<ThatFanficGuy> A small update on how things are going.

<ThatFanficGuy> Still sick. My nose is like Niagara, at this point, but the sore throat is gone.

<ThatFanficGuy> Feeling tired, but that's to be expected.

<ThatFanficGuy> Been talking to a few people around Hubski, asking for advice on life choices.

<ThatFanficGuy> Decided that I'd rather do shit that makes me passionate or affords opportunities I can't otherwise afford.

<ThatFanficGuy> The latter is solely because I can't sustain myself only with my money at the moment. I find living on my own a fantastic opportunity for growth and self-exploration, something I know I'll be lacking living with my parents.

<ThatFanficGuy> Not only because it's living with the parents, but also because my parents are the kind of people you don't want to be around for any prolonged period of time.

<ThatFanficGuy> They are loud, obnoxious, self-centered and demanding of things I don't owe.

<ThatFanficGuy> To say nothing of the resentment I still harbor towards them - lingering, yet strong.

<ThatFanficGuy> I'm grateful for contacting them as little as do while still getting financial support I need here.

<ThatFanficGuy> kb said an insightful thing to me recently: "The shittiest thing about depression is that it doesn't suggest - it _demands_ that things are utterly fucked".

<ThatFanficGuy> I keep catching myself thinking it's bad, when maybe it isn't.

<ThatFanficGuy> I guess my natural worries are exaggerated by the bad wiring.

<ThatFanficGuy> I know people worry about stuff all the time.

<ThatFanficGuy> For me, it feels like whenever there's a reason to worry, there's a reason to crumble and fall apart because nothing can be done and it's all my fault and etc. etc.

<ThatFanficGuy> I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy. It's just how my thought process goes.

<ThatFanficGuy> I don't feel sorry for myself, either. It sucks, but it's the deck I have to live with. Might as well plan around it.

<ThatFanficGuy> Point is - I keep thinking about the relationship between the girl I talked about and myself.

<ThatFanficGuy> Her name's Masha, which is a lovely name.

<ThatFanficGuy> She reminds me of myself quite a bit, though I can't but notice she is obviously different.

<ThatFanficGuy> And the thoughts keep coming up about how bad it is that we don't talk everyday: must be she doesn't like me, or I must have said something bad, - and it makes me panic and _definitely_ say something bad...

<ThatFanficGuy> I stopped myself shy of that this time, I believe.

<ThatFanficGuy> I felt brushed off when she remarked I ask so many questions.

<ThatFanficGuy> It's like, "I'm interested in you, and I wanna know things about you", you know? "What makes you tick, what kind of a person you are, are our tastes compatible etc."

<ThatFanficGuy> But she's shy, I get that.

<ThatFanficGuy> When I was her age, being asked so many questions would've made me uncomfortable, too.

<ThatFanficGuy> And I think it's the age thing. I had to grow up quite a bit since I first started uni.

<ThatFanficGuy> Or maybe it's that I'm much more forthcoming and open, despite us both being typical introverts.

<ThatFanficGuy> And I grew up into that, which she doesn't have to.

<ThatFanficGuy> We haven't talked much since we last met, and it bothers me.

<ThatFanficGuy> I keep thinking that if she's interested, she'd keep the conversation up as much as I do.

<ThatFanficGuy> Then it occurred to me that - maybe I shouldn't worry so much about her, or what she thinks of me.

<ThatFanficGuy> I understand the value of showing affection and interest to a person who has mine.

<ThatFanficGuy> But - why should it hold my attention hostage, when there are so many things I have to take care of just so stay afloat during such tumultuous time?

<ThatFanficGuy> I've decided recently that people's opinion of me shouldn't bother me so much.

<ThatFanficGuy> There are people I respect, people I love and people I care about, all of whom deserve the outpour of love, care, help and attention that I can barely hold.

<ThatFanficGuy> One of those people is myself.

<ThatFanficGuy> The rest will get theirs as I find appropriate. I will not hold onto it, but I will also not give it away as charity. I can't afford it, as much as I would love to.

<ThatFanficGuy> I guess I've grown disappointed with how people treat me one time too many.

<ThatFanficGuy> Made me realize I have to take care of myself, and if there's any value to my life, it will show itself as I do.

<ThatFanficGuy> That's good enough for an update post, is it not?


johnnyFive:

    "The shittiest thing about depression is that it doesn't suggest - it _demands_ that things are utterly fucked"

Props to kleinbl00, that's a great description.


posted by user-inactivated: 129 days ago