So I posted a lot of things on Facebook and Twitter last night that have concerned a lot of people and I'm going to talk about some things here because I don't know if I could use advice or if I just need space to vent. Feel free to stop reading at any point.
This is how I've felt for the past two weeks. Losing my mind, slowly but surely. There have been multiple days where I've either had a mental breakdown and just given up, sat in bed and just stared at things, or been close. It's weird because I've felt like this before but it's manifesting itself differently this time. As in, there have been periods where I just been very jittery, very on edge, unable to hold my hands out still and jumping at everything. I've been thinking a lot about hurting myself, not necessarily of doing it but what it means to do perform that action. Been thinking about getting older, been thinking about graduating, been thinking about shutting myself out now as opposed to later.
But really I've been trying to figure out if I'm ever happy or if I have periods of good moods where I'm less sad than normal.
As a person I'm incredibly dry, sarcastic, and snarky. It's an ability that I've learned can make a room full of people laugh without being overbearing or an ass about it. But the reason is because I don't like to share things about myself and the less people know about me the less than can hurt me. I shared a benign opinion last night and was completely shot down by two people for it, which just reaffirmed why I do these things (confirmation bias?). If people don't know that I think I hate myself then maybe they won't hate me.
Hating myself? Yeah, probably. Ever since my pop died I've held myself to a high (really high) standard where I'll probably never be good enough for myself. It's a self-destructive behavior but I've got a lot better at some things over the years, and completely burnt out of others because of it...guess that's life. I don't know if that contributes to everything else, but maybe it does. I've just had all these realizations as of late, coupled with a crazy workload, and a desire to graduate so I can just move on with my life and not form all sorts of new connections with people that I'm going to promptly leave in May. It's driving me crazy.
Workload and senior design and organizations I'm involved with and applying to grad schools (oh yeah, I'm applying to grad schools for higher ed as a backup because...) and applying to full time jobs. I've realized if I'm going into engineering there's really only two things I'm interested in: wellness related products (biomedical/biotech related) and anything involving alcohol since I already homebrew and understand distillation processes. Everything else is moot to me and my mindset has changed from the following:
"I want to make the world a better place by creating better products and processes"
"I want to make the world a better place by helping people directly, one person at a time".
This is getting all over the place so here's the summation:
I think my personality is a defense mechanism for the fact that I think I've hated the person I am for years now, because of my standards.
I'm unsure if I've been depressed or if I've been happy anytime recently and I've been on the verge of nervous breakdowns multiple times this past week and have thought about hurting myself.
Graduating is stressing me out because I have two very different, mostly irreconcilable career paths in front of me.
i don't want to get close to people because I'm graduating and going wherever else after this year.
Some people who have reached out over the couple of social medias where I alluded to some of this have surprised me (thenewgreen being one of them), as have been my friends who gave me a massage last night and heard a lot of this out. I'm not one to normally talk about these things but maybe it will help.
P.S: Going to see Modern Baseball, and yeah I picked that song for a reason.
Edit: Oh and I've been thinking a lot about what little family I have left are all growing old and how many of them will be left in ten years and how there's a very real possibility I'll be mostly alone at that point. That's been terrifying me too.
I'm really sorry this is so scatter-brained. I've been having a lot of trouble with clarity lately.
Edit edit: I'm hoping to respond to all of you, it might take a couple days but I will be making the effort. Also hoping to read and contribute to tng's latest AskHubski post at some point. Just got back. Concert was rad. Eating yogurt now. Typing things.