Following my posting of this blog, I had this e-versation with a friend. Lil: I'm sure it doesn't apply to you. Friend: Well, it actually does as I don't have, and never have had, the faintest idea of how to proceed in the situation described. There are many, many problems. One of which is that I'm incapable of learning through induction so the specific example in your blog entry of people saying things is of no use at all to me. I need a general principle to work deductively down to all possible specific cases from. Lil: But I keep meeting people who DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. Friend: Well, I don't know what to say to that...I'm slowly building a monologue on pencils for your edification and amusement...
I think there's some confusion between shyness and not knowing what to say (or choosing not to engage, for that matter). I'm not shy. However, I'm an introvert, and I often don't feel like talking to people. I especially don't like social situations where I'm around a lot of people whom I don't know (with exceptions being places like conferences, where I know that everybody is gathered around a topic, and it's easy to avoid talking about gas prices or the weather). I hate small talk, and I typically avoid it at all costs. I've been told I come off as anything from shy to bored to arrogant. In reality, I'm mostly just uncomfortable. Alternately, there are times when having something interesting to say just isn't there. Nobody is George Clooney in Out of Sight or Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Lack of wit is something that frustrates everybody, shy and unshy, male and female alike. We've all had the moment when we think of the right thing to say five minutes too late. It doesn't really matter though. As an old man (for the internet), the advice I'd give to any young people who want to know how to talk to girls is this: the thing women love to talk about more than anything is themselves. All you have to do is encourage them to talk (and actually be interested, don't just pretend), and they'll think you're a really nice guy. (Sorry, lil, and other female Hubski members. Not trying to generalize to make all women sound self absorbed, but I'm just speaking from personal experience. Everyone has a story to tell [some more interesting than others, to be sure], and it seems to make people feel good to have an ear to tell theirs to.)
The desire to talk about one's self is not unique to the fairer sex. Both men and women alike enjoy talking about themselves. You are right though, be attentive and actively listen and whether you're speaking to a man or a woman, they will be more likely to "like" you.
Fair enough, but knowing that men also like to talk about themselves will make those awkward functions where you don't know people less awkward. But then, as you know psychologically I'm in to dudes.
Similarly, all the women's dating advice books say to ask men to talk about themselves. Regardless of gender or gender preference, it's flattering and kind to take a genuine interest in another person and they are likely to respond well. That's the hard part for shy people - what to say, what to ask. I'd like to write a whole play of possible shy dialogues. (Note to self). In the conversation that led to my blog post, students were specifically asking me how to get a conversation going when they did want to engage. They were also very interested in knowing what to say at meetups with industry recruiters who were looking for interns. They might have an area of fascination or specialization, yet recruiters might be looking for something else, yet they still want to make a good impression. That's a post for another day. Note also - there are inter-cultural factors at play also. Most of my students are from continents far away.I hate small talk, and I avoid it at all costs.
I love that about you!the thing women love to talk about more than anything is themselves.
That's your experience I guess. I'm actually quite uncomfortable talking about myself. theadvancedapes was kindly grilling me on the topic all the way to Detroit. Bless (I mean bless in an atheistic way) his heart. In any event, I'm glad you've found a topic that works.
Similarly, all the women's dating advice books say to ask men to talk about themselves. Regardless of gender or gender preference, it's flattering and kind to take a genuine interest in another person and they are likely to respond well. Haha. Hopefully you and I will never find ourselves on a first date together. I think it would be horribly silent. Or maybe peacefully, magically silent. In that case, perhaps it would be perfect!I'm actually quite uncomfortable talking about myself...
Sounds wonderful. I've found myself caught in a situation the last few days where I am forced to sit and listen to 13 other people make uncomfortable small talk for hours at a stretch (in a jury sequester room; I would love to talk about it, but I can't yet legally do so, although I have been composing a Hubski post about the experience in my head). I am the one dude who brings a book (hooray for getting Blood Meridian read for Hubski book club!), and doesn't speak to anyone else. I think it weirds the rest of the people out, but I won't change my behavior just to not come off as weird or eccentric or disinterested. I don't know why people's mouths have to constantly be in motion to make them feel comfortable.