The hero's story: Once upon a time there was a college graduate who decided to travel across the US to find his calling by himself. He became overwhelmed and depressed and got stuck in Pittsburgh and got burntout after working for a year at a failing web design start up. He ran back home to Alaska and pissed away a year of his life as a NEET (not in education, employment, or training) living with parents. Then he got a job in digital marketing at a local firm. We join our hero now, 3 months into his gainfully employed position. What are his advesaries?
Sensibility to Social Threat
Our hero is extremely weak against a particular type of loneliness: The feeling of not belonging.
You don't have any close friends, and you were excited about getting a job because you would meet new people. However...
The open office layout is kryptonite for our hero, especially because he works in a department with 5 female coworkers who don't his interests and have husbands in the military. They invite each other to lunch without a glance at you, they talk about things you have no business hearing, they put their headphones on and you do the same even though you are dying to talk to someone right now, about anything, you don't care. You pretend that you are a ghost and the idea brings you solace, because it helps you realize that you are not entitled to their attention.
But is it too late now? Will you be fired on Monday for failing to make meaningful social connections? Use your creativity, dammit, the hero tells himself. You can connect to anyone if you try. Don't just do the small talk. Also, they don't hate you. You need to stop ruminating on the times you say stupid shit. You aren't going to get fired for being aloof. You're more likely to be fired for...
Our hero is probably going to get fired for this. The truth is, our hero is a piece of shit.
At first, our hero was grateful for his job. But, as his work involves the penny slot machine that is SEO, there is little immediate feedback for it. Each day is an exercise in expanding a minimum amount of tasks to fill in an 8 hour workday and trying to justify them on a worklog. Mostly he browses the internet. He has probably spent 7 hours browsing the internet some days, even though he knows he should be proactive. He just doesn't know how. Our hero needs to be smacked hard in the face and told what to do- for the last two weeks, he feels like he isn't in a position to make decisions by himself anymore.
This of course, ties into your lack of connection with your coworkers, hell, the company. And here is perhaps your biggest problem of them all:
Illusions of Grandeur
You are not only a piece of shit, but you also feel like you're entitled to meaningful work. This is why you run litcat, and this is why you take on freelance web design clients outside of work. But fuck you, hero. The hero is tired after regular work days. He is spread thinly and behind on everything. And he juggles 5 outside clients because he didn't major in marketing, he majored in psychology, because he is a dipshit, who believes he can improve himself to make up for the fact that he can't charge enough when meeting new clients because he is the worst kind of socially anxious and has to type to himself in second person and 3rd person to actually make sense to himself in his head, fuck, goddamn.
I'm not doing well. I need to sleep. I want to ask for advice, but I don't know where to start.