I'm cyclothymic, and some of the things Amy says sounds things I'd say when Hypomanic. So I kind of don't like it because it feels like it is fetishistic destructive behaviors I could see myself partake in. (I have seen a therapist about it, she thought I was bipolar until she realized that my weird going from being extremely happy to extremely apathetic doesn't affect my life negatively.) Although I'm so socially awkward that the worst I get is just staying up all night and thinking which is hardly healthy ( I haven't slept more than a couple of hours here and there that feel more like blacking out) but it's manageable. Okay, that kind of turned into over sharing but whatever.
What are appropriate interpersonal boundaries when it comes to communication and relationships? This would be a great askhubski. Many angles and many opinions. For instance I have been becoming friends with a really great woman recently. I say "becoming" because we both can be a little reserved and don't like to talk about details of personal life stories with people until after we have begun to know them. It has been interesting to watch how our boundaries have begun to drop between each other. Two weeks ago we commiserated about our unhappy familial relationships, for instance, something which two months ago I think we would have decided to keep to ourselves a little bit more. I recently found myself telling her something that, as I said it, I thought, "are we at that point in our friendship that I am comfortable divulging this?" I glossed over the details and she didn't focus on the vulnerability I'd exposed (nor seemed to judge me for it). It is interesting to experience the comfort zone progression.
What would you want to know about a person you are considering for friendship (romantic or otherwise): It takes a long time for the whole story to emerge unless you are writing a biography of the person or asking targeted questions. Of course, some information may seem more "intimate" or "personal" than other information. Get it all down - before the memory goes.What are appropriate interpersonal boundaries when it comes to communication and relationships?
It's too idiosyncratic a question. Every relationship is different. Make the question more specific, like this:
I met some new people new year's eve. The topic of past lives came up -- not in the reincarnated sense. This question was asked: Have you had a previous time in your life that was VASTLY different from your current life. Everybody said yes. They asked me that question and I mentioned that I had had a brief career as an aerial photographer (long ago, in a province far away). Another fellow had been in the military. There were others with wildly diverging previous lives. 1. Jail terms?
2. Awards and recognitions?
3. Nude photos on line?
4. Psychiatric interventions?
5. Past addictions?
6. Debts?
7. Lineage?
8. Previous Addresses?
9. Surgery?
A couple of thoughts: That's a nice list you put together, and as you said it would take a while to parse through all of that information. It ends up with one having to prioritize what is important to know and what you would be fine with learning down the road. For me, the questions are what are things that would prevent us from having a stable relationship (friendship or intimate)? Which could come from any number of things. Of course, some of the questions that you have listed could be readily available online but that is a whole other issue and can of worms.It takes a long time for the whole story to emerge unless you are writing a biography of the person or asking targeted questions.
A person should be an open book, at least in my world. I may not be interested in reading every chapter, but I'd like to know that the information is not hidden, should I want it. You can be a perfectly acceptable parent or spouse, but after you die some carefully hidden secrets come out and cause havoc in the surviving family. Two recent stories: A friend of mine married into what he thought was a wonderful and close family all living on a large family compound. He embraced his new family. Then the father-in-law died and everyone discovered that the father-in-law had run up huge debts and had mortgaged the farm where the extended family were living. Creditors were coming out of the woodwork, and my friend, who had other goals and plans suddenly had to save his wife, kids, her mother, her uncle, and her grandmother from eviction. Another friend's father died when he was around 28 and he then discovered that his father had a whole family, siblings, an ex-wife, kids in the US.Of course, some of the questions that you have listed could be readily available online but that is a whole other issue and can of worms.
One's online identity can be fictional. I've noticed some people I meet have convinced themselves of a version of their lives which is not independently verifiable. We prefer to create a story in which we are the hero or at least our failings are someone else's fault (my parents were mean, my business partner cheated me, my mother's second husband stole my inheritance, etc.).
What makes somebody an open book? Is it more being forthcoming with information unprovoked as a source of conversation, enlightenment, etc. or being forthcoming with information when asked directly or tangentially? Is it possible to be an open book and still have unexplored corners of information?
I should circumscribe my comment above a bit by saying a person should be an open book if he or she is about to embark on an intimate relationship with me...at least that's my preference.
But it is not necessary to be open with everyone. Some people can ask questions that are mean or manipulative. Some people I wouldn't want to be open with -- but I would like to feel that I could tell you anything if it came up and you could tell me anything -- that you would hear what I say in the sense that it is intended, that you would be sympathetic, not judgemental. That you would not see my information as a threat to you. It's ridiculous talking in generalities like this -- I am thinking of specific people and specific situations. I had a date with a man who seemed to have a lot of keys. When I asked him what they were keys to, he wouldn't tell me. This is the same man who said to me, "I want to see you, even if it has to be through bullet-proof glass." But I digress. People have secrets, often interesting secrets, often shameful secrets. The secrets might be none of our business, no matter how close we are. I wrote a blog on the question, "Are you an open book?" The blog is about a good friend and a mentor. A wonderful person. But not an open book. Finally, I must stress that no matter how open, self-disclosing, and honest people are, there is an essential core of mystery in an interesting person that we can approach, but perhaps never know. At the end of the filme My Dinner with André, André says this: What makes somebody an open book?
I suspect it's just a feeling you have with someone. As for your last question, I suspect the answer is yes, absolutely."But have a real relationship with a person that goes on for years—well, that's completely unpredictable. Then, you've cut off all your ties to the land, and you're sailing into the unknown, into uncharted seas."