FOR SALE

ONE BANK

AMERICAN

SLIGHTLY USED

———

THIS U. S. BANK, NOW AVAILABLE ON THE OPEN MARKET FOR THE FIRST TIME, IS QUITE THE GROWTH/INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY FOR THE ENTREPRENEUR WITH A LITTLE ELBOW GREASE! BUYER'S BONUS IF YOUR ELBOW GREASE HAS OVERFLOWN AND SO ALSO SOFTENED YOUR SENTIMENTAL HEART!

HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO RAISE YOUR KIDS IN A MARBLE VAULT???

CAPITAL ONE RETAIL AND DIRECT BANK SCALES AS 5TH LARGEST BANK WITHIN THE UNITED STATES. PRICED AT 1BN OR WHATEVER AMOUNT NECESSARY FOR C1 (OWNERSHIP ENTITY) TO REPORT AN EARNINGS PROFIT BY END OF 1Q 2018, THIS NATIONALLY-CHARTERED FINANCIAL ESTABLISHMENT IS AN ABSOLUTE STEAL!!!!

BUY THIS BABY AND YOU'LL LAUGH ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

STRIPPED DOWN, DIVESTED OF ANCILLARY FUNCTIONS, THIS BANK FEATURES BOTH STANDARD RETAIL (BRICK AND MORTAR) AS WELL AS COST-SAVING, MILLENNIAL-FRIENDLY DIRECT BANKING OPTIONS! PURCHASE OF THE CAPITAL ONE RETAIL AND DIRECT BANK INCLUDES SUBSTANTIAL REAL ESTATE HOLDINGS UP AND DOWN THE EAST COAST, NOT TO MENTION IN SCENIC SEATTLE! BUILD ADDITIONAL STANDARD BRANCHES, 360-BRANDED, REGULATORY-GREY-ZONE “CAFE”S, CORPORATE OFFICES, OR LEASE OR RENT UNDEVELOPED OWNINGS FROM MELVILLE, NEW YORK TO WACO, TEXAS!! DON’T MISS THIS UNIQUE, OPEN-ENDED ENTREPRENEUR OPPORTUNITY!!!

FOR ONLY A FEW COMMAS, ACQUIRE BOTH A NATIONAL US BANK WITH COAST-TO-COAST BRAND RECOGNITION AND A VARIETY OF PRE-ZONED, UNDEVELOPED REAL PROPERTIES IN ONE FELL SWOOP! PURCHASE CONTRACT DOES NOT RESTRICT OR MANDATE ANY SPECIFIC USE OR DEVELOPMENT OF ANY ACREAGE!! MAINTAIN THE BANK IN AS-IS CONDITION, MANAGE THE OPEN PROPERTIES AS RENTALS!!

THIS SWEET PORTFOLIO IS A TRUE TWO-FER!

BANK IS THE RESULT OF A 10-YEAR CONGLOMERATIVE EFFORT BY ONE RICH FAIRBANK, ESQ, TO LIVE UP TO HIS NAME IN THE EYES OF HIS FATHER. UNFORTUNATELY, BUYING SEVERAL BANKS ON SALE FOR CHEAP OVER THE YEARS AND MASHING THEM INTO A FRANKENSTEINEIN ENTITY DID NOT PROVE A QUICK FIX FOR DECADES UPON DECADES OF SCORN AND DISAPPOINTMENT! RICH FAIRBANK IS A BUSY MAN WITH A BUSY EYE ON HIS BOTTOM LINE, WHICH NEEDS TO TURN A BUSY PROFIT!! LONG-TERM INVESTORS, ANYONE WITH A WHIT MORE PATIENCE THAN A CAIN-ITE SON, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!

IN PREPARATION FOR DUMPING THIS BANK AS SOON AS NET SUCCESS DID NOT IMMEDIATELY MATERIALIZE FOLLOWING FAIRBANK’S HAPHAZARD ACQUISITION, THEN CONGLOMERATION, OF DOZENS OF REGIONAL, FINAL CLEARANCE, PRICED-TO-SELL, LAXLY-REGULATED PART-TIME BANKS, LINE ITEMS HAVE BEEN CUT! T&ES HAVE BEEN FROZEN! PRICEY LICENSED ACCESS STRIPPED FROM EVERY ASSOCIATE WHO DOESN’T ABSOLUTELY NEED THAT APPLICATION TO WORK FOR THEM, TODAY! ALL ANCILLARY LINES OF BUSINESS OR PRACTICES HAVE BEEN SPUN OFF! APPLIANCES ARE ALL NEW!

THERE'S EVEN A FRESH COAT OF PAINT!

BANK COMES COMPLETE WITH FULL RUN-TIME ASSOCIATE CREW, BUT ALL PERSONNEL ARE OPTIONAL! PERSONALIZE BANK ORGANIZATION TO FIT YOUR SPECIFIC BUSINESS NEEDS! SLASH AND BURN ASSOCIATES AT ANY LEVEL, FROM CONTRACTOR TO MANAGING VICE PRESIDENTS, AS YOUR CURRENT LEVEL OF PIQUE WITH THE WORLD AT LARGE WARRANTS! NOT EVEN WARRANTS - NAY, AS YOUR MOOD DEMANDS!

SELLER OFFERS 3 POINTS TOWARDS LENDING TERMS AND WILL PAY UP TO 100% OF CLOSING COSTS FOR GENUINE, PRE-APPROVED BIDS OF PURCHASE MADE BY OR BEFORE VALENTINE’S DAY 2018! DON’T BUY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE A RING…BUY HER A BANK!

THERE’S NOTHING MORE ROMANTIC THAN COLLECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY AND CHARGING THEM FEES FOR IT!

DON’T WAIT - THIS COMPETITIVE COMPILATION COMPRISES THOUSANDS OF ACTIVE CHECKING, SAVINGS, AND CD ACCOUNTS! LIKE WOODY GUTHRIE, STRETCH YOUR BUSINESS PORTFOLIO FROM GULF STREAM WATERS TO NEW YORK ISLAND! CAPITAL ONE RETAIL AND DIRECT BANK IS PRICED TO SELL, SELL, SELL!

Bank being sold in as-is condition. Financial and physical assessments permitted at request of interested buyers pursuant a good will deposit. Cash deposit minimum is 10%. Other financial instruments begin at 7.5%. Some federal aid programs may be offered to potential investors who demonstrate specific qualifications. Bank is above-water. Seller assumes no risk.

Please contact any member of the Board of Directors for further information or to express a purchasing interest.

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- author comments: think this is black humor as coping mechanism

it was fun to write. it also might not resonate with anyone else. but so what? there's a lot of change happening at my work. and i'd rather write something like this and share it with somebody, than not.


user-inactivated:

I'm willing to give you a 1992 Toyota Camry with 350k miles (needs new transmission, spark plugs and brakes just changed so you're coming ahead with this car), a Playstation 2 (AV cables are missing) with two copies of GTA: Vice City, some deer jerky made by my uncle, and a twelve drawer Craftsman tool chest (missing a wheel).

Between you and me, I think I'm being over generous in my offer here, so you'll probably wanna jump on it before I change my mind.


posted by _refugee_: 205 days ago