Well there are spoilers here guys. I don't know what good it will actually do, since I'm not sure what I'm spoiling?

How the fuck do I begin to review this movie?

Normally what I do is break down the plot, then go in to my thoughts about what it did wrong and what it did right, touching on different elements of the film and what I liked about them or disliked about them. I don't know if I can do that.

If you strip away the character moments, the plot of "The Last Jedi" is as follows:

Rey finds Luke Skywalker and then psychically holds hands with Kylo Ren before she leaves

Luke burns down a tree then astral projects himself on to another planet covered in salt

Finn and a new character called Rose go to a planet as part of a plan that ultimately fails, and then the original plan happens anyway making their entire subplot a waste of time

Po has an entire subplot, related to Finn and Rose, which exists only because his boss didn't send him a memo about what was happening. Later the plan she had was explained and Po thought it was a good one, begging the question about WHY THEY DIDN'T JUST EXPLAIN THE PLAN IN THE FIRST PLACE

Snoke dies after having 3 scenes in a golden bath robe. Kylo Ren becomes a good guy, and then a bad guy again within the span of about 10 minutes of screen time

There is a long chase sequences with the millenium falcon which doesn't matter because it provides a distraction for an attack that fails anyway

The rebels spend the majority of the movie briskly walking away from a giant space B2 bomber without doing anything clever

In the end nothing has changed from the beginning of the movie aside from the fact that Finn is awake, Rey is back home, Snoke is dead, and everyone is on the millenium falcon now. Literally everyone. The rebels are still on the run from the Empire. They still have no plan.

The events of the movie take place over the course of like, 18 hours. What the fuck.

So yeah I don't know how to like, review this movie. The visuals are sometimes pretty but also basically meaningless because the plot is so confusing and weird that you can't really tell why anything exists or why certain choices were made. The music is cool but also really fucking stupid (at one point they mention Han, and Han's theme plays in the background for like 10 seconds). I mean its Star Wars though so it's not unexpected.

If I had to summarize my feelings on the film, it'd be calling it a sloppy, confusing, pandering, poorly paced mess. There are entire plots that lead literally no where. Themes are brought up and then dropped without explanation or resolution. Characters behave inconsistently in order to move the story in a certain direction. Kylo Ren only exists because Luke behaved inconsistently for a moment and Kylo just happened to notice. Yep good plot guys.

I think I hate this movie but it actually mostly just confused me? Parts of it were cool. I like that they settled the debate about whether or not you could light speed jump through spaceships, that was cool I guess. Does this mean we'll see an increase in suicide attacks in episode 9? Can the entirety of episode 9 just be justifying why suicide bombing is okay as long as you agree with the people doing it?

Some scenes were good. I liked when Luke milked a weird sea animal and just drank raw milk in front of Rey then stared her down. I wish that scene was longer. I liked when Chewbacca killed two porgs and cooked them, then just threw their roasted carcasses away because he felt guilty. That was maybe the second stupidest scene in the film. Uh. I liked the concept of a space horse race, but I would have liked it more if they were just horses. Like you see all these crazy aliens, but they're just watching horse races.

I really didn't like how much Carrie Fisher was "in-but-not-really-in" the movie. Which is how we get in to my least favorite scene in cinema history.

Princess Leia gets blown out of a cockpit in to space. You cut to her frozen body which you presume is dead. Her hand is outstretched. Suddenly, her fingers move, and she superman flies her way back to the ship and ends up in a coma. Words can't actually do it justice. It's like, the dumbest, worst possible way for anything to have happened? I hated it? I was rolling my eyes and trying not to groan when it happened?

Other than that, I mean. A lot of things happen in this movie, but they don't really go any where or do anything. Kylo Ren kills Snoke. Rey finds out her parents were basically junkies and trash who didn't care about her. That was neat. That was probably the best part of the movie. Luke turns in to a ghost. Finn gets ready to die then is saved randomly by a girl who isn't a pilot but can apparently fly a broken down old speeder.

I'm forgetting a lot of what happened in the movie already and that's a really bad sign.

So uh. Yeah. I wish I could write more but I've tried to think about this movie and it sort of hurts my brain? It's so colossally stupid and contradictory at moments that I can't believe it was greenlit. I feel bad for all of the actors and workers who really put effort in to this, because none of the performances are like, bad or anything. They're just in service of nothing in particular.

I mean its better than Rogue One I guess, but so is having someone fart in your mouth.

Don't watch this?


Holy mother of god. Star Wars was so painful to watch. I'm so glad I'm not alone. I have all these friends telling me I'm out of my mind for feeling the way I do. I legit left that movie confused as to why I wasted my time watching it. The one thing that frustrated me more than anything is the Force Awakened spent an entire movie setting the groundwork for the universe only for it to be completely wiped away in TLJ. I was alright with the concept of them wiping the slate clean and moving on from the old stories, but I never wanted it to be executed so poorly. I mean TFA was the first movie of the trilogy, but so was TLJ. Now we get to move on to the last film in this trilogy, except we are still only at the very beginning. I just have no clue what they were thinking with this film.

Just quickly to run through my gripes with the characters:

Snoke? Who is he? Oh, he is dead. OK.

General Hux? a comedic punching bag.

Phasma? I'm sorry who is that? The silver stormtrooper? Yea that doesn't ring a bell? Anyway, dead.

Kylo? Still mad for whatever reason

First Order? Slowly chasing some low tech rebel ships through space, can't catch um though. Dreadnought surface defense destroyed by one tiny ship.

Poe? He is a leader, oh he is not. He is hot headed, and must learn to be a leader? Oh OK, kinda generic.

Leia? Force sensetive? No full force user? Wait what?

Luke? Sad because he made a mistake of assuming Kylo was already lost. Even though his dad had the same issue, and he held out hope then?

Finn? Is going through nearly the same plot arch he did in TFA.

Rey? She is a good guy.

Resistance? Still resisting kinda.

posted by JTHipster: 215 days ago