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comment by kantos
kantos  ·  414 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: March 1, 2017

The troubles of typing in a stream-of-conscious format without review. Meant the "getting so many tests" segment to be a separate thought, rather than projecting my own problems onto you. Guess that's how it seemed anyways. That strikes one possibility off the list, then! The car crash on the other hand, that wasn't recent, correct? You're all well and good without any persisting troubles?

    That ain't psychosomatic or my brain is a bigger arsehole than I am.

    I'll look it up, but in my experience, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists are unskilled money sponges that will latch to anything that you give them and try to convince you to agree with their first impression.

Truthfully, I've had similar experiences. And some shitty ones at that. Though, there have been two gems that have done wonders in terms of both learning about and shifting who I am and how I view myself (for the better, thankfully). Can't speak much to having similar school experiences, but the same idea sadly persists in terms of getting bullied is OK, yet self-defense isn't.

Oye! That is a cost. Well, at least you've looked and decided what's not for you.

Devac  ·  388 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I can't believe I forgot to respond to you! From the top:

    The car crash on the other hand, that wasn't recent, correct? You're all well and good without any persisting troubles?

That was about six years ago and nothing aside from scars had a permanent effect on my life or health. I had quite a few episodes of sudden spikes of pain around my shoulder blades for the first few months after the accident, but that's to be expected. I didn't even register being wounded until I got a moment to process what just happened. The main thing that I remember from this whole situation is my mother's reaction. Quickly checked me over while calling for an ambulance, deemed me as stable, told me to stay put and beelined to the other car with her medical bag. I was lucky as fuck, by the way, only superficial wounds and not a single major artery got ruptured. I was barely bleeding!

    Bullying and therapy

Honestly, I'm over it. People rarely like me, that's something I grew to accept. But when I'll get angry I get really angry. And since I rarely have any actual face expression other than my neutral resting face, I was told that it looked that much scarier and alien. Plus I'm crazily fit and much stronger than I look*, and always been like that. At least proportionally. In this case, it boils down to pure shock due to my looking rather non-threatening.

In a way, especially after recent retrospection, I don't think that I shouldn't have been forced to undergo any therapy. But I have been losing faith in any psychologists consistently for years at this point. I'm beginning to pinpoint some of the issues that I have and try to work through them myself. That way I at the very least can't say that I'm talking down to myself or leak the information that I don't want to share publicly. You know, the same shit that made me loathe psychologists and harbour quite a lot of contempt toward them. Slowly but surely, I'll get there.

*) Weight? 71 kg / 156 lbs. How much I can lift on a bench with ten repetitions? 105 kg / 230 lbs. Height? 196 cm / 6'5". Most beanpoles can't do that. ;)

kantos  ·  383 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Not an issue, re: responding. I can't say I remembered this topic. Good to know nothing lasting, though I'd be curious to see if nothing comes out of it in the future - i.e. traumas.

    I'm beginning to pinpoint some of the issues that I have

Seriously, good on you.

    and try to work through them myself.

On this end, good luck... I can't fathom people who can do this and succeed in earnest. Because the nature of human progress isn't individualistic, I haven't seen a single case of "I worked through my shit all on my own and it worked" in the years and hundreds of faces I've seen come through the therapy workshop I've worked at. I can only go so far about learning about how and why I act. Creating meaningful change around that requires human compassion, comfort, and connection. Let me take you on a journey through a little something called imago, steeped in Adlerian psych.

My best analogy is my baby brain was a blank slate. I will grew into adolescence and young adulthood while interacting with the outside world - mainly people, to start, my family. People interacting with me provided experiences that beget impressions on my brain that dictated how I interact with the world moving forward. Bear with me, this sounds banal, basic psychology so far, I know.

The Clincher: where the impressions made by others earlier on are core to the manifestation of my own, your own, relationships AND my/your perception of them. These relationships will mirror whatever experiences my blank slate of a brain latched onto because that's what my brain recognizes as it's truth in way is sees the world. I will attract and seek out (consciously or not) people to play the roles of those I interacted with in my childhood moving into my adult life, relationships (romantic and not), and to my grave.

A Way Out: Not logick'ing it. I'll tell you that much. Until

1. I am willing to do the work to undo these impressions/heal

2. someone willing to hold space for the others' wound

nothing will happen.

Working on healing parts of psyche on your own is as effective as having a conversation with a wall. It's people and our relationships that made impressions on us, so people and relationships are what can relieve the impact of those impressions under the right conditions. After which, I can move on in life, seeking out healthier relationships alongside attracting them as well.

I'd like to go into more detail to provide better context, but I don't have the time since I have a class soon. That said, I'll leave this model that's a TL;DR:

Event/Experience -> Feeling -> Belief -> Action -> Event/Experience ->....

Now imagine this being a circle. . . Man this is harder to explain through text, but the point is the brain creates a positive feedback loop for self-validating beliefs.

    I was told that it looked that much scarier and alien.
    when I'll get angry I get really angry.
    People rarely like me, that's something I grew to accept.
    Plus I'm crazily fit and much stronger than I look [I work out a lot]
    [Insert some message about being alien or other]... cough

In a completely related, completely ironic quote I don't endorse: "Break the cycle Morty, rise above, focus on science."

Also, tagging ThatFanficGuy. I know we've delved into relationships before with regard to non-violent communication. The theory here is different, more along the lines of shifting self with relation to others whereas NVC is navigating it with others.

user-inactivated  ·  379 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Action breeds action. Belief breeds belief. Whatever we hold onto, brings us closer towards it.