The Accountant & The Universe

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grizzly · 3211 days ago

Every day near noon, a piece of the universe embedded into a single host of bones and veins and flesh

    struts

through the space in which a handful of hosts inhabit. It’s as if the rest of the universe and its

    fundamental

purposes are blurred—I’ve become nearsighted! Yet this piece, this beautiful woman, is as clear as a

    lamination

sheet. I have yet to present myself, but this cubicle confines me. I’m just a cell in this colossal architectural structure of an atom made of stones and steel. Yet she sits freely outside, consuming nutritious

    substances.

These constraints have bruised my wrists and ankles for too long now. It’s all you’ll ever have. No. It’s all I’ve ever had. I scattered my desk and untied my tie. I grabbed my coat and yelled, “This is not how I’ll die!” I made my way out and stumbled with shy, weak knees. “May I say you are just beautiful?”

She

paused for a moment. It was the longest pause I’ve ever endured with such suspenseful agony. “I’m

    married,”

she said. “But you have no ring!” I exclaimed. She pulled a napkin and wiped the grease off her fingertips then reached for her pocket. “I didn’t want to get it dirty,” she said as she walked away. And that’s

all

I’ll ever get.

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DaedalusInSicily · 3210 days ago · link ·

I am not sure why but I get this The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock-ish feeling while reading your poem (it's got to be cause I am reading your poem and Eliot's side by side). I absolutely love it. There isn't anything verbose about it, IMHO. Would definitely love to read some more of your writings. Keep up the good work!

+discuss+discuss

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grizzly · 3209 days ago · link ·

I can definitely see how you get that feeling. I had not noticed the similarity in styles until now--pretty sweet. But thank you very much! I look forward to posting more poems.

+discuss+discuss

Imarreteet23 · 3211 days ago · link ·

Hey! No one else has commented on this, so I'd just like to say: this is pretty great! I think it's a pretty interesting choice that you made with this to only break lines when you wanted to emphasize a particular word. I like that. It's something that I haven't quite seen before.

I also like how you describe the woman as "a piece of the universe embedded in a single host." That's one of those phrases that I wish I had come up. I might have to steal it, if you don't mind. ;)

I think my one complaint about it would be that sometimes, in an attempt to describe something banal in a unique way, you kind of end up being a bit too wordy. A good example is when you describe food as "nutritious substances." It's just a bit too much, you know?

But please don't take the criticism too seriously. I really love this poem, on the whole. Thanks for sharing. :)

+discuss+discuss

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grizzly · 3210 days ago · link ·

I appreciate your feedback! I do agree with you and understand where you're coming from regarding getting a bit wordy by over describing simple things. My intention was to do just that because the idea here is nothing is as simple as it seems. But then again, if I am not careful enough, it will sort of disrupt the flow of the poem which is what happened for you.

I welcome all criticism, so do not worry at all. The only way we get better is if we listen to what others say rather than getting defensive. Again, thank you for the feedback and I am glad you enjoyed the poem!