The day after my last post my dad had me arrested for trespassing. I was going to kill myself that night so I did some property damage first. I spray painted the windshield of my dad's Camaro, melted his Trump yard sign with a propane torch and punched a hole in the garage drywall. I was drunk but also off my meds for a week so that probably had more to do with it than the alcohol. Or at least a very bad combination of the two. When the officer came to arrest me I told her I'd been off my meds so she took me to the hospital. The doctor at the hospital wouldn't agree to put me in a psych unit. That's what I get for training myself to lie about being suicidal.
At County they put you in holding for like three days. When they went to put me in population they asked me some general psychological questions like if I was on meds or had a history of suicide attempts. I answered honestly yes to both so they put me on suicide watch which is a lot like being in the hole except they let you out of the hole twice a day and you can wear clothes. On suicide watch you wear a velcro strapped dress the inmates call a turtle suit so you can't hang yourself with your pants. Even though you're in a glass box with a camera on you.
After two days in there they transferred me to the psych ward. You get your clothes back and can read but still aren't allowed out of the cell. Solitary is basically torture and suicide watch is basically solitary so I'm pretty freaked out at this point. I don't have anyone to bond me out and one of my roommates in suicide watch had me scared that I could spend a year in County for a misdemeanor. Which is true if you go to trial but I didn’t know that. As soon as I meet my lawyer I tell him I want to go to rehab. Two days later I have my trial. I've calmed down a bit since I got some sleep and was almost treated like a human for a little while. I'm hoping I can get out and negotiate which rehab I go into since the one my step dad wants is a six month AA work camp that's not equipped to deal with people on psych meds. After 13 years on the fucking pills suddenly everyone in my family is a doctor and doesn't think I need them. I can take some there but not others. When I raised that red flag I was accused of making excuses but whatever. My lawyer got me a 12 month suspended sentence if I go to this rehab. If I just plead guilty I would have been out on time served after a week.
They released me this morning and I kinda wandered around. I thought they were going to release me to my dad since he's taking me there. It's three hours from the jail. They cut me loose at 5am and I was pretty calm for a while. I thought I was going to have a panic attack but my dad found me and I've calmed down a little since I've been in the car. But I still haven't had my meds in almost three weeks and I feel like shit regardless of acute anxiety. So yeah, I'm a mess.
Thanks to everyone for being so supportive in the last thread. I'll be around for another couple hours or so. After that I'll be in the middle of nowhere waiting to bale hay or some shit.