Things only make sense when we look back and can trace all the steps. This world structure that we adhere to is unnatural and has developed into an unnatural atmosphere of always having to be "on" and ready and making the right moves to your goals. We're monkeys. Things don't really make clear sense and it's all in our heads in the end so what's the truth? I don't know. A few months before graduation I accepted that I choosing the path of least resistance and had been for even just going to college in the first place.. But even choosing not to pursue journalism and play rock'nroll was just the first step of many (see, hindsight) to realize that I had been trying to deceive myself for a long time and take the easy way. Like I didn't deserve the chance to even try. And still I feel like a scam artist "A man is whatever room he's in." I've really struggled lately with the truth of this.
I completely agree with what you're saying about world structure and having to look back. Being able to contextual decisions and thought processes is important, and Cumol brings up that there is no prior experience to use at this point in life.
And even when you have "experience" you still are just guessing based on past results. My point is that we kinda delude ourselves into thinking there are right and wrong steps but again we can only contextualize when we look back (though it's been essential to our survival). There is only this moment. The present. Everything else is out the window. There are only brief instances where I'm able to really let that sink in before the brain starts whirring up again. But we're working with a computer 10,000 years since the last patch and throwing all these new abstract rules that we assimilate into our "survival' instincts (if that makes any sense). You kinda have to reprogram yourself as you get older. Clear out the negative feedback loops that your brain thinks is keeping you safe from additional harm. Therapy is probably essential to this and after reading your post and the responses I think it's time I look into it myself. So thanks.