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comment by kantos
kantos  ·  451 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: March 1, 2017

    It wasn't much of a surprise for me to notice that I already like more people here than from my own year. No-one says shit about me behind my back, my comments aren't met with sighs and groans, and people don't assume that I'm asking more complex questions "to show off" or "waste everyone's time on purpose" but because it's fucking interesting and I want to know the answer. ... Yesterday we got our results back. It was a tense moment broken by seeing both grade and the type of grade.

    I got a smiley face.

Maaaaaaan, getting smiley faces on papers is the bombest shit. That's one hell of a validation you're on the right track. Congrats and good luck, that whole situation is fucking awesome. Are those headaches a norm for you?

WanderingEng  ·  451 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I still remember getting a "nice job" when getting an exam back in my first engineering class. That was probably 16 years ago.

kantos  ·  451 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Exactly what I'm talking about. Those little things add up. Getting a lot of positive feedback in my algebra and pre-calc classes is probably one of the reasons I veered back to a math related major.

Devac  ·  451 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Honestly, I didn't get smiley faces even in kindergarten so it was pretty much a "WTF, did I just had a stroke and can't read" type of situation. Took me a moment to get it. It did feel great. :D

    Are those headaches a norm for you?

Yes. Recently started getting much worse. What's annoying is the fact that I have been in the hospital for quite a while, got MRI, PET, EEG, buttload of other head/brain/abdomen tests on top of a four-day long Holter test and even a lumbar puncture to get some answers. It's all inconclusive. As in, no idea why my hormones are messed up and no idea why would I get headaches. They could be related, but my attending wasn't really a good person to explain it. He's one of those people who does not get that most humans aren't doctors. I would imagine that his talk about "the birds and the bees" would involve words like "oogamy" and "germ layer".

One doctor speculated that it could be stress-related, but I call bullshit on it. Headaches never occur during exams, training, talking with my family, public speaking or anything that actually does stress me. Last time I had one I was just about to eat a pizza and suddenly all smells became overwhelming, lights were increasingly going from 'normal' to 'too bright' etc. There are dozens of possible causes but I don't meet criteria for any of them. No tumours, seizures, bleeding or vein problems, no inflammation factors detected in dozens of blood tests eliminate most possibilities. So far I got sort of a placeholder diagnosis that holds about as much authority as the doctor writing "A migraine(?)" in pencil. :/

kantos  ·  450 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Ah, the joys of a smiley face.

I'm a mere peon, but I wouldn't discount stress as a factor. I get the impression growing up with so many tests done on your body to ensure your safety can be a bit overwhelming? Though, that's beside the point.... stress could just as well build over time, doesn't have to be one event. 😉 On the other hand, (again, peon typing here) sensory overload sounds plausible and worth looking into with EMDR The therapists I worked alongside last weekend always rave about the 🌈wonders🌈(^tm) of EMDR. Fuck... maybe it was something with brain-mapping... I'll have to look back.

Devac  ·  450 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I really don't think that it's about stress. I have been feeling comfortable with doctors since I can remember, I have no fear of being tested etc. The only way it could be in any way related to stress it would be about me having some sort of hard event and all of that hitting me afterwards. Still, if that kind of pain can be psychosomatic… dude. Fifteen percent of my thigh got second-degree burns. I survived a car crash with glass and bits of plastic and metal stabbing my back and leaving one eight-centimetre-long scar and two smaller ones. I fell off my bike and tumbled on gravel for about ten meters. Each of those hurt like a motherfucker and my headaches are only slightly below it. That ain't psychosomatic or my brain is a bigger arsehole than I am.

I'll look it up, but in my experience, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists are unskilled money sponges that will latch to anything that you give them and try to convince you to agree with their first impression. I had to attend a number of sessions because of a school problem and the only lesson I learned from it was "it's OK when you are bullied, but when you will retaliate and subdue that piece of shit only to follow it with public humiliation you need therapy for antisocial tendencies". I should be fucking congratulated if anything! How often do you see a fourteen-year-old who can toss around and completely subdue someone who is four years older? High school sucked, I'm over it.

I'm learning more about myself, people, my problems, empathy and the importance of self-image from just bumming around on Hubski than I have ever learned by being exposed to people. Basically, I'm not backtracking from my initial "I'll look it up" but I'm at best sceptical about any such treatment and that's a very important factor.

EDIT: EMDR is damn expensive around here! Aside from schedules being booked for quite a while, it's still a costly venture. I'm halfway done with fitting my networking and electronics lab (few Raspberry Pi boards, oscilloscope, network switch, basic electronic and electrical components, fucktonne of cables, and regulated power supply. that sort of gear, some of which I already have). Five EMDR visits in a package cost about the same as the rest of my intended lab! And I still can't say about myself that I have experienced anything close to PTSD or live in stress.

I know that you've just shared an option with me, it's much appreciated by the way, but it's not for me. At least for a while. No doubt that there could be the time when I will be willing to try anything, but so far I can manage the pain. Or at least live with it.


kantos  ·  447 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The troubles of typing in a stream-of-conscious format without review. Meant the "getting so many tests" segment to be a separate thought, rather than projecting my own problems onto you. Guess that's how it seemed anyways. That strikes one possibility off the list, then! The car crash on the other hand, that wasn't recent, correct? You're all well and good without any persisting troubles?

    That ain't psychosomatic or my brain is a bigger arsehole than I am.

    I'll look it up, but in my experience, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists are unskilled money sponges that will latch to anything that you give them and try to convince you to agree with their first impression.

Truthfully, I've had similar experiences. And some shitty ones at that. Though, there have been two gems that have done wonders in terms of both learning about and shifting who I am and how I view myself (for the better, thankfully). Can't speak much to having similar school experiences, but the same idea sadly persists in terms of getting bullied is OK, yet self-defense isn't.

Oye! That is a cost. Well, at least you've looked and decided what's not for you.

Devac  ·  421 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I can't believe I forgot to respond to you! From the top:

    The car crash on the other hand, that wasn't recent, correct? You're all well and good without any persisting troubles?

That was about six years ago and nothing aside from scars had a permanent effect on my life or health. I had quite a few episodes of sudden spikes of pain around my shoulder blades for the first few months after the accident, but that's to be expected. I didn't even register being wounded until I got a moment to process what just happened. The main thing that I remember from this whole situation is my mother's reaction. Quickly checked me over while calling for an ambulance, deemed me as stable, told me to stay put and beelined to the other car with her medical bag. I was lucky as fuck, by the way, only superficial wounds and not a single major artery got ruptured. I was barely bleeding!

    Bullying and therapy

Honestly, I'm over it. People rarely like me, that's something I grew to accept. But when I'll get angry I get really angry. And since I rarely have any actual face expression other than my neutral resting face, I was told that it looked that much scarier and alien. Plus I'm crazily fit and much stronger than I look*, and always been like that. At least proportionally. In this case, it boils down to pure shock due to my looking rather non-threatening.

In a way, especially after recent retrospection, I don't think that I shouldn't have been forced to undergo any therapy. But I have been losing faith in any psychologists consistently for years at this point. I'm beginning to pinpoint some of the issues that I have and try to work through them myself. That way I at the very least can't say that I'm talking down to myself or leak the information that I don't want to share publicly. You know, the same shit that made me loathe psychologists and harbour quite a lot of contempt toward them. Slowly but surely, I'll get there.

*) Weight? 71 kg / 156 lbs. How much I can lift on a bench with ten repetitions? 105 kg / 230 lbs. Height? 196 cm / 6'5". Most beanpoles can't do that. ;)

kantos  ·  416 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Not an issue, re: responding. I can't say I remembered this topic. Good to know nothing lasting, though I'd be curious to see if nothing comes out of it in the future - i.e. traumas.

    I'm beginning to pinpoint some of the issues that I have

Seriously, good on you.

    and try to work through them myself.

On this end, good luck... I can't fathom people who can do this and succeed in earnest. Because the nature of human progress isn't individualistic, I haven't seen a single case of "I worked through my shit all on my own and it worked" in the years and hundreds of faces I've seen come through the therapy workshop I've worked at. I can only go so far about learning about how and why I act. Creating meaningful change around that requires human compassion, comfort, and connection. Let me take you on a journey through a little something called imago, steeped in Adlerian psych.

My best analogy is my baby brain was a blank slate. I will grew into adolescence and young adulthood while interacting with the outside world - mainly people, to start, my family. People interacting with me provided experiences that beget impressions on my brain that dictated how I interact with the world moving forward. Bear with me, this sounds banal, basic psychology so far, I know.

The Clincher: where the impressions made by others earlier on are core to the manifestation of my own, your own, relationships AND my/your perception of them. These relationships will mirror whatever experiences my blank slate of a brain latched onto because that's what my brain recognizes as it's truth in way is sees the world. I will attract and seek out (consciously or not) people to play the roles of those I interacted with in my childhood moving into my adult life, relationships (romantic and not), and to my grave.

A Way Out: Not logick'ing it. I'll tell you that much. Until

1. I am willing to do the work to undo these impressions/heal

2. someone willing to hold space for the others' wound

nothing will happen.

Working on healing parts of psyche on your own is as effective as having a conversation with a wall. It's people and our relationships that made impressions on us, so people and relationships are what can relieve the impact of those impressions under the right conditions. After which, I can move on in life, seeking out healthier relationships alongside attracting them as well.

I'd like to go into more detail to provide better context, but I don't have the time since I have a class soon. That said, I'll leave this model that's a TL;DR:

Event/Experience -> Feeling -> Belief -> Action -> Event/Experience ->....

Now imagine this being a circle. . . Man this is harder to explain through text, but the point is the brain creates a positive feedback loop for self-validating beliefs.

    I was told that it looked that much scarier and alien.
    when I'll get angry I get really angry.
    People rarely like me, that's something I grew to accept.
    Plus I'm crazily fit and much stronger than I look [I work out a lot]
    [Insert some message about being alien or other]... cough

In a completely related, completely ironic quote I don't endorse: "Break the cycle Morty, rise above, focus on science."

Also, tagging ThatFanficGuy. I know we've delved into relationships before with regard to non-violent communication. The theory here is different, more along the lines of shifting self with relation to others whereas NVC is navigating it with others.

user-inactivated  ·  412 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Action breeds action. Belief breeds belief. Whatever we hold onto, brings us closer towards it.

elizabeth  ·  450 days ago  ·  link  ·  

bumming around on Hubski is the best :)