- I got pregnant at 19, one of the biggest literal "mistakes" that can happen, or I suppose "accidents" . I did not keep it and do not regret that decision in any way whatsoever. - Mistake linked to the first, I stayed in the terrible relationship by which I became pregnant for another 6 months off-and-on and allowed that person to continue in my life for a full 2-3 years after that event, despite the fact that our interaction was terrible, enabling, co-dependent, and uneven in that "he lusted after me" sort of way - I got a wedding ring tattoo after three months. No, I didn't get married. Yes, I still have the tattoo. - I slept with a guy two days before his wedding. To someone else, of course. - Mistake linked to the above one: I then stayed in contact with him. - I have also done that whole "shit where you eat"(date/fuck someone you work with) thing. Advice: Don't. Or actually, do it once. Then you will learn why you don't ever want to do it again. I don't ever plan on having kids. But if I did, instead of blanketly telling them things not to do, I'd want to be as open with them as possible about my experiences and why things didn't work out for me. Because I have an incredibly closed and incommunicative relationship with my mother I can see the damage that does when I, or the other kids, need help: the siblings talk to each other but no one ever turns to our parents for help. If I were a parent, I'd be more focused on making sure I felt my kids could talk to me than making sure they were always making "the right" decisions in life. And in line with that, I would say that I view more of these as "learning experiences that have perhaps made my life stressful and uncomfortable at the time, but have made me into the person who I am today, who, while not perfect, is pretty damn fucking successful at what she does and so therefore these experiences have really only served to enrich me as I go through life" than "mistakes." It's funny how I don't really count the classes I failed on this list, but then again, I could probably double it in size if I wanted to. When the past comes up around new people I usually tell them "I have lived a lot" and leave it at that. Sigh. Damn it, Hubski, now you know me so much better. Edit: Brave enough for you, nowaypablo ? ;)
I knew a woman who had seven abortions. Seven. I'm pro-choice and figure that as a man, I'm entitled to my opinion but that's all it is. All the same, seven. Thing was, the world is a happier place with her seven abortions. She was not mom material and whatever special snowflakes she spawned didn't have anything to recommend them over every other unwanted child out there. I never planned on having kids. I was talked into it. You and I could swap stories about parental damage, no doubt. The baby seemed like a thunderously bad idea. She melts my heart every single day. I will screw it up. I worry about it constantly. But I also know my parents never worried about it and, despite their best efforts ("most mommies will tell their five-year-olds that they love them even when they're mad but I'm not like most mommies and if you don't stay out of my way you little brat I will fucking kill you"), I turned out largely okay. Never say never.
Ay, there's the rub. I knew a girl who was adopted and she didn't like abortion because she figured if her biological mother had had one, she wouldn't have ended up in the world. Which is true, yes, albeit true for all of us. I think her angle was that "Kids have a chance, give it to them." But the thing is, there are so many children out there who aren't lucky enough to get adopted, or who get shifted around foster homes, and there are also people out there who adopt children who shouldn't. There are already so many unwanted children who need to be adopted, it doesn't make sense to me to bring one more into the world and just pawn it off on the system and figure that it'll be okay. Not to mention the immense burden that pregnancy is - I for instance found out I was preg in September which meant I'd be popping at exam time, as I was in college, and it was my last year of college (ish - had to take one more class to finish and took a year to do it, so by all appearances I merely graduated on time, said with all appropriate sarcasm) and so that was a giant not happening. Not physically going through that experience, not jeapordizing my exams, not to mean of course the social response which would have been, well, awful. I'm not willing to essentially give up my body for 9 months to have a child I don't want so that hopefully maybe someone decides that they do. Plus, of course, it was a secret from the family: adoption isn't an option if you're not okay with people knowing. We could. They fuck you up, your mom and dad. Yours, I think, are more hair-raising, though. Yeah. I think screwing it up as a parent is inevitable. But what matters are your intentions and whether you also realize when/if you've screwed it up and try to fix it, if you can. Self-analysis. Realize when the relationship isn't working and work to improve it and remember that it's as much you as the child. We never stop being fallible. And turning out largely okay is a good point. I acknowledge my "children" views may change. They're partially tied into dim views on romantic relationships which extends into, you know, my capability to be in a successful one (a matter very debatable at best I feel) as well as just "catching the fish in the sea" part. I think if I ended up in a relationship that seemed like it was going to be life-long or at least extremely significantly long-term I'd be more open to the idea, but I think that is a ways away from me right now. That don't befront me, honestly.the world is a happier place with her seven abortions. She was not mom material and whatever special snowflakes she spawned didn't have anything to recommend them over every other unwanted child out there.
You and I could swap stories about parental damage, no doubt.
I will screw it up. I worry about it constantly. But I also know my parents never worried about it and, despite their best efforts...I turned out largely okay.
Awesome! Conversely, I always knew I wanted to be a father but I still could never have been prepared for how much I am floored by how she "melts my heart every single day." It's remarkable. It's a tremendous responsibility but not in the ways I thought it would be. Do I need to provide for her? Yes, of course. Do I need to change diapers and teach her the alphabet? Yes, all of that too. But the biggest responsibility seems to be an emotional one. She looks to me for guidance as to how to respond to her world. When she's scared she looks to me for comfort. -That's a BIG DEAL. NOT having someone you trust to look to when you are scared leads to disfunction. The responsibility is huge but it's way less to do with groceries and way more to do with psychology imo. I'm glad you are enjoying it. I thought you would.
My lack of children of my own makes me pretty useless to this discussion, but I just wanted to say how touching and thought-provoking threads like this are to read. Loving hubski more every day.
Of all of those "mistakes," the only one I find troubling is the ring tattoo. I mean, what were you thinking?? Other than that, such is life, I think a lot of really great, thoughtful people have early pregnancies and decide to terminate them. These things happen to more people than you'd think. I'm glad you feel okay with all of it, you strike me as someone that is comfortable in their skin (except maybe the skin on your left ring-finger). I'll bring some sand-paper this Friday and we'll see about scrubbing that tattoo off ;-) (edited)
Haha. Now I view it as a reminder that I am not ready to get married (yet). If I do ever wed I plan on somehow changing the tattoo so that the significance also changes. I believe the answer is I was 20 and screwed up on substances and experiences and not thinking very much at all at the time. :) Better now. Even at the time, it was a hard choice but I knew it was the right choice for me to make. I do try to be relatively up front about it. I think brutal honesty somehow and sometimes helps. It is not wise to try to hide from ourselves our own mistakes. Plus it is a subject on which I am very passionate.
I was kidding about the brave thing >.< This is touching and so honest, thank you so much for sharing. I'm not going to judge or give advice because I respect you letting us listen, but know that I appreciate it.
It's okay ;) You have a lot in front of you, young not-named-Pablo. The friends you have in high school often turn out not to be your lifelong friends. Sometimes, they do - but real life tends to start happening to people in college, and by real life I don't mean that what you're doing right now is real - I mean "the unfortunate, shitty stuff." One friend's dad unexpectedly died. I had another friend who got pregnant and dropped out. My brother got kicked out of college two or three times. My grandfather died; another friend had several family members die. Plus relationships start being - well, more real. You have those life experiences that really make you take a stand on things, whereas in high school I mostly had theoretical opinions. "Abortion should be legal, because you should have that choice, but I hope to never have one." (That was me.) Now it's: "Abortion should be legal, because if it wasn't, I'd be in hell." Edit: And those real-life experiences are the ones that tend to schism or draw together groups of people, that's where I was going with that. I mentioned I think my high school friends were scandalized by the abortion...but what were my other options, really? When shit happens you have to deal with it. I am not in any way trying to discount what you are learning now, both in school and socially. There is just a lot ahead of you as well and it doesn't get easier.
Thank you, Jedi refugee, the great underscored one. I know that I dont know everything that you're talking about. Those aren't experiences that are elements of my life up to now. But as painful as they may be ,the character and strength that I will gain is valuable enough for me to be looking forward to it. I'm not saying anyone deserves what you've been through, but you should be proud every moment of every day that you're standing with the strength you have now, after all that. I respect the hardship you've been through, and will keep your story in mind if/when I have hard times of my own :) Jftr, I found out just last year that my mom had an abortion as well, either right after my birth or beforehand. I don't know what to make of it, and I simply trust now that she did what she had do. I can't elaborate too much atm but from what she explained, she was forced into it by my father. They're now divorced, and he lives far far away with another family of his own. Why cant things be simple? xD
That's tough. I run into so many young women who say they never plan on having kids. I run into enough that I wonder what things will look like in 20 years. I completely understand, though to me it's a somewhat unexpected turn of events. I hope contraceptives for men make their way to the market soon. Biologically, it makes sense for us to be in reproductive mode, but at present, it really doesn't make sense for a lot of people. I think that by giving males and females control over their bodies is a positive thing.
I cannot lie and say my experience at 19 is not a part of my decision. Before then I thought I wanted kids. But when I got pregnant I had to face the realities of the situation in a way I'd never had to before and really think about the practicalities. It was very much not going to work for me at the time (I'm sure I would have had to drop out of college and I don't think I would have gone back - I know the stats - , plus I would have been tied to an odious person for the rest of my life, plus poor and poorly placed in society to become less so, plus, plus, plus) and it also made me think about the practicalities and expense of the whole thing in general and it started a long move on my side away from wanting to have kids. I have many other reasons too; I hate hospital and needles (getting my blood drawn makes me pass out, in fact - as do contacts); financially kids are extremely expensive and frankly I'd rather spend the money on myself; I am extremely independent, doubt I'd be able to find a good partner to raise kids with, and doubt I would be able to have kids without ending up resenting them. Of course I do acknowledge that some of this is probably good and healthy at my age and also could potentially change, but frankly, I have no interest in being responsible for a little tiny being. I like kids and sure, I'll babysit. I just don't want one for life. I sometimes have trouble understanding why people have kids. Would it be so bad if our population dipped? I'm not sure, although it would probably have economic ramifications that I'm not capable of realizing.
Well, in some European countries where populations have dipped, there has been an influx of immigrants, particularly from Islamic countries. This has caused some tensions to say the least. I for one, am interested in seeing my line carry on but not just now. Unfortunately, I have been in a position on more than one occasion to state that opinion when it mattered. Fortunately, my then-partners felt the same about their situations in life and so to my knowledge, I am not a father. Kids are crazy expensive. I'm friends with a couple who had their first two kids in Vietnam and they saved a shitload of money. I think they've had one or two more recently, so I guess those savings are out the window. Anyway, the dad, (who is the same age as me) told me that he and his wife wanted kids early so that by the time the kids are out of college, they'll still be relatively young and probably be in a good position to decide what to do with the rest of their lives. Also, so that they'll be able to run around with the kids and be really involved in their lives, which does seem harder at a more advanced age. That makes a lot of sense to me, but one's 20's are a gamble in so many ways. I'm nearing the end of mine and am doing what I can to set myself up for a better life down the line, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't in part because of the life choices of my friends who are not collectively known for making great long-term plans. Having a whole lot of fun and stories to tell? Yeah, but good stories often come at a cost and leave scars. I don't fault people for not wanting kids. In some cases it makes a lot of sense. I'm friends with another couple that race motorcycles and like to party their asses off and go on expensive vacations. They're both more than a bit narcissistic and completely as in love with each other as they are with themselves. They're really great people and caring friends, so I don't mean to give them a bad rap, just saying.
That's a lot to absorb. I'm sorry you had to go through the pregnancy especially. I can't imagine that being anything but a nightmare. It's telling that almost every one's mistakes involve their love lives. Objectively speaking, my biggest mistake is that I quit my white collar job at DaimlerChrysler a couple months before they offered all white collar employees of my rank a $100,000 buyout option. That stung. But we can't look at our lives objectively, can we? If I were to write about my biggest mistakes, it wouldn't come close to the top of the list. Certainly my biggest mistakes are all with women whom I loved and treated poorly for one reason or another (one in particular, but I don't really feel comfortable sharing all the details). It's sad, because life should be so much easier than it is. That is why it's so easy for your friends and family to have very good prescriptive advice in these situations, but also why we can never follow good advice. Reason and logic are meaningless in love (or lust).
It was pretty awful. But it is over and I am at a better point in my life and, you know what, I know myself a lot better partially because of it. I know that when I have to make a tough decision I can and I will make the decision that I think is right for me even if I'm mostly alone. (My family wasn't aware. I think most of my friends were scandalized. Gossip is a thing that happens.) "Life is short and pain is long and we were all put here on this earth to help each other." - Stephen King, Firestarter I think eventually if I don't work at my relationship with my mother, I will consider it a mistake. But my mother is a little bit loopy and it makes things hard. And yes - so very easy to give advice - so very hard to not do what the heart wants. I only hope to learn from every misstep and, Anne of Green Gables, find new ones instead of repeats. (In jest! Ha. As long as my new mistakes are not as big as some of my old ones.)