I really enjoyed this part. Everybody has a story to tell that you can learn from. In conversation I avoid asking people what their job is or, if in school, what their major is. It's much more interesting to ask how they enjoy spending their time. If those two overlap, that's fine but I want to hear people gush about their passions, it's far more interesting.People silently struggle from all kinds of terrible things. They suffer from depression, ambition, substance abuse, and pretension. They suffer from family tragedy, Ivy-League educations, and self-loathing. They suffer from failing marriages, physical pain, and publishing. The good thing about politeness is that you can treat these people exactly the same. And then wait to see what happens. You don’t have to have an opinion. You don’t need to make a judgment. I know that doesn’t sound like liberation, because we live and work in an opinion-based economy. But it is. Not having an opinion means not having an obligation. And not being obligated is one of the sweetest of life’s riches.
Politeness has a big limitation, and that is that it cedes the world to jerkoffs. I have politeness as my default, but I also fail to bite my tongue when confronted with an asshole with extreme regularity. Probably that makes some people think that I'm boorish or a jerk myself. I don't so much care. When I was young I always kept my mouth shut. As I've aged, I've come to the conclusion that the more we keep our mouths shut, the more loud mouths get to control the dialog, no matter what their opinion. I think less politeness might actually make the world function a lot better.
Yeah, I have that sometimes. It feels sociopathic, almost, but even if someone really rubs me the wrong way on a first impression, there's no reason to escalate unfriendliness. Just stay courteous, and don't burn a bridge. And I genuinely do care for each individual, as a fellow person, but all too often I find myself hating people. Reconciling these two inclinations in an optimistic way has been challenging, I'm nowhere near finished. It should be simple, right? I don't always practice what I preach, so that's some work to do, too.Sometimes I’ll get a call or email from someone five years after the last contact and I’ll think, oh right, I hated that person. But they would never have known, of course. Let’s see if I still hate them. Very often I find that I don’t. Or that I hated them for a dumb reason. Or that they were having a bad day. Or much more likely, that I had been having a bad day.
So funny you said that. I was engaged in a minor internet feud with someone about 3 years ago and he is a popular figure. He was generous enough to PM me recently and we discovered that we were both wrong about the reasons we hated each other. Turns out I respect him and we like each other. <insert ASCII shrug>
At first I was expecting to read a piece from some one who is sincerely, genuinely polite—as in someone who genuinely thinks that your job is hard, or that helping celebrities wear jewelry is interesting, or that they hold a conversation simply like to without any underlying game of Raconteur as their motive. After reading through the article I started to get the sense that rather what the author puts forth is a farce. But then, that's sort of what politeness is, right? The fact that you can get something so positive out something rather disingenuous is really intriguing.
i have been a really polite person, but yes that means smiling and laughing if pepole treat you like shit, which is lying. I have been polite until the age of 12, but as I encountered it people get it wrong all the time, mistaking your politness as invitation for harming you. Eventually I stopped, became the opposite. I've walked up to people to tell them I don't like them. this article motivates me to reintroduce a little fake politness. it certainly has its upps
Didn't he address that though?There is one other aspect of my politeness that I am reluctant to mention. But I will. I am often consumed with a sense of overwhelming love and empathy. I look at the other person and am overwhelmed with joy. For all of my irony I really do want to know about the process of hanging jewelry from celebrities. What does the jewelry feel like in your hand? What do the celebrities feel like in your hand? Which one is more smooth?
This reminds me of a story I heard about how a pregnant woman kept getting others inappropriately touching her belly without asking first. This woman would go ahead and cup those individuals face in return, saying something along the lines of, "how sweet are you." Most found it creepy and if they caused a stink she'd respond by telling them that they were invading her space so she thought they had no concept of space. It worked really well for her. I might do it one day if I am ever pregnant.
The phrase "voted “most scholarly” of my class, roughly equivalent to “least likely to have sex” was classic. Never touch someone you do not know and always ask them about themselves is a great tip for solid social interaction. The first words I learn in any foreign country I travel to are please and thank you. And I use them generously. It's not hard to be polite and people appreciate the effort even if the follow up is not the best.
I try to. For example pointing with the index finger is considered very rude in some places. I do my research but I am sure I screw up all the time. My favorite example of screwing up is when I went to France as a teenager. Several times when heading to the train station and getting lost I would ask people where the train station was by saying "Ou est la gare". (Where is the train station. Pronounced Gar) No one said anything the first several times but it turned out with my pronunciation I was actually asking "Where is the war?" (Pronounced Guerre).
I don't know about that in terms of day-to-day interactions, but I know that in service industries, U.S. politeness seems quite rude to Australians, while our version would be equally rude to them. It took me a long time to realise that U.S. customers weren't EXACTLY being rude to me, they were simply interacting in the way that they're accustomed to. They must have found me equally offensive. We try to be polite through relationship-building (chatter, making jokes, even teasing!). If one wants to be rude, it's done through distancing oneself ("You are not worth my attention as a person") even if the language forms used are perfectly courteous. To other nations, us being polite can appear pushy and extremely rude, assuming a relationship where there is no reason for one to exist.
This guy seems a little obsessive but the entire article is so valid it hurts.
This is the first post I am reading on this website and it is quite insightful. Fantastic read.
Amazing article. I'll try to monitor my own behavior and make it match more closely that, see what gives.