been catching myself feeling optimistic / excited for political happenings for the first time since my hope died in 2016. i feel like i'm setting myself up to be disappointed - i've found that betting on the thing i least want to happen happening has been a good rule of thumb
i'm gonna make everybody feel really old for a minute here: i was 9 years old when obama got elected for the first time - my mom was a big political newswatcher and i followed the campaign pretty hard for a preteen. my earliest political memory was when i was 5 i named my teddy bear george bush bc he was green (i can't remember if i told that story already here but i'll tell it again because i find it really sadfunny), but the obam-paign was the first time i started using the ol' brainhole and trying to keep up, even though i was ignorant and childish or whatever
but anyway i remember election night 2008 thinking smth along the lines of "yeah, something good just happened. the good guys won." awesome. it's been downhill since, with a little bright spot in 2012 - everything i've seen / the more i've learned about what's gone/been going/will be going on the more i've been disillusioned, and sure, that's just a matter of growing up too, but it's been a hell of a time to grow up in when the news of the day everyday is "things are falling apart and you have no future"
and i mean, boo-hoo, right, nobody's had a future / believed in anything since XYZ decade, but i don't know anybody with dreams more than "a job that won't work me to death" and "an apartment that doesn't cost too much to rent," so i guess when you get 3 generations fucked over in a row the kids stop coming in with big expectations
but catch me feeling optimistic. why? i don't like taking the bet that the downward slide is gonna level out - i'm not enough of a gambler to say that we're due for some good luck
i'm scared as hell hubski - all i want to do when i look at the world is tap out and tapping out (to the best of my ability) is all i've got for what-to-do-with-my-life desires. i've been too fucked up to make plans for the future but now that my head isn't fucking with me too much to think clear it's like, alright where won't be on fire or underwater in 30 years, where is it most likely i can pay for the meds i need every day, where's the best spot to not get raped or murdered - CoastalEscape! is a hell of a lot easier when you come in with CoastalCash! and anything notcity is either reverting to wasteland or honky-hellscape so it's like, どうしようもない boys
i tapped out after 2016 - my life sucked, america looked like it sucked, who cares - when i could vote i voted in the dem primaries in 2018 and the midterm, but other than that i avoided the horserace shit
now for the last 2 weeks or so i've been paying attention to the horserace again, and tonight i realized i was looking forward to seeing the iowa results in a week but also not? because the don't-get-excited part of me says 1. biden will win and 2. trump will lose pop.vote but win EC again so i'm half "wow things might actually be better this time" and half "どうしようもない just tap out again and vote when the mitten primary comes around + nov3" and i don't know what half is the one to follow
i don't want a resurgence in personal optimism to get fucked over by a resurgent "the world will be okay" optimism that gets kicked in the nuts
i don't have a conclusion