Sometimes I need to scream in to the void.

today I need to scream in to the void.

I'm getting old enough now to look back on long periods of time and realize when I'm good at something and when I really am not. This week I came to the realization about being really not good at something. And maybe I'm beating myself up a little too hard... but I don't think so. Ends may not justify means, but if the ends are all shitty, then the means probably weren't exactly best practices. The longer I walk this ball of dirt, the more I realize that being a little bit good at a lot of things means being shitty at everything.

I'm realizing that tomorrow is my worst enemy...Today is it. Today is all that matters. Of course, this is only partly true... but if you decide to exercise tomorrow, you'll always be out of shape. Take it from a fat guy.

This could be true for a great many things. I am trying to figure out the relationship between today and tomorrow. And yesterday? Yesterday can just go away. Yesterday is dark and mean.

A lot of days it feels like there isn't enough money. Every day feels like there's not enough time.

In reality, there is probably plenty of both... but the inertia of my choices steals much of both if I'm not paying attention.

The business world is cold. I shouldn't look for fulfillment here. I should just trade my time for money. I should bargain for a better rate... but I'd need to find something I'm not so shitty at first.

Or maybe there's a whole other place where you can trade your time for fulfillment... but also earn a living wage.

A living wage... what does that even mean anymore?

Hey - it's Monday! I don't even know what days of the week mean. Are they really that much different? They seem to bleed one into the other. lather. rinse. repeat.


cgod:

This isn't some kind of pep talk, just my straight opinion, no bullshit.

I always thought you were absolutely fantastic at being good to people.

I think you are a genuinely good person, a better person than most of us in this world.

If you don't feel that way than that's probably why you are a good person. Most of us think pretty well about what great guys and gals we are and that's why we'll never be very good.

That's something.

It's better than being a good motorcycle rider or the best actuary at the firm.

Men in particular spend a lot of time trying to gauge their success and it causes a great deal of distress when they are dissatisfied with different aspects. It's why men kill themselves, cheat on their spouses beat their kids ect. It's a trap.

I guess this is the pep talk part. Be ok with who you are. That's all the pep I have for you.

Love ya

Chris


posted by steve: 216 days ago