Looks like I'm at the end of a series of very bad decisions. My step dad was trying to take me to rehab today and I refused so he was going to take me to a homeless shelter. I jumped out of the car when I got the chance and walked to my real dad's house. He kinda hates me and I'm waiting to see what he's going to do. He says he's taking me to rehab but I don't see how that's going to happen. My mom isn't talking to me. I was on her cell plan and she turned my line off. I'm on wifi for a little longer. I want help. I was going to go to an outpatient program that would deal with my addiction and mental health issues but I kept getting thrown in the hospital for being drunk. No one trusts me to drive myself to outpatient so they were going to put me in an AA based rehab that was trying to dictate what medicine I can take for my schizoaffective disorder which is why I refused to go. Also other reasons. I don't know what's going to happen next but I don't think I'm going to be around for a while if I come back at all. I love you guys. I don't have any friends so you're kind of like the friends I wish I had in real life. I probably sound unreasonable for refusing help. I want help, I'm just not willing to give up my freedom for it when there are other options. No one trusts me to do those other things anymore and I can't blame them really. I wish I had one more chance because I know I could do it this time. Bye hubski. I'll let you know if anything changes.
I don't know what to tell you Taco that you don't already know. Obviously the months (years?) leading up to this moment have been a rollercoaster. Perhaps, like me many times past and present, you're thinking that you've just had a stroke of bad luck lately and if people would just fuck off and give you some space to get your collective shit together everything will go back to normal. It won't. I think we both know that. The only question you need to ask yourself is how far down the rabbit hole you're willing to go? Do you have any criminal charges pending? Probation? Before you make any harsh decisions about rehab realize they WILL make those for you eventually. You'd be better off just letting go and letting God as the AA nuts are wont to say. It'll go a lot harder for you if you don't, believe me. Don't even think about driving anywhere far right now. If you plan on sleeping in your car don't you dare keep any shit in it. They will find you, and your family, love notwithstanding, WILL let you rot in jail. Have you ever been homeless? I spent about half a year in my car and IT SUCKED. Worst months of my life. Spent a week truly roughing it when a cop dropped me at the doors of a state facility and didn't bother to check me in himself. I learned a lot about myself and the world around us that week, none of it inspiring. That is a dark road man, and it's getting colder outside. That's what stuck with me the most: the cold. Rehab SUCKS. I've been to the best and the worst and they're all fucking miserable. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE. You will meet some truly sad and crazy individuals there. You will be sick. Hopefully they'll give you some decent meds and you'll hit the pink cloud within the week. By the month's end you'll be more than ready to get the fuck out of there. You'll think that was a one time thing and you've got your addiction under control now. You will be wrong. You've still got family that cares about your welfare. That's a plus for sure. No matter how much you may hate them or how much you think they hate you, you've got people and that's most important. What you decide now will determine how many of those loved ones will remain once the dust settles. You're one of us now. It's a big club. You're not special. Left unchecked you will die a lonely, excruciating death. AA is mostly bullshit. It's bullshit you would be wise to suffer through at least a couple months. There's no going back. You will have this disease the rest of your life. Like I said: HOW FAR DOWN ARE YOU WILLING TO GO? I'll be thirty next year. My addictions have cost me half my family, several relationships, over a year in county, half a dozen hospital visits... my sanity. Yet, even with all that misery, I still go back. She welcomes me with open arms every time. One day I fear she'll never let go. Get your shit together man. I'll keep you close to heart. Take your medicine and come back to us stronger and wiser.
This kind of blows my mind. Like, I'm not surprised, it just goes against all I know about healing - But I know why, too. At a certain level (some more conscious than others), people believe addicts deserve to suffer. Even the people working in those facilities - Sometimes especially those people. But it's so wrong. we know a lot more about addiction now, family history, environmental factors, psychological factors - It's not just a "this is this person's own fault". And even if it was, so what? Some idiot breaks their leg doing something stupid, we don't fucking poke at it, or leave their food out of reach so that they have to shuffle over to it. anyways, that was just what came to mind as I was reading your message.Rehab SUCKS. I've been to the best and the worst and they're all fucking miserable. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
I know people who have worked at rehabs; I shot a pilot at a rehab. There's a surprising number of employees that were, at one point, patients. Reading the above you can grasp why; reading the above you can appreciate their utility. It gives them a useful well of empathy from which to draw. It's a difficult dichotomy, though. Part of the 12-step mantra is that you, as an individual, are powerless. Part of the solution is that you, as an individual, need to reclaim some power. This results in a philosophy where the good things that happen to you are because of fate but the bad things that happen to you are due to your fucking up. Recovered addicts end up with a refined appreciation for addiction. They can also end up with an impressive self-loathing streak. You have never met a fat-hater quite like a formerly-fat person... and you have never met a bigot quite like a closet homosexual. "There but for the grace of God go I."
Gonna miss you Chris, best of luck and kick some personal crisis ass. As far as being free goes, my college tells me what to wear every day and the next time I have permission to leave campus is late November, only if my lowest grade is a C. I still love it and am pretty damn thankful.
I'm still here. I didn't want to check the replies here for a long time because I thought they'd be excoriating. This is the best community on the Internet. Even _refugee_ who I blocked a long time ago. No, cgod, I'm not free in a philosophical sense but I need to be free in a literal sense to make mistakes or drink coffee on my own schedule. I'll keep you updated as I can. You're a beautiful bunch of people and I love you
good luck, friend. try not to become a statistic, and I'll try to do the same.
We'll be here for you whenever you get back. Best of luck, taco.
I read this a day late. I don't have advice to add beyond what others have given here. I did take an uncle one night to the hospital when I was young, and told him that he had to check himself in. We went home after a very long talk in the parking lot. He didn't get clean then, but he did sometime after that. I just had dinner with him last night. There has been a lot of pain in his life, and he is not on good terms with most of the family, but I love him, and we are family, and he is alive and we talk and laugh together. You are going to pick your path. It seems to be that's what it comes down to. I could see that my uncle was going to pick his, so I felt that the best I could do was to let him know that he mattered to me. Yes, this is the internet, but you are one of us in this small corner of it. We will be here, and we are glad when you are too.
I wish you only the best, Chris. Strength. Remember who you were yesterday. Remember who you were six months ago. Remember who you were a year ago. Five years ago. Ten years. Who you are right now is the result of that past. Who you will be tomorrow is a result of the decisions you make today. Every day you get to make that decision for yourself. "Who am I going to be today?" You could be incarcerated in a North Korean prison, sitting on a beach in Tahiti, or riding in the back seat of a Land Rover driving across the Serengeti. But you still get to make that decision, "Who am I going to be today?" Your past is all up in your face right now, and it can be hard to see around it. But you get to decide who you are going to be, how you are going to engage with the world, what you are going to let go and what you are going to cherish, and you get to make that decision every single day. At some point you will find power there. You will find possibility and open doors and a future. I hope that day comes soon for you, my friend. Be well.
Dunno if you are going to get this or not, but... Shit like this is temporary man. Get your head fixed, the rest will fall into place. May not seem like it, but time is long and bullshit ain't. Someone out there where you are is going to offer to help fix you, listen to them. Be well, man.
So, I don't have any real good, concrete advice bro. I don't know your situation all that well, what you want, what you need, how you can be best helped. But I can tell you three things I've learned in life. 1) When you're in the thick of things, the whole world seems to be there to overwhelm you and that can be terrifying. Try to stay calm and level headed. The calmer you are, the better decisions you can make. 2) Get some sleep. When you're tired, the stress and emotions you're feeling are amplified, making everything seem worse than it is. If you can, convince one of your parents to let you sleep through the night with them and then see if you guys can't talk things through in the morning when you feel better. 3) You are stronger than you think you are and it's okay to ask others to help you bring that out. Sometimes the difference between doing 5 pushups and 30 is just having someone standing next to you saying "You can do this. Show the world what you got." If your parents or these rehab centers can be that to you, consider their help. So come on, tacocat, you can do this. Show the world what you got.
As long as you do not have intent to hurt someone, you're alright imo. Sometimes you gotta hammer down with your plan. I know I did, and lost almost all of my old 'friends' in the process. I know it's a big cliché, but some people don't have any better option - - They have to be the change they want to see the world.