be hard to integrate with a group that already exists and has worked together a long time, don't try to force anything though, it's only been a couple of months, so your opportunity to work yourself into the group dynamic better may not have presented itself yet.
If my internal rendition of your nickname is anywhere close, I'm having a hard time imagining you being sad. No advice from me. Just hoping you do fine, whatever happens.