So.

Tomorrow is the first PE test: a few km of running. Before tomorrow, I have to write an essay and file another project on the same subject properly, lest the exam dates are going to be messed up. In a few days, there's another PE test, right in the middle of the last week of classes, where I would have to pay off quite a few academic debts.

I'm pretty sure I'll fail some of those. I'm certain I'll fail the second PE test. I might even end up having some exams next year, because I might fail them during the finals.

This happened because for the whole semester I was down with depression. It's been worse before but has never been this long. I don't know what caused it, but if I had to guess, it was all the trouble with my group. It's the only thing that's been around as long as I feel down. I don't know why, but it brings me down so much I can't do anything in uni, or even about it.

I know I'm responsible for taking care of what happens to me. The more I think of it, though, the more I become certain that there's a limit to my responsibility as far as the faulty wiring of my brain is involved. I can't be the only entity responsible for the fact that the stone is damn heavy and I have to carry it uphill, you know? So, I might as well give myself a break on the blame front.

It's not easy to not take things personally, though, you know? Shit keeps happening, and it feels like everything's aimed at you, so it's no wonder you go on the counter-offensive where there's no front. People around you suffer because you don't know you're stressed, and their stress only increases yours because all you need is a "sink" or a "pillow", and you don't want to be an asshole but end up being one anyway, and it hurts more and you keep going on fighting things, fighting people... It's all messy and dirty, but you have to work through it - and I was lucky enough to be reminded that it's not all about me.

So I figured: how bad could it be if I fail this summer's exams? Is my life going to end? Will I lose all I'm striving for with the uni - both the academic stuff and beyond? No, of course not. Life would keep going, like it always has before when I felt things were dire. You can figure shit out once you're not concerned it's going to crush you. You can figure how to tell the teachers that you have depression because of this and that, and that you just need some more time because you have to pack a semester's worth of work into a couple of weeks.

Maybe, you'd say, next year's exams are not that bad of an idea for certain subjects. My German went to shit since I stopped practicing it, so maybe I'd push it to the next year. Finish this year's one-year subjects and talk with the teachers about doing something with main ones. Phonetics might be tough, since the new teacher doesn't even see me that often, but the other teachers know me. They know I'm clever, they know I can pack an exam if I have to. I could probably make something work.

Point is: I need a break, to readjust my mental machinery, to get my spirit back up on its feet. A room to breathe, a time work on something I love. From there... I guess I can make something work.

It wouldn't feel nice to talk to my parents about it, since they don't give a shit about how I feel or my mental health (their behavior caused it in the first place). They're paying for the education, after all. But... I can weather it. I'd rather have a ten-minute conversation that I don't like than dread for a month about something that's easily inaccessible due to the state I'm in: depressed, burned-out and plain tired.



posted by user-inactivated: 182 days ago