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comment by Imarreteet23
Imarreteet23  ·  1825 days ago  ·  link  ·    ·  parent  ·  post: The Accountant & The Universe

Hey! No one else has commented on this, so I'd just like to say: this is pretty great! I think it's a pretty interesting choice that you made with this to only break lines when you wanted to emphasize a particular word. I like that. It's something that I haven't quite seen before.

I also like how you describe the woman as "a piece of the universe embedded in a single host." That's one of those phrases that I wish I had come up. I might have to steal it, if you don't mind. ;)

I think my one complaint about it would be that sometimes, in an attempt to describe something banal in a unique way, you kind of end up being a bit too wordy. A good example is when you describe food as "nutritious substances." It's just a bit too much, you know?

But please don't take the criticism too seriously. I really love this poem, on the whole. Thanks for sharing. :)

grizzly  ·  1825 days ago  ·  link  ·  

I appreciate your feedback! I do agree with you and understand where you're coming from regarding getting a bit wordy by over describing simple things. My intention was to do just that because the idea here is nothing is as simple as it seems. But then again, if I am not careful enough, it will sort of disrupt the flow of the poem which is what happened for you.

I welcome all criticism, so do not worry at all. The only way we get better is if we listen to what others say rather than getting defensive. Again, thank you for the feedback and I am glad you enjoyed the poem!