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comment by tacocat
tacocat  ·  492 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: Pubski: February 15, 2017

I'm kinda fucked. I'm homeless and unemployed and the only money I'll have for a while is whatever the pawn shop gives me for my iPad. My checking account is $2,000 overdrawn and I somehow owe PayPal $300 (thanks bank, at least I legitimately owed you that $300 as opposed to all the fees you're never getting). I'm in a shelter in a town where I don't really know anyone and my car might be repossessed. My car which is an hour away and doesn't have sufficient tags or insurance. I also might have an arrest warrant out for me in another county. And I'm still going despite trying to kill myself about a month ago. Which is ostensibly why I left the rehab I was mandated to by the state. I really don't understand myself. Shit's not that bad relatively and I'm suicidal, I'm watching the shit hit the fan and I'm determined. But getting drunk as fuck and jumping off the parking deck is actually a comforting option to me.

In the past three months or so I've been arrested twice, barred from my dad's house by court order, mandated to a rehab that only consisted of AA meetings, got psychotically depressed and had no help except from a strip mall nurse practitioner, got kicked out of said rehab and have been living in hotels and hospitals for 5-6 weeks. I also think I have pneumonia since one of those hospitalizations was for that and it seems to be viral. Just in case you weren't following the misadventures of tacocat on hubski. camarillobrillo has and he probably wants to kick me in the nuts.

I have no idea what I'm doing but I keep doing it for a while longer. This is a long, stupid story but that's the gist of it.

I'm at the library right now so I can type a lot and feel like I can be coherent as opposed to forgetting what I just said on my phone. Any replies will be from the phone

goobster  ·  492 days ago  ·  link  ·  

Damn. Sorry for the chaos, man.

But ya know what... I saw something in your writing... it's like you went through a bit of a cathartic process. I wonder if maybe you should make a habit of it? Writing. Journaling. Blogging. Whatever.

In between the lines, it seems like you were able to process stuff by just letting it out. Any chance you might visit the library daily, and write as a regular thing?

Even having a 1-item To Do List is something, and it might help you keep on keepin on, until things turn around.

Sending good vibes your way... (that's trite, I know, but it is honest)

tacocat  ·  492 days ago  ·  link  ·  

In college I could write in my head about my day and remember it at night. I wrote half a horrible book that way. I don't know. If I don't die it'll be good for me.

There are certain poetic symmetries about this. I'm back in my college town after ten years. I pawned my iPad at the shop a guy who stole from me took my stuff. When I was new here there was a church sign that said "Welcome home, Chris" and here I am back and not too miserable. I still might jump off the parking garage though