First of all, I'm glad you shared this BE, you are among friends. Also, what you are going through sounds very familiar and is something that I think many of us go through, though I know that doesn't make it any easier on you. You write a lot about not liking yourself. I've certainly gone through this and what I've found, after years of self reflection is that I tend to think negative things about myself. They are like memes that continuously surface in my internal dialog. Things like, your not smart enough, good enough, good looking enough etc. These types of "thoughts" occurred often and they still do to an extent. What I would like to suggest to you is this: Mindfulness. Practice recognizing when these thoughts about "not liking yourself" occur. Then, when you can recognize that these thoughts are occurring "watch them." Realize that these "thoughts" are not YOU. Watch your internal dialog and recognize that it does not define you. When you recognize those negative self thoughts cropping up, think of something safe, something positive. You are a smart, funny, creative person and all of those qualities are you. Think of that. Also, I've not gotten better at these things on my own, I have had help over the years. I highly recommend to anyone that if they have the ability to seek out therapy, coaching, mentorship etc... do so. kleinbl00 recently recommended to someone on here to seek professional counseling stating that since they're in college they have better and more affordable access to such healthcare than they ever will after college. -Take advantage of this. DO IT. I've had times in my life, recently, when I couldn't breathe and I felt like there wasn't enough air in the room etc. It's a horrible feeling. I sought out help and I'm so glad I did. Don't carry this weight alone. Feel free to PM if you ever need advice or someone to bounce thoughts ideas off of. You're not alone. Oh, also I should mention that your "age" was the most difficult for me in my life for a number of reasons. -I think it is for many young men (and perhaps women). It really does get better. All my best!
So far I've only shared these things in-depth with two close friends who I know won't just tell me what I want to hear, and the people on this website. Mostly because I've been here for a while now and trust all of your input and life experiences. They're always worst at night, I can tell you that much. Once 9 or 10pm roll around that's usually when things take a downhill turn. That, or if I'm around a big group of people for an extended period of time during the day or spending too much time working on homework. There are a lot of other triggers, but I think those are the main ones. Sometimes I remember to try thinking positive but it usually gets overrun by the negative thoughts, or I'll find ways to excuse the good thoughts as defense mechanisms or silly things like that. I do remember kb talking about that. We have a counseling center here, but the way it works makes me nervous. Over the past year it changed from being almost entirely one on one counseling/therapy to the following: You call in to schedule an appointment and end up talking to one of the professionals who acts as an intake person, asks you some questions and then "recommends" either one on one sessions or group therapy. Here's the problem: the "recommendation" is your only option. If you get group therapy and want to do a one on one session your only option is to go elsewhere. If I tried to get help and that happened to me I would not be in a good state because I do not want to be in a group setting for something like this, at all. And to be told I can't get the help I want for whatever reason is a very scary and real possibility that has prevented me from even attempting it. I'm not sure if it's so much as that or more that I want to be alone when I get down and in these states. Being around people is the last thing I want, it serves to further the negative thoughts and drive me up the wall. I'm really good at wallowing and going down a hole - my ex at one point said she thought I enjoyed being sad and unreasonable at one point. Needless to say that didn't go over well... It's funny because there have been a lot of people saying that this age is the best age of our lives, and I'm not sure how much I believe it. I'm not sure how much I believe anything though. Looking forward to reading through your AskHubski post.You're not alone.
I know I've mentioned this before on Hubski but I really can't recommend the book The Power of Now highly enough. I was having very similar bouts of negative internal dialog type stuff and it really helped me. If you PM me your address I'll send you a copy. My pleasure.Here's the problem: the "recommendation" is your only option. If you get group therapy and want to do a one on one session your only option is to go elsewhere. If I tried to get help and that happened to me I would not be in a good state because I do not want to be in a group setting for something like this, at all. And to be told I can't get the help I want for whatever reason is a very scary and real possibility that has prevented me from even attempting it.
-Do it and when you go in for the "evaluation," tell them that group sessions aren't an option for you and that you would like to formally request one on one therapy. Say that you want it documented that you made this request. Let them know that the anxiety you are feeling is exacerbated by group settings. That should do the trick I would think. you are not alone
-doens't mean that you have people all around you all the time, it just means that others have travelled a similar path and are there for you should you need them. It's funny because there have been a lot of people saying that this age is the best age of our lives, and I'm not sure how much I believe it
-Don't believe it. It's a bunch of crap. I like where I am in life right now WAY more than when I was in my early 20s. I have way better developed mental/social skills, way more resources and much closer friends. -Some of whom are the same ones from back then, but time definitely enhances friendship. The people that tell you that life is the best in college must not have done much after...
That is a great idea. If I have time tomorrow I'm going to try for it. Hoping to go for a run and I have a co-op reflection meeting in the morning so we'll see. If not then it'll have to wait until Thursday. I'm pretty convinced the reason they operate that way now is because of an increase in people seeking help, while their funding has been stagnant from the University. Not necessarily true. Some of them are my cousins and their fiances/wives/etc. and these people are Doctors, CPAs, Engineers, and so on and so forth who from what I can tell are living great lives. It's weird hearing it from them. The rest are Professors and Administrative peole here. I'll send you a pm sometime tonight!The people that tell you that life is the best in college must not have done much after...
You're a smart and capable person so I don't mean to insult you when I say that most men or women at your stage in life aren't as well adjusted as they will be later in life. You just aren't. I certainly wasn't. I was soooo insecure. Was college fun? Hell yeah, it was. Was it also emotionally trying? -Y-E-S. I recall standing on a cliff at Glacier National Park and thinking, "I can make this all stop and people might think it was an accident." I'm so glad I didn't. It gets better. If you will it, it is no dream. -dude. I'll be on the lookout for that PMNot necessarily true. Some of them are my cousins and their fiances/wives/etc. and these people are Doctors, CPAs, Engineers, and so on and so forth who from what I can tell are living great lives. It's weird hearing it from them. The rest are Professors and Administrative peole here. I'll send you a pm sometime tonight!
I know and interact with a lot of doctors, professionals etc and they're like any other group, some live full lives and others don't. A lot of people over romanticize college life because of the free time they had, the amount of options in front of them etc but they completely and conveniently forget what a ball of nerves they were.