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comment by Devac
Devac  ·  26 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: March 1, 2017

This semester I'm taking a grad-level course and I figured that it's going to be the time to seriously hit the books and that I should at least attempt to stop dropping (dumb) jokes or asking for clarifications. Probably will not have much time for anything and considered dropping it. Apparently, I don't have to. It wasn't much of a surprise for me to notice that I already like more people here than from my own year. No-one says shit about me behind my back, my comments aren't met with sighs and groans, and people don't assume that I'm asking more complex questions "to show off" or "waste everyone's time on purpose" but because it's fucking interesting and I want to know the answer. I know, shocking. Attending university to be taught and gain the most out of it. Also, I can't believe that my plans for this weekend involve a date and being invited for boardgames.

Anyway, lecturer strongly tried to discourage most people from taking his class. I have to hand it to him, it was definitely the hardest class I attended so far. Harder than most books I've read so far. I could barely keep up at places. The third hour of our first lecture last week was dedicated to solving a single problem in form of a test. The grade wasn't supposed to be decisive but should indicate to people if Classical Field Theory is really what they should be pursuing. In lecturer's own words "this is only going to get harder and over a half of you had problems with this question". Yesterday we got our results back. It was a tense moment broken by seeing both grade and the type of grade.

I got a smiley face.

Yup. I'll have to scan it after classes. Everyone was pretty much speechless when they got their tests back. I gave a proof of a heterogeneous change of base being a proper field transform and my grade is a smiley face. The goal for this semester: getting a gold star on finals. ;)

Now, if only I could find a way to stop having massive splitting "there are sparks at the peripheries of my vision" headaches every few days I would be golden.




kantos  ·  26 days ago  ·  link  ·  

    It wasn't much of a surprise for me to notice that I already like more people here than from my own year. No-one says shit about me behind my back, my comments aren't met with sighs and groans, and people don't assume that I'm asking more complex questions "to show off" or "waste everyone's time on purpose" but because it's fucking interesting and I want to know the answer. ... Yesterday we got our results back. It was a tense moment broken by seeing both grade and the type of grade.

    I got a smiley face.

Maaaaaaan, getting smiley faces on papers is the bombest shit. That's one hell of a validation you're on the right track. Congrats and good luck, that whole situation is fucking awesome. Are those headaches a norm for you?

WanderingEng  ·  26 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I still remember getting a "nice job" when getting an exam back in my first engineering class. That was probably 16 years ago.

kantos  ·  26 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Exactly what I'm talking about. Those little things add up. Getting a lot of positive feedback in my algebra and pre-calc classes is probably one of the reasons I veered back to a math related major.

Devac  ·  25 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Honestly, I didn't get smiley faces even in kindergarten so it was pretty much a "WTF, did I just had a stroke and can't read" type of situation. Took me a moment to get it. It did feel great. :D

    Are those headaches a norm for you?

Yes. Recently started getting much worse. What's annoying is the fact that I have been in the hospital for quite a while, got MRI, PET, EEG, buttload of other head/brain/abdomen tests on top of a four-day long Holter test and even a lumbar puncture to get some answers. It's all inconclusive. As in, no idea why my hormones are messed up and no idea why would I get headaches. They could be related, but my attending wasn't really a good person to explain it. He's one of those people who does not get that most humans aren't doctors. I would imagine that his talk about "the birds and the bees" would involve words like "oogamy" and "germ layer".

One doctor speculated that it could be stress-related, but I call bullshit on it. Headaches never occur during exams, training, talking with my family, public speaking or anything that actually does stress me. Last time I had one I was just about to eat a pizza and suddenly all smells became overwhelming, lights were increasingly going from 'normal' to 'too bright' etc. There are dozens of possible causes but I don't meet criteria for any of them. No tumours, seizures, bleeding or vein problems, no inflammation factors detected in dozens of blood tests eliminate most possibilities. So far I got sort of a placeholder diagnosis that holds about as much authority as the doctor writing "A migraine(?)" in pencil. :/

kantos  ·  25 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Ah, the joys of a smiley face.

I'm a mere peon, but I wouldn't discount stress as a factor. I get the impression growing up with so many tests done on your body to ensure your safety can be a bit overwhelming? Though, that's beside the point.... stress could just as well build over time, doesn't have to be one event. 😉 On the other hand, (again, peon typing here) sensory overload sounds plausible and worth looking into with EMDR The therapists I worked alongside last weekend always rave about the 🌈wonders🌈(^tm) of EMDR. Fuck... maybe it was something with brain-mapping... I'll have to look back.

Devac  ·  24 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I really don't think that it's about stress. I have been feeling comfortable with doctors since I can remember, I have no fear of being tested etc. The only way it could be in any way related to stress it would be about me having some sort of hard event and all of that hitting me afterwards. Still, if that kind of pain can be psychosomatic… dude. Fifteen percent of my thigh got second-degree burns. I survived a car crash with glass and bits of plastic and metal stabbing my back and leaving one eight-centimetre-long scar and two smaller ones. I fell off my bike and tumbled on gravel for about ten meters. Each of those hurt like a motherfucker and my headaches are only slightly below it. That ain't psychosomatic or my brain is a bigger arsehole than I am.

I'll look it up, but in my experience, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists are unskilled money sponges that will latch to anything that you give them and try to convince you to agree with their first impression. I had to attend a number of sessions because of a school problem and the only lesson I learned from it was "it's OK when you are bullied, but when you will retaliate and subdue that piece of shit only to follow it with public humiliation you need therapy for antisocial tendencies". I should be fucking congratulated if anything! How often do you see a fourteen-year-old who can toss around and completely subdue someone who is four years older? High school sucked, I'm over it.

I'm learning more about myself, people, my problems, empathy and the importance of self-image from just bumming around on Hubski than I have ever learned by being exposed to people. Basically, I'm not backtracking from my initial "I'll look it up" but I'm at best sceptical about any such treatment and that's a very important factor.

EDIT: EMDR is damn expensive around here! Aside from schedules being booked for quite a while, it's still a costly venture. I'm halfway done with fitting my networking and electronics lab (few Raspberry Pi boards, oscilloscope, network switch, basic electronic and electrical components, fucktonne of cables, and regulated power supply. that sort of gear, some of which I already have). Five EMDR visits in a package cost about the same as the rest of my intended lab! And I still can't say about myself that I have experienced anything close to PTSD or live in stress.

I know that you've just shared an option with me, it's much appreciated by the way, but it's not for me. At least for a while. No doubt that there could be the time when I will be willing to try anything, but so far I can manage the pain. Or at least live with it.

Thanks!

kantos  ·  21 days ago  ·  link  ·  

The troubles of typing in a stream-of-conscious format without review. Meant the "getting so many tests" segment to be a separate thought, rather than projecting my own problems onto you. Guess that's how it seemed anyways. That strikes one possibility off the list, then! The car crash on the other hand, that wasn't recent, correct? You're all well and good without any persisting troubles?

    That ain't psychosomatic or my brain is a bigger arsehole than I am.
LOL.

    I'll look it up, but in my experience, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists are unskilled money sponges that will latch to anything that you give them and try to convince you to agree with their first impression.

Truthfully, I've had similar experiences. And some shitty ones at that. Though, there have been two gems that have done wonders in terms of both learning about and shifting who I am and how I view myself (for the better, thankfully). Can't speak much to having similar school experiences, but the same idea sadly persists in terms of getting bullied is OK, yet self-defense isn't.

Oye! That is a cost. Well, at least you've looked and decided what's not for you.

elizabeth  ·  24 days ago  ·  link  ·  

bumming around on Hubski is the best :)