Today I did something good for myself, and I'm not sure if I want to celebrate it.
I had an academic debt of four lecture outlines towards Linguistics - that is, I had a list of questions I had to write a concise text on. Nothing pressing, but I didn't want to lag behind. I dreaded writing this stuff because it seemed insurmountable when I first looked at the questions. The next Linguistics lecture is tomorrow, and the tutor's bound to ask me to show the outlines to make sure I'm not slacking off.
Today, I decided to take the whole day off - missing nothing significant - to write the outlines. Coffee and dedication helped in crunching what turned out to be fairly measly topics in a few hours, and I feel really good about doing it all in one sitting. I don't usually sit down with this kind of dedicated work, which is a shame because I like getting things done (I now understand).
I feel like it calls for a small celebration - a piece of cake and some good juice, something like that. In the shop, I bought some additional stuff, including a piece of a cake I've never seen before (but it has bananas in it, and I'm always game for bananas), without justifying it with the little victory.
Now, the cake sits in the fridge, and I'm not sure if I want to eat it because I don't feel like celebrating.
Let me reiterate: I don't do such dedication in work often, but when I do, I always feel proud and elated about it, and I feel good about myself. Yet, I don't want to celebrate what's clearly a small victory for me.
I don't know if I should, and if celebrating would be good for me, I'm not sure how do go best about it. Maybe it's me feeling like I don't deserve the carrot despite my efforts; maybe it's something else. I don't want to stress about it, but it feels important enough to ask advice over.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. You did a good thing and should reward yourself for that! You are absolutely worthy and deserving of celebrating the good things you do. Plus - you already bought the cake, why not treat yourself if it's just going to sit in the fridge?
Always celebrate. For big things. For little things. For being alive. I read a Martha Beck article where she likens humans to animals. You can teach an animal to do a lot of things with rewards. People are like that. People perform better and over a longer period of time when they're rewarded. Keep the reward within budget and without overindulging so that rewards can be more frequent. She suggests rewards very frequently and this will probably get resistance, but without having to deserve it always. I vaguely remember you talking about guilt driving you (was that you?). If so, could this be another area where it might be about that?
I'm having troubles with the concept of undeserved rewards. I feel like good things have to be deserved, and even though it feels to me that treating oneself and others well regardless of circumstances is an honorable and compassionate goal, I can't find it in myself to strive for it. On some level, it doesn't make sense to me - probably, like I said, because I don't feel like I deserve good things. It may very well be, though not conscious. I've been inducted into thinking that I'm not good enough from the youngest of ages, and it's a deeply-sitted problem for me now. It's... something I struggle with daily, in smallest and biggest things both.Always celebrate. For big things. For little things. For being alive.
I vaguely remember you talking about guilt driving you (was that you?). If so, could this be another area where it might be about that?
I completely understand. It is why I'm urging you to celebrate more. I have the same trouble with allowing myself to celebrate. Every goal met is only rewarded with a bigger and higher goal. Having done this for many years, I found myself feeling like the whole thing was pointless. Working hard to get more work felt like an endless cycle. There was no joy in the process. Sometimes there were external rewards, but when those were absent, it all just felt like an uphill climb. It got to a point where the desire to celebrate even left. I wish that I had gotten into the habit of celebrating and treated it with more importance. I hope for you that you don't get to that place. Celebrate that you feel like celebrating. I hope you enjoyed the cake.I'm having troubles with the concept of undeserved rewards. I feel like good things have to be deserved, and even though it feels to me that treating oneself and others well regardless of circumstances is an honorable and compassionate goal, I can't find it in myself to strive for it. On some level, it doesn't make sense to me - probably, like I said, because I don't feel like I deserve good things.