I'm doing better.
The shitstorm of a post yesterday came out of nowhere. I didn't want to believe all the things I was writing, but it just kept coming as I kept diving deeper into the dark pool. Most people seem to have natural restrictions about visiting it, which keeps them sane. I never thought depression should be labeled a mental disease, but seeing what it gets me through lately, I change my opinion. If it's capable of so easily pushing a person to the edge, there must be things done against it.
Maybe it was all the pent-up stress and emotions that I've been feeling lately. All the uni projects, the relationships, personal projects and a job as a private tutor were all giving me quite a bit to worry about.
Maybe it was the only way I know to reach out to people when things get grim inside my head. Not by talking or sending a message, but by screaming off the top of my lungs or doing something that would attract equal amount of attention.
Facing one's incompetence and flawedness is never easy, especially as you imagine yourself powerful and capable beyond what's humanly possible. I've got a lot to work through. It's going to take a while.
Still haven't tried the chicken & rice I did yesterday. It's probably a bit dry, as always. Been going off fast food and soda today. Having a stacked fridge makes me feel better.
Did a run today, first time in a while. Made me feel very good. Going into it without the infantile ultimatums ("I better do X, or else it's worth nothing") seems to do the trick. Been thinking about things that inspire passion in me, and physical development is one of those things.
I'll be off Hubski for a while again. It's getting uncomfortable here because people start to like me. I have a hard time processing genuine interest and appreciation. People being visibly kind towards me is not something I'm used to.
- I cut my hair into a buzzcut. It's hideous, but I like to have moved on from something I didn't like to something that can be mended along the way.
- I've always a hard time distinguishing between the girl I asked out first back in KemSU and the girl I asked out first in TSU. They're both about my chest high, closed-off emotionally and have their own demons. Whenever I think of the latter, I call her the former's name in my head.
- My stories are coming along nicely: the ones I plan to make into books as well as a particular forum literary RPG I'm getting more and more invested in. I hope someone will ask me about those someday. Personal development affects those works quite a bit.
Have a good one, folks. I hope you're doing okay.
- Friedrich Nietszsche, Beyond Good and Evil