I lack the plumbing to comment on feminism in anything but the abstract, but I don't think women or men can ever "settle" on a semi-permanent or even semi-comfortable position on "this stuff". Straight women will have sexual reasons to wish to please men. Straight men will have sexual reasons to desire subservience from women. Gender roles are fluid and perpetually evolving but there are baseline positions favored by anatomy and genetics above and beyond the mores of tradition and societal expectation. So it comes down to intent - are you doing it to please him? Do you want to please him? Does that empower you? Or does that enslave you? If society tells you it's empowering, is it? Or are you now being victimized by society?
It comes down to intent, and whether the society around you finds that intent to be positive or negative. And as society's role in intent is the primary battleground of the culture wars, women will never be allowed to state their intentions unassailed. I mean, no less than Betty Friedan held that Helen Gurley Brown wasn't a feminist yet somehow no one ever said shit about Anna Wintour.
The interplay between sexes will never not be adversarial. Some people will always play dirty. I do not think women will ever fight from a place of advantage equal to men's; child-rearing will always be female-driven which will always give men more time and energy for domineering. As such, I think the best men can do is be patient, understanding and appreciative of the fact that "feminism" is whatever she wants it to be, not me and recognize that the debate will never be settled.