Started doing stuff this week. Academic debts, which looked terrifying but is, in fact, but a heap; learn some things, make others. Cooking, which has always been difficult when energy is low, like it is now. Making healthy choices, body and mind. New Year hasn't come yet, but that's no reason to sit around waiting for the miracle to happen.
Talked to the dean today. She said she'll see what she can do about financing my trip to the forum; said she'll get to it next week. Can't wait.
Had a nice time with a girl from the French division and a British exchange student. Didn't plan to: the opportunity just turned up, and I thought I didn't have any classes for the time, so I asked if I can join them, without thinking about it. Thinking would've killed it, now that I think of it. Been the finer version of myself during the time; fairly outgoing, too. It took some energy but was well worth it. Turned out that conversations on a single topic are difficult to hold up even among three people.
Been revisiting previous relationships in my head, learning from past mistakes without keeping blaming myself for them. Self-acceptance and being honest with myself has gotten me places; accepting the way I am has relieved me of worrying about what others might think of me. By accepting myself, oddly enough, I seem to have come to accept others, too, and not asking a lot from a relationship made those relationships lose the anxiety and frustration that I've so often attached to them alongside high expectations. People in my life have left plenty of mental treasure to recover, and following the leads is both exciting and leading to self-improvement. Learning a lot about what I want, about boundries that shouldn't be crossed and about what it takes to establish trust between people; time is one of the main components, others things being positive, and in the past I lacked patience necessary for the trust to be built.
Been thinking about my relationship with my groupmates, too. They were fun to return to at the beginning of the year, back when we were eager to spend time together again, but now I see that I barely have anything in common with most of them. By now they came to resent me again, not in the least part because I've been a jerk due to personal problems spilling over; I guess I still have higher expectations of them than I should for my own good, and that led to tension. It dawned upon me, however, that, as unpleasant as it may be, it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I realized that if I can't lead the group into a better place, I can frustrate them into it, instead. The idea that I can be the common enemy they'd team up against has been a relief. If they'd want to do better just to spite me, I'm okay with taking the flak.
I miss my hometown. No person or thing about it, but the feeling that I've always had when walking through it. It brings me a peace of mind no other place did, so far. Going back would mean staying at my family's apartment, and I don't like the idea quite a bit, but I'd like to go back for a few days still.
Been tired the last couple of days, in a good way. Working through the tiredness makes me feel badass.